


007: The License to Kill

by Calyxir



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe, Angst, Blood, Break Up, Comfort, Confessions, Crimes And Criminals, Crying, Death, Denial, Doctor Taehyun, Drunk Choi Soobin, Extended Metaphors, Failed Surgery, Falling In Love, Family, Feelings, Flowers, Friends to Lovers, Gang AU, Grief, Hospitals, Humor, Hurt, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Idiots in Love, Illnesses, Implied Sexual Content, Implied Top Soobin, Implied bottom Yeonjun, Intoxication, Kissing, Leukemia, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Making Out, Medical, Motorbikes, Panic, Protectiveness, Rider Beomgyu, Rider Soobin, Rider Yeonjun, Sad Choi Soobin, Sadness, Self-blaming, Soft Choi Soobin, Surgery, Taehyun and Beomgyu are bad at feelings, Tears, Tension, Tragedy, Trauma, Violence, Whipped Choi Yeonjun, doctor soobin, light poetry, srsly these tags are such spoilers, surgeries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:53:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 40,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27191998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calyxir/pseuds/Calyxir
Summary: How cruel could fate be, exactly?The license to kill is both a blessing and a curse. To be able to hold ones life in your hands-- to be trusted with their lives even when you hold a scalpel or a gun.Both Soobin and Beomgyu resent being the ones who had that license, it comes with a heavy responsibility. A blade or bullet that can save, can also reveal secrets, re-open painful wounds, and even take a life.Soobin and Beomgyu; the scalpel and the gun, have been condemned to being faith's unfortunate instrument. But why did they have to be used with the ones they love?Fate truly is a ruthless friend.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Kang Taehyun, Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 85
Kudos: 120





	1. Incision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What happened to Kai, Soobin-ah?"
> 
> Soobin couldn't bring himself to answer Yeonjun's question. He might end up blaming himself for something that was out of his control. He could still feel the weight of the scalpel in his hand, could feel the weight that pulled him far down under after he failed what his brother, Kai, trusted him to do. Kai trusted Soobin with his life, but Soobin... well he didn't want to dwell on that thought anymore. But he'd have to come to terms with it somehow.
> 
> Or
> 
> In which Soobin and Yeonjun were ex-lovers, pulled back together by fate, only for one's death to rip them apart.  
> How dare fate hurt him twice?

Soobin’s life is a routine.

He would be at the hospital at five in the morning, rush to the locker room, dump his stuff inside his locker labelled ‘Dr. Choi, S.’, take out his knee-length white coat and pin his I.D. on his coat pocket, rush to his first patient, pass and sign numerous documents, listen to the cries of grief at a loved ones death, and cries of joy at a newborn child—in the hospital, Soobin didn’t know whether smiling would be viewed as offensive in front of someone who’s just lost a wife, so he keeps a poker face.

Routine. He’d end his shift by 1 am in the morning on his lucky days, and he would stop by the nearest café to buy himself some hot choco to calm his nerves, and Kai’s favorite drink—grape frappe. His brother loved grapes so much that he dared Soobin to dye his hair purple after a petty bet they had, which Soobin lost to his dismay.

Routine. He’d get off his car, exit his own garage, watch the lights blink closed as he made his way to his house, fished out his keys, insert them into the knob and turned it. He stepped in, the beverages hot and cold in his hand.

Routine… “Kai?” Soobin called out for his brother, his voice echoing through the walls. Soobin shrugged at the silence and left his bags on the floor, kicking the door closed behind him. He sipped the hot chocolate in his right hand, the cold frappe in the other collecting moist around his hand, the piercing temperature barely masked by the tissues wrapped around it.

He took off the scarf from his neck, leaving him in his brown coat as he ascended the stairs. If Kai was so stubborn to come down and greet him, he knew Kai would still be awake playing that game he called ‘Cookie Run’, then he would gladly do the honors of taking the drink to his room himself.

Routine. He expected to see Kai burning his eyebrows off while studying for his pre-lims, or vigorously tapping on his phone while having headphones glued to his ears… routine.

But instead, he saw a white bedsheet. It used to be blue and green, and even pink at times. The walls that used to be covered by posters of those bands, movies, and games Kai loved was now stark white. Everything was white. Too much…, too much like the hospital.

Routine. Kai would stand from the bed and take the drink from Soobin’s hand and drag him into a game no matter how tired Soobin was from his shift. But there were no pixels flashed on the black widescreen TV in front of Kai’s bed—no wires connecting this to that. Everything was way too bare.

Soobin let a tear fall from his eye. How many times has he bought Kai grape frappes? He looked to his left, and there were three servings on the table. Right.

It has been three days since a great part of his routine was erased from his life. He set the fourth grape frappe next to the other three. _This is all my fault._

“Kai… I’m sorry…” Soobin choked out at the empty room—the empty house. He didn’t bother to change into his sleepwear… he was too preoccupied blaming himself. Setting down the coffee along with the three frappes, Soobin led himself to Kai’s bed, head hitting Kai’s pillow as he hugged a Molang plushie to his chest.

“I’m so sorry…,” _I failed you._ Soobin let his eyes drift closed, nose nuzzling the head of the huge plushie. It still smelled of Kai’s cologne. If Kai were here, he’d kick Soobin out of his room for staining Molang with tears. Soobin let out a soft chuckle.

He remembered that time in college when he broke up with Yeonjun. Kai was willing to comfort Soobin but nearly lost his shit when Soobin nearly wiped his red nose onto Molang. The same Molang he was holding.

Since three days ago, this has been Soobin’s new routine. Wrapping himself in Kai’s white sheets, hoping to hear Kai reassure him and say, “ _This will pass, hyung. It will be all right._ ”

Thankfully, the sleepiness and fatigue caught up to him and he eventually fell asleep.

Routine. In the mornings, Soobin would be woken up by his alarm that went by the name Kai. Kai would enter Soobin’s room, play extremely loud music and scream at the top of his lungs, “ _Soobinnie-hyung! Wake up sleepyhead!_ ” In the occasion the noise failed to wake Soobin up, Kai would bring out his water gun and drench Soobin in extremely cold water.

Kai would then repeat his mantra: “ _Time to save lives, hyung don’t be such a lazy--”_

RING! RING!

Routine. There was no more Kai. How would Soobin ever get used to that? How would Soobin be able to wake up properly and on time?

Soobin’s phone rang inside the pocket of his coat. He willed his eyes open, the stain of tears on his face being such a big bother, his eyelashes glued together by the dry fountains of anguish that continued to flow as he slept.

He fumbled for a good minute before finally pressing ‘accept’ on the phone call.

“Soobin-hyung? Where are you? It’s already nine in the morning--”

Soobin shot up, his vision darkening at the sudden movement. “Taehyun, yeah, yeah, thanks for waking me up.” Soobin’s voice faltered, looks like all the crying has clogged his throat too.

“Hyung… you know you can take a leave, your reason would be totally valid. We can tell the chief that you need a week to get yourself together especially since your brother--”

“No!” Soobin yelled into the phone, not wanting to be reminded of what he has done, of what happened to Kai. “No, Taehyun, don’t you dare say it. I… I’m fine, I’ll be all right.”

He carefully balanced his phone in between his shoulder and ear, head tilted at an awkward position as he changed his clothes.

“If you say so, hyung… I’m just saying… since… since that happened, you didn’t give yourself a rest. You didn’t give yourself time to grieve, you continued to work--”

“And I will still continue to work even if you try talking me out of it, Tyun. Get used to me, I’m a workaholic.”

“Drowning yourself in work to escape your non-beneficial self-blaming and being a workaholic are two different things. Anyway, Bin hyung… can you make it here in twenty minutes? There has been an emergency and we need the most man power we can get.”

“Yeah, yeah sure. See you, Tyun.”

. . .

He made it to the hospital in thirty minutes. The chief was frantic, telling everyone to keep calm while being panicked himself. The chief made eye contact with Soobin, and he froze. Was Soobin going to get fired for his tardiness?

The chief, Dr. Kim Namjoon, a neurosurgeon nodded and signaled for Soobin to approach him. Namjoon adjusted the stethoscope around his neck, “Soobin,” he acknowledged, shoving a clipboard into Soobin’s hands.

Soobin scanned the contents of the clipboard while Namjoon spoke, “Just a little while ago, a bus crashed, and the victims are here,” Namjoon gestured to the rows of occupied hospital beds, the injured passengers bloody and unconscious. “So, Bin, I need you to focus on the other patients, okay? The other medical staff and I will try to save as many passengers as we can.”

Soobin nodded in understanding. Namjoon gave him a sympathetic smile. The chief knew Soobin would want to be as far away from blood and death as possible, especially at his state.

Namjoon looked back at Soobin before resuming his job, “Oh, and if another emergency that doesn’t involve blood and 50/50 stats, please help out and take matters in your own hands.”

. . .

Soobin played pediatrician for half of the day, doing scrub work and the easy ‘n boring parts of being a doctor. Since the… incident with Kai, the last thing Soobin would want to hold was a scalpel. He’d rather take temperatures and help out with the nurses. At least for now, while he himself was healing.

“Help!” a voice from the entrance or the ER rang out. Amidst the bustle, Soobin was the only doctor in sight who wasn’t busy with another patient.

“Help! Our friend--” Soobin diverted his eyes to the entrance, legs already taking him there, and caught the attention of the frantic boy. The boy, who had tears in his eyes and was clad in long sleeves and black ripped jeans perked up at the sight of the tall doctor.

“Doc,” the boy said, looking behind him as if he were waiting for someone, “Our friend, we were biking—we were having a race in the streets and he—he just fainted!”

“Okay,” Soobin breathed, “Calm down, I will help you. Where is your friend?”

The boy inhaled deeply, catching his breath, “They’re coming, I just… I just ran here, I got here first, adrenaline, I guess.”

“Okay, sign here. Fill up this form with the identification of your friend and your own. For documentation purposes.”

Soobin ordered a medical staff to roll in a new bed so that once the patient would get there, it would be ready.

“Gyu!” rang another voice. The boy, Gyu, snapped his head towards the direction of the entrance. Soobin followed his gaze and a man who wore a similar ragged attire to Gyu.

“Hwa-hyung, finally!” Gyu rushed towards the men outside, urging them to hurry up.

 _Hwa._ Why did that sound familiar?... Seonghwa?

Upon further inspection, ‘Hwa-hyung’ was holding an unconscious body in his arms. Soobin could now recognize Hwa… he was correct—this was Seonghwa.

He has definitely found himself in a situation that involved the Revving Pumas gang… again.

Soobin met them halfway and Hwa gently placed the person he carried on the bed behind Soobin. The Puma didn’t seem to recognize him, he didn’t take it to heart. The Pumas have an ongoing feud with the other gangs in Seoul, their plates were full. Must’ve messed with Hwa’s memory.

Gyu and Hwa, who were frantically probing Soobin with questions he still cannot answer without proper tests, were escorted by other medics to the waiting room.

Soobin grabbed the clipboard he gave Beomgyu earlier and clipped it on the guy’s bed.

The nurses crowded over the unconscious boy, taking his pulse, pulling up his eyelids and shining a flashlight onto him to see if there were any reactions. Soobin waited until the guy was stable to let himself near.

The person had pink hair. Goosebumps pricked on Soobin’s skin.

… Familiar… familiar, but Soobin did not want to jump into conclusions. It has been years, no… no this couldn’t be him. The person in front of him couldn’t be his first love. Couldn’t be his first kiss, no this person was not the past love of his life. There was no way this person was the reason of his first heartbreak. No, this couldn’t be him.

This couldn’t be the same reckless person who everyone labelled as a rebel, a delinquent, a Revving Puma couldn’t be the same person who Soobin loved all those years ago.

They promised each other never to meet again. His ex was someone who kept his promises, so no, there was no way this was him. Soobin was only being delusional.

But before he could stop himself, he found his hand carefully and slowly pulling down the guy’s shirt collar. And there it was… tattooed onto the guy’s skin, right under his deep collarbone: Soobin.

It was his name, written in red, permanent ink.

But no, how many Soobins were there in this world? That couldn’t be him. Soobin felt a sudden wave of guilt for having his own tattoo erased…

He tried to restrain himself from believing the obvious. “Yeon--” he cut his own speaking— _no_. _This is not him_. “Get yourself together, Soobin,” he whispered to himself for the nth time that day.

He could deny it, assign this patient to another doctor, pretend he didn’t see Seonghwa, pretend he doesn’t recognize this person’s sharp nose and pouty lips-- but upon seeing the name on the patient’s document… he let out a shaky breath and nodded to himself, no more denying.

PATIENT’S NAME: Choi Yeonjun.

. . .

Taehyun and Soobin sat at their usual place in the hospital’s canteen. It was 5pm, and they both needed a snack. 

“So, Bin-hyung… you’re telling me,” Taehyun did his best to comprehend what he had just heard, “fate has brought you and Yeonjun together again?”

Soobin cringed. “Fate has a wrong timing. This wasn’t the work of fate, it’s the work of the devil. Plus, we still don’t know why he fainted.”

The results of Yeonjun’s blood test would be released by midnight, Soobin guessed. One of the nurses have forwarded Yeonjun’s blood sample to the laboratory. He would never admit it, but Soobin found his mind drifting to the thought of Yeonjun. Worried.

Taehyun laughed, utensils clinking on the plate in front of him, “The devil? Since when did you believe in those religious things, Choi Soobin? Don’t tell me all these people praying for miracles made you believe.”

Soobin retorted, “Since when did _you_ believe in fate? You used to tell me it’s all a state of mind—baloney. What’s with the change of heart?”

Taehyun pursed his lips in a thin line, as if he were trying to think of an answer. Shaking his head, he said, “I don’t believe in fate, Soobin-hyung. It was just an expression of mine. Anyway… hyung, I know I’m just your friend. My opinions shouldn’t affect you but…,” Taehyun looked Soobin sternly in his eyes.

The kind of look that made Soobin feel like a child under the other doctor’s gaze.

“If I remember correctly… you never wanted to break up with Yeonjun. Before the incident with Kai,” Taehyun paused, Soobin sighed at recalling the horrid memory, “You always checked up on that bar Yeonjun and his gang would hang out in. You checked to see if he was… at least still alive.”

“What’s you point, Tyun?” Soobin was beginning to think Taehyun was planning on hurting him by bringing these events back.

“I think you still love him. Ever since you were in college, until now. I think you never stopped loving him, Bin-hyung.”

Soobin never stopped loving Yeonjun.

It was a truth Soobin would rather pretend was a lie.

“Oh,” Taehyun perked up in his seat, eyeing someone behind Soobin and waving to that said person. “Hyung, got to go,” Taehyun got up, wrapped his white coat around his arm, going around the table, tapping Soobin’s shoulder as a gesture of ‘bye’.

Confused as it wasn’t the end of Taehyun’s shift yet, Soobin followed Taehyun’s receding form and caught sight of a boy with piercings, ripped jeans, and a ragged attire. The boy’s smile widened as Taehyun approached.

Looks like Taehyun believed in fate because of one of Yeonjun’s friends—Gyu.

. . .

Soobin sat alone in the cafeteria after Taehyun left. No, it wasn’t the lonely kind of ‘alone’, it was more of a… self-comforting isolation type of alone. Soobin wasn’t in the mood to socialize anyway. He didn’t have any close bonds with the other staffs in the hospital.

If he would spark a conversation, he would probably start talking about Kai and ending up in an unprofessional puddle of tears and regrets.

His mind dwelled on what Taehyun, a well-off surgeon like himself, was doing with a biker named Gyu. Gyu, who came rushing into the hospital, his dark e-boy-like attire the total opposite of the worry on his soft features when he asked Soobin for help.

Why would Taehyun skip his shift to what, hang out in the biker bar with Gyu? Gyu, who was obviously a part of the same biker gang Yeonjun belonged to, the Revving Pumas?

It was too familiar to Soobin. This was one of the negative side-effects of being alone—getting too deep into your thoughts, your own soul, until you start to remember the memories you buried under the other rubble in your heart.

Being alone made him remember the Revving Pumas.

Made him remember Yeonjun.

. . .

_Soobin was dragged by Kai to a high school football match Soobin did not want to attend. Really, he’d rather be staring at the clouds, lying flat on the grass, earphones plugged in his ears—than be here and listen to the cheers of people, the whistle of the referee, and Kai’s over-excitement._

_Okay, his brother’s overexcitement was reasonable since his friend Yuna was the head cheer leader, Kai showed his support by watching the entire thing. But Soobin—he was bored. The ball was being tossed here and there, but he couldn’t focus on the scores, he didn’t care. He was mostly looking forward to the final set of the game. Soobin itched to go home._

_Lie—he itched to see home. Home, who came in the form of a rebellious Choi Yeonjun. Soobin’s eyes scoured the boundaries of the court for Yeonjun- his boyfriend’s—motorbike._

_Mid-game, though… Soobin noticed a familiar flash of white and red light in his peripheral. It went unnoticed by the entire student body, only Soobin associated that red and white blinking to Yeonjun’s arrival._

_Soobin squinted, at the far end of the huge field, was Yeonjun, half-standing on the pedals of his bike he called ‘Fed’, balancing himself and raising his hands up high to catch Soobin’s attention._

_Yeonjun got Soobin’s attention, all right. Even with the huge distance between them, Soobin can see the genuine smile on Yeonjun’s lips when they had eye contact._

_Another motorbike parked behind him. It was Yeonjun’s ‘hyung’ in the gang he called family, Jungkook._

_“Kai, Kai, look! They’re here, that was Yuna’s last performance, that’s enough support for today, please—let me go with Yeonjun-hyung. You can go back home--”_

_“Who said I was going home? I’m coming with you, besides,” Kai looked at the two motorbikes at the far edge, “There’s two of them, I could hitch a ride with you guys, right?”_

_Soobin considered. It would be the first time Kai would tag along with his and Yeonjun’s travels. By travels, he meant the long romantic drive to their biker bar, The Onyx._

_“Mom would kill me. She never lets you go to parties for a reason.”_

_“I won’t tell her~” Kai pouted and gave his best puppy eyes._

_Soobin trusted Kai. In fact, Soobin got home drunk about eight times, and Kai covered for him, saying Soobin slept over at Yuna’s house, when in reality—he was either passed out somewhere in the bar with Yeonjun… or taking long drives on Fed, also with Yeonjun. Soobin wasn’t the type to knock himself out by excessive alcohol nor was he the type to be on a motorbike in the ungodly hours of the night, but Yeonjun had an influence on him, he couldn’t resist._

_“You know what? As long as you don’t drink or do anything too strenuous.” Soobin wanted to hit himself with a club—was he seriously considering this? What about his brother’s condition?_

_“I won’t!” The bubbly smile Kai gave him erased all his previous thoughts._

_“C’mon.” Soobin took his brother’s wrist and dragged him towards Yeonjun and Jungkook. Mom is so going to have my head on a stake._

_Soobin ignored the whispers he’d hear from his classmates._

_“Soobin’s going with that rebel boy again.”_

_“I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets in an accident and dies.”_

_“God, where are their parents? If only they knew their child mingled with these delinquents.”_

_His schoolmates’ glares and snickers followed them , Kai’s neon jacket barely contributing to their attempt on being discreet. These glares and snickers wouldn’t change Soobin’s mind on spending his time with the ‘bad influence,’ though. Yeonjun was pure of heart, really. It’s just that he didn’t fit in this whole ‘academe’ concept._

_Yeonjun was a high school dropout. And the unfortunate stigma was that: dropouts are a mess, staying at a close distance to them could cause your life to go to shit as well._

_Though Soobin’s exterior could convince one that he was a responsible student, Soobin was hard-headed and… love drunk._

_Literally._

_The Onyx was huge. Yeonjun and Jungkook dropped Soobin and Kai at the entrance of the bar as the both of them went out back to park their bikes. The thundering music can already be heard from the inside. Lights flashed through the black, tinted glass of the doors they would soon be entering._

_Soobin noticed Kai’s sudden unease when a Puma (a term used to refer to a singular member of the gang) made eye contact with him. The Puma looked like he was glaring at Kai as he approached him, but Soobin knew it was nothing to worry about._

_Seonghwa was merely scrutinizing Kai, squinting, he wasn’t glaring. Soobin has spent so much time with the Revving Pumas that he almost memorized all their characteristics._

_“Uhh,” Kai’s heart skip a beat, nudging his brother beside him. Soobin merely laughed—the only Pumas Kai has met and is comfortable with were Yeonjun and Jungkook._

_Seonghwa, who stood a few inches shorter than Kai, seemed to tower over him still. Seonghwa raised an eyebrow at Kai, “You Soobin’s brother?”_

_Kai gulped, “Uhm, yeah.. yes—yes…”_

_The Puma let his jolly aura shine through this time, shocking Kai by his duality. There was no way the smiling person in front of him was the same one as the black-clad biker who looked him up and down earlier. Seonghwa patted Kai’s shoulder._

_“Welcome, Kai,” he smiled. “Good to finally meet you, Soobinie here never shuts up about you.”_

_Kai looks to Soobin for confirmation, only to see Soobin glaring daggers at the Puma, “That was our secret--”_

_“I swear you are the only one he loves more than Yeonjun, Kai. And trust me, Soobin loves Yeonjun so much they almost made out on the--”_

_“Hyung!”_

. . .

_Kai was thankful he didn’t drink along with the rest of the Pumas that night. Totally sober, Kai witnessed his brother’s drunk, crazed state with his own eyes. It was very, very amusing for him since he barely saw his hyung let go of his last braincells and dance the night away._

_Soobin, all six feet of him, stood on a table, wireless mic in hand singing drunkenly._

_The Pumas barely let people on the karaoke sing pop rock, they’d prefer the hard metal music—but Soobin was an exemption. Kai has been in the midst of the Pumas for approximately three hours, and Kai saw that the Pumas liked him, respected him, even._

_So, they let Soobin sing his heart out, Yeonjun laughing at his boyfriend’s idiocrasy. Yeonjun smacked Kai’s shoulder, already intoxicated. “Did you have any idea that your brother gets like this when drunk?” Yeonjun was shouting over the loud boom of Soobin’s singing on the microphone._

_“No,” Kai replied equally as loud even though Yeonjun was right next to him. “Mom would faint if she sees hyung like this.”_

_“Ey, next song!” Soobin slurred into the mic, hoping off the table and puling Yeonjun, catching his boyfriend in surprise. Kai chuckled at Soobin’s unending energy, taking a sip of his non-alcoholic drink._

_“Bin what the fu--”_

_Soobin forced him and Yeonjun onto the make-shift stage in the middle of the bar._

_“Can't count the years on one hand, that we've been together,” Soobin began. He continued to sing the lyrics as Yeonjun jokingly rebutted everything he said._

_“We’ve been together three months what are you talking about?”_

_“I need the other one to hold you, make you feel, make you feel better!” At this point, Soobin was yelling the lyrics, not caring whether he was off-tune._

_“Hold me where, you wild bunny?!”_

_Kai laughed out loud, were they hearing themselves? Kai would scream at them to ‘go get a room’ if only they weren’t owning the stage._

_As an answer, Soobin pulled Yeonjun closer to him and intertwined their hands. Good to know this drunk Soobin still had an ounce of dignity left._

_“Cause after all this time, I'm still into you,” Soobin sang and pecked Yeonjun’s left cheek as he continued to dance. Yeonjun nearly toppled over a concerning amount of times, but Soobin always caught him before he did so, only to dance with him again._

_“ I should be over all the butterflies, but I'm into you!” Now, Soobin stopped singing the chorus to capture Yeonjun’s lips in a kiss. The crowd cheered and Kai covered his eyes because—jesus f Christ what was his brother doing?_

_He only pulled away when the second verse came, “Recount the night that I first met your mother, and on the drive back to my house, I told you that, I told you that I loved ya!”_

_“That never happened Soobin!” Yeonjun said, finally getting into the beat and dancing along._

_“Let 'em wonder how we got this far, cause I don't really need to wonder at all, yeah after all this time I'm still into you,” Soobin breathlessly said the last line of the song, glazed eyes staring into Yeonjun’s._

_The endless screams of the Pumas around them and the clinking of beer glasses seemed to dissipate to Soobin and Yeonjun, leaving them in their own world once again. Both their faces were dangerously close to each other. Before Soobin could lean in to kiss Yeonjun again, the elder whispered, “I’m still into you, too, Soobin-ah. I think I always will be.”_

. . .

“The lab results for Mr. Yeonjun Choi are ready, Doc,” the nurse approached Soobin. Soobin, who found himself leaning on the doorframe of the room Yeonjun was confined in. He barely noticed the nurse beside him, he was too focused on Yeonjun, whose hand was connected to a dextrose tube.

He wasn’t used to seeing Yeonjun, who was the epitome of wild energy, pale and unmoving on the bed—clear of chains that hung around his waist, void of the piercings that adorned his ears.

“Doc?” the nurse called again, reaching out the folder that contained the documents.

When the possible contents of the folder dawned on Soobin, he froze. Whatever made Yeonjun faint… would be in this folder. His fate is sealed.

Soobin took the folder and nodded to the nurse as she scurried away.

The doctor looked at Yeonjun again, finding comfort in the soft beeps of the heart monitor. The heart that once beat for him. Soobin flipped the folder open and… read the diagnosis. It was right at the top of the file next to his name.

The tears began to brim in Soobin’s eyes. His nose began to feel puffy. “Fuck,” Soobin cursed, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. It’s surprising how Soobin even had tears left to cry. For the past three days, his eyes have hurt. Too much salty rivers.

Looks like fate had its own routine...

How dare fate hurt him twice.

. . .

Soobin left the document on the bedside table next to Yeonjun’s bed. Observing Yeonjun, Soobin felt the nostalgia kicking in. Being in the hospital, being a doctor, and being a medical student all before this—all brought back to him through memories, all because of Yeonjun’s face.

Yeonjun barely changed, aside from his features becoming fuller and less baby-like. His pouty lips and squishy cheeks were still there though. Soobin felt an urge to kiss him, actually. But that would be weird.

Staring at the Puma, Soobin relished in the good memories… and the bad.

. . .

_“No, there is no way we’re getting a tattoo, Soobin,” Yeonjun huffed. They were bickering like an old married couple outside a tattoo parlor. The Puma was taken aback by Soobin’s impulsive decision to tattoo their names onto each other’s skin._

_“Why? The Pumas get tattoos for their initiation, right? Besides, if I’m going to be a Puma soon, might as well practice getting tattooed on.” Soobin said, too giddily for Yeonjun’s liking._

_“First off, getting a gang tat isn’t required of us. Second, who the fuck said I would let you join the gang?” Yeonjun let a smile play at his lips, part of him wanted Soobin to join so that he would be safe under any circumstance. So that he’d have a second family to run to when things go downhill. However, joining the Revving Pumas would put a threat to Soobin’s life since their rival gang always fights head on head with them for no apparent reason other than being able to puff their chests at the bloodshed._

_Since Yeonjun could not resist Soobin, he glared, “If you say so, Soobin.”_

_They eventually got a tattoo of each other’s names._

_Soobin’s tattoo was on his wrist, a simple ‘YJ’, written in a minimalist bold font, while Yeonjun’s was marked under his collarbone, ‘Soobin’, with a fancy curlicue at the tip._

. . .

Soobin's wrist itched, he could feel the tattoo still buried under his skin even after he chemically erased it. Soobin pulled up his right arm sleeve, seeing the faint outline of Yeonjun’s initials that still remained.

Would Yeonjun be prepared to know his diagnosis? Soobin knew Yeonjun was strong… but could he accept what was coming? Because frankly, Soobin can’t.

Soobin scoffed as his eyes threatened to spill tears again. “I shouldn’t care about you anymore, right?” Soobin muttered. He was always like this, talking to himself. Taking advantage of the time Yeonjun was asleep to say things he’d never want the same boy to hear.

He leaned forward in his chair, momentarily taking his gaze away from Yeonjun and rested his face in his palms. And then, he let the tears flow.

“I often tell myself the same thing.” Yeonjun.

Soobin’s head shot up to see Yeonjun looking straight at him, head tilted towards Soobin’s direction. The latter’s eyes widened in surprise. “How long have you been awake?”

Soobin wasn’t in the mood to speak with Yeonjun, but at the same time he couldn’t leave. He didn’t want to. Though he couldn’t admit it to himself, he missed Yeonjun. He needed Yeonjun.

“Just now… you’re crying, Soobin-ah. Why?” Typical Yeonjun, would always ask and ask about the whys of Soobin’s life.

“I…” Soobin trailed, how was Yeonjun staying so calm? He was so calm, it’s unfair. Yeonjun should be raising his voice at Soobin, should be angry at him, should be asking him to leave—why was Yeonjun being like this?

“It’s been a while, Soobin-ah. I could’ve sworn I almost forgot how to pronounce your name but--”

No. Yeonjun was being too sweet, it wouldn’t take long ‘til Yeonjun would be flirting with him as if they hadn’t broken up. Soobin couldn’t take it. As rude as it might’ve looked like, Soobin shook his head and stood, gesturing to the documents on Yeonjun’s bedside.

“It’s uhh, the result of your blood test, you fainted because—just, nevermind, just read it. Chief paged me.” He bit his inner lip to keep it from quivering.

Soobin exited the room, leaving Yeonjun confused but not surprised. Soobin, being the doctor, should be the one to talk the patient through their diagnosis, but Soobin couldn’t say it for the life of him.

Yeonjun took the folder and flipped it open, knowing damn well what the diagnosis was.

Leukemia. A cancer of the white blood cells.

Soobin dashed through the corridor. Namjoon didn’t page him, he only needed an escape Yeonjun would not question.

His vision was getting clouded then—he collided with a person.

“Woah, Bin-hyung?” It was Taehyun, and Soobin couldn’t be more thankful that he bumped into his best friend and not a random nurse. Taehyun and Soobin were always there for each other ever since they met, and Taehyun was not going to stop being Soobin’s shoulder to cry on.

“Hyung, oh no.. c’mon,” Taehyun said, pulling Soobin into an empty corridor of the hospital.

“What happened?”

“Yeonjun…,” he sniffed, “Yeonjun has Leukemia.”

“Hyung… it’s--”

“No, Taehyun for fucks sakes—it’s not okay! I am not fucking okay!”

“I know, hyung.”

“No, Taehyun. You don’t know because—because you’re with that biker guy—Gyu, was it? And… and it’s… it would fucking ruin your life!”

Taehyun took in a sharp breath. He tried keeping his poker face in front of Soobin, hoping the hurt wouldn’t personify on his face. “You sound like your mother, Soobin-hyung.”

“Oh, but it’s true! Those fucking Pumas would just—they’d mess with you—and when they leave, they’d just forget about you!”

“Hyung, how could you say that? As far as I remember _you_ were the one who left Yeonjun.”

Yeah. And it hurt to think that this time? Yeonjun will be the one to leave.

. . .

_“Can I have one last favor before I let you go?” Yeonjun said just in time before Soobin could step out of the lounge, he choked back the tears, he had to speak. Six months into their relationship, Soobin’s mother found out. His parents didn’t have anything against their child dating a boy… their only concern was Yeonjun’s involvement with the Revving Pumas._

_They’ve talked about Yeonjun leaving the Pumas, but Soobin insisted he couldn’t just force Yeonjun to sacrifice his home for Soobin. Besides, Yeonjun was already a Puma… even if he did stop hanging out with them, there was no way Soobin’s mother would learn to trust him._

_The lounge in The Onyx was empty. Yeonjun was thankful no one else was there to see him in such a vulnerable state. Yeonjun held onto the last bits of strength he had. This would be the first time Soobin would see him like this—he was always perceived as strong… Soobin always saw him as a person who would never shed a tear._

_He tried to smile at the boy looking back at him, but all his lips did was quiver, pulling downward at the edges._

_“Will you let me love you one last time, Soobin-ah?”_

_Soobin faced Yeonjun. The phone in Soobin’s school bag rang. It kept ringing and ringing, why won’t his mother just give him peace? Soobin threw his bag off his back and it fell with a soft thud._

_Was Soobin willing to love Yeonjun one last time? It would just bring him more pain. But before he could argue with himself, he found himself yearning to return into Yeonjun’s arms._

_Yearning to listen to his heart for once. His mother could scold him even more later, he could resent his mother even more later, but for now… Yeonjun was here. His mother’s orders shouldn’t faze him._

_Soobin must’ve spaced out, because the next thing he knew, Yeonjun’s face was in a close proximity to his. Soobin closed the gap between them, savoring the moment which might as well have been the last. They continued to kiss, Yeonjun barely noticed that Soobin has already pushed him onto a wall._

_His knees would be too weak to stand anyway. Seconds later, Soobin began to taste something else aside from his lover’s—well, ex-lover’s lips. Soobin pulled away to see Yeonjun looking back up at him, catching his breath. Yeonjun was sobbing._

_“Hyung,” Soobin said, taking Yeonjun’s face in his right palm, wiping away his tears with his thumb. Soobin was upset, he wasn’t used to seeing Yeonjun cry—it hurt even more because Soobin was the reason Yeonjun felt this way._

_“Please,” Yeonjun, nuzzled his head into the soft hand holding him, “Please stay, even just for tonight. Tell me you won’t leave me tonight, Soobin…”_

_Yeonjun’s voice turned unstable as Soobin pulled him into a hug._

_“I’m not leaving, hyung.” Soobin forced the words out, each utterance a stab to the gut._

_“I love you, Soobin.”_

_He held Yeonjun tighter, locking lips again, lips that soon trailed down to Yeonjun’s jaw, further down to his neck. They showed each other love that night, but Soobin couldn’t say it back-- afraid that once he said the L word, he wouldn’t be able to let go._

. . .

“You know… I don’t really understand why you avoid talking to me whenever I’m awake, yet I always catch you sneaking around here when I wake up from sleeping,” Yeonjun spoke as Soobin updated Yeonjun’s files.

“Purely work.”

“Really? Beomgyu and Jungkook hyung tell me otherwise,” Yeonjun leaned back on his pillow as he reached for the glass of water on the retractable table in front of him.

“They’re probably lying. I only come here to check your vitals and update the nurses about your medicine dosages.”

“You’re not even my doctor.”

Quick, Soobin needed an excuse as he usually does, “Your hematologist is preoccupied right now, and I’m free to assist. The chief thinks I’m not in the right mind to conduct any surgeries… so…”

“Why don’t you just admit you missed me, Soobin-ah?” he pried further, crossing his arms, the familiar smile—god that fucking smile—toying at Yeonjun’s mouth.

“Because we promised each other we’d never talk again. After we broke up, we promised we’d pretend we didn’t exist to each other. I’m only holding up my end of our deal. I’m pretending not to know you, Yeonjun-ssi. For both our sakes.”

“I wish I were a man of commitment,” Yeonjun muttered. Soobin raised an eyebrow at that, but decided against further questioning. Yeonjun continued to speak, “It hurt…, watching you from afar, knowing that I agreed to the promise of returning back to being strangers. That’s why Seonghwa and Jungkook hyung volunteered to check on you once in a while… you know, just to make sure the Strays don’t hurt you or something.”

“… Why would the Strays want to hurt me? As far as I know, I’m not a Puma anymore.”

“There’s a fine line between ‘not a Puma anymore’ and ‘not being cared about by the Pumas anymore’. Soobin, the Pumas were devastated when they found out we broke up. It meant no more funky pop music, no more drunk Soobin, no more Kai. God, the Pumas were whipped for Kai after they met him,” Yeonjun smiled at the memory while Soobin’s grip on the clipboard tightened at the mention of his brother’s name.

“If you say Seonghwa and Jungkook hyung were quote en quote, checking on me once in a while,” Soobin changed the topic, “Then why did Seonghwa fail to recognize me the day you were rushed here?”

“Because I asked him to. I wanted to move on from you, but they just couldn’t shake the nagging possibility of a Stray trailing behind your back. So I let them watch over you. Under one condition: they shouldn’t say your name. If they did, I would force them to stop driving by your house at night.”

“Why? Didn’t you want to hear my name anymore, Yeonjun-ssi?”

“Soobin,” Yeonjun shuffled to face the doctor, “Your name is tattooed on me. I see it every time I look in the damn mirror, of course I would spare myself from hearing your name.”

“Then why didn’t you cover it up? Or have it removed?”

Yeonjun bit the inside of his cheek. “Because I wanted to have tangible proof that I was once loved by you. That I once occupied a special place in your heart. That I was more to you than just an orphaned, rebellious, delinquent biker.”

“I never found anyone else after you,” Soobin said before he could keep the words in his throat. The silence that followed his sudden confession made the doctor anxious.

“I know. Kook-hyung told me the only guy he’s seen you with are Kai and that other doctor. Speaking of… how is Kai?”

“Kai…” Soobin drew in a breath, “Kai, he’s… he’s fine, Yeonjun-hyung.”

As Soobin clipped the documents back on his bed, two things baffled Yeonjun.

First being Soobin’s cracking voice and clear discomfort upon mentioning Kai, the second being the fact that, in his haste, Soobin said ‘Yeonjun-hyung’.

. . .

“Who are the daffodils for?” Namjoon asked when he saw Soobin dashing through the corridor, a bouquet of roses in hand. The reason Soobin quickened his pace was because he didn’t want anyone seeing him smuggling in flowers for a patient.

Soobin stopped in his tracks, cursing slightly as he turned to Namjoon, shoes squeaking on the tiled floors. “Uhh, a patient from outside told me to uhh--”

Namjoon raised his hand, signaling for Soobin to stop explaining. “Yesterday,” Namjoon clicked on the pen in his hand, “There were roses in that Leukemia patient’s room, were those from you?”

Leukemia. Why did everyone have to remind him of that?

“No.” It would be easy to lie to Namjoon because although he wouldn’t buy whatever Soobin said, he just wouldn’t argue with it. The chief nodded, “There are extra vases in the unoccupied rooms if you need more.”

. . .

Daffodils. The flowers that symbolize a new beginning.

It’s been three weeks since Yeonjun was confined. During those three weeks, Soobin found solace in Yeonjun… soon enough, the awkwardness of being past lovers was gone. Soobin sighed to himself, he was once again being dependent on Yeonjun, all the while knowing he was going to leave soon.

Soobin was outside Yeonjun’s hospital room, he could hear the faint laughter of two people conversing inside, along with the strumming of guitar strings. Must be Gyu.

During their previous small talks, Yeonjun has mentioned that Beomgyu was the only one who made him laugh after Soobin left. Apparently, Beomgyu was one of the Strays…, that is, until he and another member had bad blood. Yeonjun mentioned it concerned the many fights between the Pumas and Strays. Beomgyu wasn’t a fan of violence, which was why he decided to stay with the Pumas instead. Every time they'd talk about it, Yeonjun would do a double-take, like he wanted to say more of the story. But Soobin never pried.

Beomgyu instantly earned the trust of the Pumas. He was adored. Yeonjun even compared the Pumas’ love for Beomgyu to their love for Kai. Soobin wondered when he would be strong enough to break the news to Yeonjun.

The laughter and music inside the room died down, and Soobin heard the doorknob click open, Beomgyu coming out and smiling at Soobin.

“I knew it, those flowers were from you. Yeonjun owes me a snack now, thanks Soobin-ssi.” Beomgyu gave Soobin a pat on the shoulder and pushed him toward the door. Soobin blinked, Beomgyu’s words failing to sink in.

“Don’t sweat it, Soobin-ssi,” Beomgyu mocked, “He is still into you.”

. . .

“Yeonjun-hyung?” Soobin queried, expecting dead air, but thankfully Yeonjun replied.

“Hm? Soobin-ah,” Yeonjun was tired from his conversations with Beomgyu, Soobin could tell. Yeonjun was facing the view outdoors, where the other flowers stood in vases atop the windowsill.

“Here.” Soobin handed him the flowers, eyes elsewhere as he felt Yeonjun take the bouquet from him.

“Were the roses and Forget-Me-Nots from you too?” Yeonjun asked, though he knew the answer. He just wanted to hear Soobin say it. Wanted to hear Soobin’s voice as much as he could. Yeonjun gently played with the flower’s soft petals.

“Yes… yes hyung they were…”

“Are you planning on giving me a flower of every color?” Yeonjun asked, peering up at the tall doctor.

“If you’d let me.”

Yeonjun assured him, “Yeah. I like seeing color in this bare room. You’re my favorite color, though, Soobin.”

“Don’t talk like that, hyung.” If he continued to say words like those, Soobin might fall in love with him once more. But then again, did he ever fall out of it? Did they ever fall out of love with each other?

“Someday,” Yeonjun picks at the flower’s upper stem, “These are going to be white, Soobin. You do know and accept that right?”

Truth be told, Soobin was far from ready to accept it. He hasn’t gotten over Kai, how was he supposed to deal with a second?

“I’m going to leave you soon. Sooner than we would expect.” Yeonjun spoke with such finality that Soobin wanted to break down in front of him.

“You know, when I first found out I had Leukemia about six months ago… I didn’t take it to heart. I continued to ride, continued to brawl with the Strays. I went to different hospitals for my treatments,” he paused. “For a while, I was strong. I had this… faith that all these bone marrow transplants could sustain me long enough. And… I considered approaching you. Considered telling you about my condition.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“Because of this. God,” Yeonjun looked away, “Look at the situation we’re in--”

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me. Six months is six months. Hyung… I’d do anything to have six months more with you.” _Right now, there’s no telling how much time we have left._

“If I told you… then you’d pity me. Are we going to argue about this?” No. Neither of them had enough energy. “Soobin, I’m telling you right now… stop visiting me, stop giving me flowers. It’s the only way to spare yourself from what’s coming.”

Soobin sat down on the small empty space in Yeonjun’s bed, his free arm supporting his leaning form, trapping Yeonjun as he was unable to shuffle away. He didn’t want to.

“I have experienced the worst kinds of pain these past weeks, hyung. I can handle a little more if it means I get to be here as the clock ticks. Because--” Soobin leaned in closer and held Yeonjun’s cheek in a way that was all too familiar. “—Choi Yeonjun, if you haven’t noticed no matter what I do, I simply will not and cannot get over you. Might as well make the most of it.”

Soobin’s mouth quivered as he willed himself to say the words that were so hard to say.

“Let me love you one last time.”

“You’ll get hurt, Soobin-ah. And I--… I’d get the easy way out.”

“I know I will get hurt, hyung. But this isn’t the first time. I know the risks. It would be my fault, not yours.”

“If you say so Soobin.”

He didn’t wait another second. He dove in and kissed Yeonjun, missing the feeling of the elder’s lips on his own. Yeonjun took Soobin’s hand and intertwined their finger, again being in their own world.

Soobin wished he could go back to the time his mother was the only third party—now, they were up against death, the worst of them all.

. . .

RING! RING!

Soobin woke from his deep slumber, reaching behind him for the phone that rang obnoxiously loud. He pressed the phone to his ear, not bothering to open his eyes. How dare someone disturb his comfortable sleep.

“Hyung? Where are you? I was hoping you could cover me for my shift today. I already referred my patients to y--”

“Taehyun,” Soobin grunted, “Slow down… what?”

“It’s Gyu’s birthday. Scold me after you cover for me. Thanks, hyung. Bye.”

Soobin creased his eyebrows, reality dawning on him. A faint tingle—no, pins and needles on his right arm urged him to wake up. Oh…

Yeonjun was still sleeping soundly, the weight of Yeonjun’s head on Soobin’s was probably what caused his right arm to well—sleep. The elder looked so peaceful. Soobin has been so caught up with his own grief that he has forgotten what it felt like to be at peace.

He couldn’t necessarily stand up in his position, he didn’t want to take Yeonjun away from sleep yet. Sleep, who seemed to be Soobin’s only comfort while dealing—the blankness of his thoughts. Soobin placed a soft kiss to Yeonjun’s cheek. It was still as soft as he remembered. Loose strands of Yeonjun’s hair clung to his forehead, eyebrows knitted ever so slightly, a smile grazing his lips.

The sight was familiar to Soobin. It was the sight that he used to see first thing in the morning. The doctor’s phone vibrated again, and this time it was Namjoon who texted.

Soobin carefully lifted Yeonjun’s head off of him, like how a kid would gently handle a dozing puppy. “I’ll be back, hyung,” Soobin whispered, taking his coat and heading to the hospital’s locker room for a shower.

. . .

“Soobin, we’re sorry, we really are… but you know how much we value each others well-being,” Jungkook explained to the younger, body guarding the door to Yeonjun’s room. Seonghwa was there too, ready to jump in if in case Soobin snaps.

“Why? You’re not Yeonjun, how the fuck would you know if keeping me out would help him? It will make him worse—he needs me!”

“Or is it the other way around, Soobin?” Seonghwa whispered warily as Soobin’s flaring eyes flicked to him, “Are you using Yeonjun to get over something we don’t know about?"

Soobin gulped, his brother’s face suddenly flashing before his eyes. His brother’s laugh—Kai’s laugh, Kai’s neon-colored sweaters, Kai’s expression as he screams in frustration after being called an impostor in ‘Among Us’.

Yeonjun would mention Kai every time. And every time, Soobin would blink back the tears. So no, he was not using Yeonjun to get over Kai, in fact, talking to Yeonjun only rubbed salt into the wound.

Seonghwa sensed Soobin’s discomfort and he locked eyes with Jungkook, who was also well aware of Soobin’s sudden silence.

“Just… please, let me in. If he’s asleep, I wouldn’t talk to him. I just want to see him,” Soobin pushed, his last attempt, shoulders slack, mind flooded by both Kai and Yeonjun. The one he lost, and the one he is about to loose.

“Yeonjun told us to keep you out, Bin,” Jungkook explained, “He doesn’t want you to see him in this state.”

Soobin was well aware that he should have a say in this, he was Yeonjun’s doctor after all. Even when they both knew cuddling after a check-up was far from professional. The people around them stole glances at Soobin, probably wondering what business Soobin had with dark-clad Pumas.

“All right look,” Soobin said, sweat beading at his forehead in frustration as he convinced the two, “Whatever Yeonjun is worrying about right now… it wouldn’t be new to me--”

“Soobin,” Seonghwa interjected, “When you left the night you broke up, Yeonjun refused to talk to any of us. Saying something along the lines of ‘I’m weak, I should’ve been stronger’. That night, he showed you the side of him that he kept to himself. It took a toll on him.”

Jungkook agreed, “I think it’s better for you to keep away. Soobin, Yeonjun is… dying. That’s enough for him to worry about. Let him be.”

“The worst thing that happened to us both was breaking up. I don’t understand why he would deliberately shut me out,” Soobin’s voice got louder, but he could care less.

“He’s losing his hair,” Jungkook let slip, “The color is draining from his skin. His cheeks are thinning. His lips are dry and chapped, Soobin,” Jungkook could feel himself slipping into sadness as he recounted what Yeonjun told him and Seonghwa.

“ _I’m losing myself, hyungs,_ ” Yeonjun had said, the night before, _“It would pain Soobin to see me like this. I can’t dance with him anymore, can’t take him on rides with Fed. Sometimes I wonder if Soobin even feels comfortable when hugging me, or if he just feels like he’s hugging bones. If he sees me like this…”_

“I love Yeonjun for who he is, for fucks sakes, if I cared about appearances I should’ve found someone else, should’ve had another boyfriend or girlfriend—but no… all I could think about for the years we spent apart was him.”

 _“…Would he still kiss and love me like he used to?”_ Yeonjun looked up to his strong hyungs who were secretly in the verge of tearing down their own walls and crying with the younger.

“Nothing would change, hyungs. I would still love him the same, if not more.”

. . .

The Revving Pumas always had a soft spot for Soobin—especially Yeonjun.

“I told them to keep you out.” Yeonjun adjusted the black beanie on his head.

Soobin shut the door behind him. “They tried. Also, I’m stubborn.”

“You really haven’t changed, have you?” Yeonjun laughed inwardly, pushing himself by the heel of his palm as he leaned on the pillows to support his back.

The doctor adjusted his sleeves, pulling them up and exposing his wrist. He instantly regretted it afterward.

“Soobin… did you…?”

“Go on, hyung. Tease me as much as you want but it didn’t tattoo itself.”

Yeonjun beamed at Soobin as he reached out like a giddy child and admired his initials which were once again tattooed on Soobin’s wrist. As soon as Yeonjun’s happiness came, it went. Soobin noticed that happened a lot to Yeonjun as the days went by.

“Soobin-ah, you shouldn’t have--”

“But hyung, I’m stubborn aren’t I?”

As hard headed as ever.

. . .

_Yeonjun didn’t know how to react when Hongjoong, their gang leader, permitted Soobin to undergo their initiation._

_Hongjoong had explained that Soobin was adamant and pushy about it. Besides, Soobin was with the Revving Pumas very often that people began to suspect he already was a Puma. He already had the protection, trust, and respect of the gang. Might as well make it official and give him the title._

_“Once a Puma, always a Puma, Yeonjun. He knows our secrets--” Hongjoong raised a finger to shut Yeonjun up before he could object, “I’ve heard you talking to him about matters that are strictly for us. He almost seems like he lives here, and he has gotten the attention of the Strays. They know how much the Pumas love the guy.”_

_Yeonjun sighed and let his back slouch on the chair he was on. “What do you mean? You’re okay with making Soobin a Puma because he also has beef with the Strays? I can protect him with without further jeopardizing his life and reputation.”_

_“Jun,” the elder spoke in a sterner way, “They’re so keen on hurting Soobin, them kidnapping him isn’t that far-fetched. If he becomes one of us, even the other Pumas who never cared about him would be obliged to. The strays would think twice.”_

_Whether Yeonjun agreed with Hongjoong or not didn’t matter, since in two days time, both Yeonjun and Soobin along with a couple other Pumas were by the edge of a remote city._

_“Ride,” Yeonjun said as he fastened a helmet over a confused Soobin’s head, the weight of the headgear squishing Soobin’s hair inside._

_“That—that’s it? You guys want me to ride as fast as I could in the middle of nowhere at night… and that would be it? I’d be a Puma?”_

_“Oh, but we know you’re afraid of doing reckless things alone. Riding isn’t the initiation, Soobin. It’s facing your fear. If you want to be a Puma, you must trust yourself enough to defend yourself, learn to be independent.” Yeonjun said, making sure Soobin absorbed every word._

_“Because even though we swore an oath to protect each other, being in a wrong place at the wrong time can’t be helped. Sometimes we would be simply… alone.”_

. . .

“Do you remember the time you told me sometimes we’d be alone? Was,” Soobin sighed as he set his things on the bedside, “Was this what you meant?”

“I didn’t know I was sick, Soobin-ah…”

“But you knew… that someday we would be. You knew someday one of us is going to be left behind.”

Yeonjun had no reply for what Soobin said. For all his life, Yeonjun had believed Soobin would be the one who’d abandon him, believed Soobin had gone for good. But here he was, counting down the days with him.

“It’s inevitable. With my lifestyle, it’s easy to overthink—to convince myself that if old age doesn’t get me… the Strays would. I never saw this coming.” Yeonjun played with the soft material of his blanket.

“Well, I’m ignorant, Soobin. I fail to see a lot of things, like how the Strays attacked you when you were riding alone. But I felt it— That you weren’t safe. And I also feel it now. That they’re trailing somewhere out there.”

“But you saved me, they failed to mug, shoot, and or kidnap me. Can we not talk about those things, hyung? The Strays can’t reach any of us here.” Soobin took out his phone and pulled up his Spotify playlist. If anything could silence Yeonjun’s worries, that would be music.

Whenever Soobin and Yeonjun were together, there were no threats, no plights, nothing but each others presence.

By the time the night ended, the both of them lay cramped in the single hospital bed, the faint and almost static sound of Paramore’s songs playing in the background. Yeonjun’s arm rested around Soobin’s waist, head on his chest. It calmed Yeonjun, listening to Soobin’s breathing and heartbeat.

Yeonjun had pretended to be asleep, he really couldn’t. But if he stayed awake, Soobin would too.

There was something Soobin wasn’t telling him, though he decided against forcing Soobin to tell him. The younger was looking out for him, maybe Soobin deemed it as something Yeonjun wouldn’t be able to accept or handle…, or maybe he couldn’t bring himself to say it at all.

Perhaps Soobin was afraid, yeah that was probably it. Soobin’s always been the scared-y type, he’d overcome it eventually.

. . .

_Soobin hollered as drove Fed, zooming through the dark ghost-town. The Strays were still close behind them, he should be scared, but Soobin has never felt so alive. Five minutes after he set off for his initiation, the Strays have picked up on his location and decided to corner him. It was a miracle Yeonjun came in time._

_Yeonjun balanced himself behind Soobin, aiming his gun at the Strays behind them in case they decided to shoot._

_“Soobin, we have to go faster if we don’t want our heads perched on their walls,” Yeonjun’s voice was muffled by the headgear he wore, yet Soobin understood._

_The engine roared and, if it were day, Soobin could’ve sworn he saw the tires flare up and smoke the cement. Yeonjun fell forward into Soobin’s back._

_“Fuck you, Strays!” Soobin yelled, holding up his middle finger to make a point, nearly making the motor topple._

_BANG!_

_One of the strays aimlessly shot at them, making Soobin jump and swerve ever so slightly._

_“Eyes on the road, Soobin!”_

_Soobin laughed loudly, loud enough for the strays to hear, “This Choi is my boyfriend you bastard idiots! You really think he’d let you fuckers get me!?”_

_“Soobin-ah, are you fucking out of your mind!?” Yeonjun reprimanded. Soobin knew he was hiding a smirk under his helmet, though. “Are you trying to get us killed?!”_

_“You’re the one pointing a gun at them!”_

_“Soobin, seriously, shush!”_

. . .

_“Did we lose them yet?” Soobin asked as Yeonjun surveyed the dark surroundings with his eyes._

_“Yes, yes I think we did. They are so gonna chase our asses tomorrow,” Yeonjun half-joked. The strays would probably barge in The Onyx guns a blazing, but now was no time to be troubled._

_Soobin slowed down to motor, his tiredness kicking in. The worst part of all the adrenaline is when it drains away. He turned left, entering an alley that was only illuminated by the moonlight that seeped through the buildings around it._

_He parked the motorbike and took off his helmet, the leather jacket that Yeonjun lent him glistened thanks to the flickering warm-colored lamp post._

_“Why’d we stop? The Onyx is a few miles away,” Yeonjun asked, taking off his own protective gear._

_“I just need to catch my breath, I hope you don’t mind.”_

_“Okay.” Yeonjun said, getting off Fed and walking further into the alley where he had a good view of the moon and the stars around it._

_“Thank you, hyung. For saving me back there.” Soobin said as he gave Yeonjun a back-hug, his nose nuzzling Yeonjun’s neck, feeling Yeonjun’s silver earrings pressing at the side of his head. “Is there any way I can repay you?”_

_Soobin nipped at Yeonjun’s neck. “Hmm, maybe.” Yeonjun’s hand reached up, threading his fingers in Soobin’s hair._

_The younger continued to trace his lips over Yeonjun’s neck, up until he reached the juncture where it met his jaw. Yeonjun’s eyes glazed as he flipped himself over. Again, they were in their own world under the shadows of the night._

_Soobin stared at Yeonjun, suddenly missing the warmth Yeonjun exuded when they were pressed against each other. Before he could whine about Yeonjun pulling away, Yeonjun yanked him down by the collar of his shirt and clashed his lips into Soobin’s._

_Their surroundings were quiet, save for the hum of silence and their own breathlessness as their lips continued to dance against each other. The physical sense of comfort they both have craved after the chase. Only each others names repeated in their minds like a mantra as Soobin pushed Yeonjun backwards without breaking contact._

_Yeonjun felt for the leather coating of the motor’s seat behind him as he leaned on it for support. Yeonjun’s hand made its way to Soobin’s bicep, the latter’s hand on his hips, as Soobin’s tongue went over Yeonjun’s bottom lip._

_The Puma who was already pliant under Soobin’s touch let the other’s tongue explore his mouth without protest. Their hearts thrummed in sync with every kiss, they’ve already memorized the curve of each others lips and bodies at this point._

_Soobin’s touch went under the elder’s shirt, leaving soft traces at the outline of his boyfriend’s abs. Yeonjun moaned at the slight contact, urging Soobin to press himself harder onto the elder. They were inexplicably close to each other, with only the present in mind—being young, wild and free._

. . .

Oh, the things Soobin would do to go back to being young, wild, and free. His mother has taken that away from him, like ripping a band-aid off in one go… but the wound has retuned and fate threatening to add more scars.

“I miss the times we would ride on Fed at night. Miss the times we’d go crazy on the dance floor. I miss seeing you drunk and singing your heart out. Don’t you?”

Soobin and Yeonjun were on a balcony of a spare room Soobin smuggled the elder into. Yeonjun had a sudden boost of energy and wanted to breathe fresh air. The IV pole that was connected to his wrist stood beside him, with Soobin at his right.

“We were always night people, weren’t we?” Soobin asked back, chuckling a little at the familiar moon.

“The things the moon has seen us do,” Yeonjun joked, thriving in the gentle caress of wind on his skin. He was still in his hospital gown and it made him feel bare. Soobin noticed Yeonjun’s discomfort and handed him a jacket, which was wrapped around Soobin’s arm.

“Here… I never had the chance to give it back to you.” Yeonjun unfurled the piece of clothing and smiled at the fading mark on the jacket’s behind. It was the Puma’s logo, a Puma’s silver eye around swirls of black and white.

“I left this with you for a reason, Soobin. But, I thought you threw it away after we broke up.”

“My mother forced me to leave the Pumas and you. She doesn’t know about the jacket. It was kind of my last memoir of you, couldn’t let go of it.”

“Memoir? I’m still alive, Soobin.” Yeonjun let slip. When he realized the impact of his words, he sighed, smile falling, as he wrapped the jacket around his own form.

Still alive, _not for long._

“So…” Soobin changed the topic, “Did you sleep well?”

Yeonjun let out a breath, “Yeah. But… I barely get any dreams anymore. I guess even my brain is slowly fading away. Enough about me, though. I want to know about you. All I know about you right now is that you’re a doctor, a surgeon who is, for some reason, avoiding any surgical duty… you have a friend, Taehyun… and that you spend almost all your days slacking around with me.”

Yeonjun turned to face Soobin, who was staring down at the cars in the street with a sullen expression.

“What happened to you after us, Soobin? What’s your story?”

For a second there, Soobin considered telling Yeonjun all about Kai, but he stopped himself.

“I cried over our break-up for months, or maybe a little over a year, actually. I mostly sobbed about the fact I left you without trying to fight for us. It still haunts me to this day, hyung.” A tear run down Soobin’s cheek.

“Sometimes I think of what would’ve happened if we just ran away. Or if I let you leave the Pumas for me. When mom went to live with her new husband in the US, I was so… so tempted to go back to the Pumas, come back to you… but I couldn’t just _leave_ Kai.” Soobin’s voice faltered at the mention of Kai’s name.

Before Yeonjun could ask another question, Soobin beat him to it, “Me being a doctor, that wasn’t actually the plan, hyung.”

The elder snorted, the tip of his lips curving upwards, “You never had a plan, your college program had nothing to do with medicine,” he sighed, following Soobin’s downward gaze on the ongoing street traffic. “Our plan was to stay together until god knows when, and it didn’t work out. I’m happy you got your life together.”

“Yeah, I got my life together.” _I got my life together, bullshit._

Yeonjun turned to Soobin, perplexed by the younger’s melancholic tone. Soobin leant over the ledge of the veranda, his hands gripped around the mental barrier. He tensed. _I only made my life worse by being a doctor._

Soobin wanted to scream and thrash around, wanted some sort of cathartic release… but he was in front of Yeonjun. Soobin having a mental breakdown is the last thing he’d like Yeonjun to see.

Yeonjun reached out and placed his own hand above Soobin’s reassuringly. “What’s going on in your life, Soobin?” Soobin inhaled a sharp breath, feeling comforted by Yeonjun’s warm touch, yet he felt the opposite with his hyung’s question.

“Hyung… Kai is… Kai is gone… he—he’s dead, I… I killed him.”

After Soobin let his sentence out, Yeonjun’s hold tightened around both Soobin’s hand and the IV pole. Yeonjun slightly fell forward, losing his footing. Soobin’s emotions fogged his reflexes and before he could catch Yeonjun, the Puma was already on the floor.

The jacket fell off his shoulders and Soobin could hear erratic coughing from Yeonjun. He saw through his cloudy vision—Yeonjun was coughing out blood.

. . .

The license to kill is both a blessing and a curse. It wouldn’t be your fault if the one under your stethoscope dies—doctor’s may play god, but they aren’t. They’re simply humans who have the ability to save the ones who can still be saved, cured.

It’s different when it comes to family, to the people the doctor cares about. Emotions get involved.

Kai trusted Soobin with his _life,_ said he doesn’t want any other surgeon to operate on him. Sure, Soobin was capable, he was one of the highest paid surgeons in that hospital, after all. He had a low death rate, he had a chance to save his brother… right?

But Soobin passed up on that chance, he wasted it. Or at least that’s what he tells himself.

A few years after Soobin and Yeonjun were torn apart, there’s been an immense decline in Kai’s health. For all his life, Soobin and Kai’s parent’s kept secret the severity of Kai’s illness. If anyone were to look at Kai, they wouldn’t take him for someone who had a heart disease. No, he looked too healthy for that.

His cheeks flush red, his body would dance to any given rhythm, Soobin didn’t give his condition much thought.

 _“As long as Kai doesn’t strain or tire himself too much,”_ their mother said, _“Kai would be fine.”_

It was Soobin’s duty as an older brother—keep tabs on Kai and check up on him once in a while.

On the day their mother deemed Soobin mature enough, she left them. Said that Soobin can contact her any time when he needed more financial support, but Soobin didn’t call her, not ever. Soobin was mad, he didn’t want to owe his mother anything after all she’s done. And besides, she lied. She told Soobin the reason she’d be going to the US was because there was new job opportunity.

Sure, it could be true and Soobin could’ve bought the lie, only if he hadn’t received news of his mother dating her boss to get to a higher rank. Soobin understood that his mother tried to get over her divorce with her husband, but leaving her own sons and giving a lie as an excuse? Soobin couldn’t have that.

Instead, he worked hard, got himself a scholarship so that the money his mother left for his own tuition could be used for Kai’s education. It was mostly because of both Kai and the scholarship that got him into the lane of medicine.

When Soobin entered their house one day, holding a grape frappe he bought just for Kai, he was thankful he chose the right path. Because Kai was passed out on his bed, holding one huge bunny plushie up close—the one he said resembled his hyung. Tobin, the stuffed toy he would find comfort in Soobin’s absence.

Soobin dropped the frappe, leaving it to spill on their tiles. He rushed to Kai, placing his fingers up to his brother’s wrist, praying, hoping, begging any god out there for a pulse. And there was.

Soobin felt a rush of adrenaline and took his brother’s unconscious body, muttering a string of:

 _“It’s okay Kai,”_ It wasn’t.

 _“Hyung is here, I got you,”_ Did he, really? He raced down the staircase, fumbled for the doorknob.

 _“It’s going to be all right, Kai.”_ Soobin opened the backseat of his car, carefully laying Kai’s form as he got into the driver’s seat, foot stepping on the gas as hard as he could.

 _“S… Soobinnie hyung…”_ Soobin heard Kai’s soft murmurs, he seemed to be trying so hard to keep awake. Soobin glanced at the rearview mirror to see Kai’s eyelids opening in the slightest, chest heaving and taking labored breaths.

_“Hang in there, Kai-ah.”_

. . .

“Soobin-ah?” Yeonjun’s voice greeted Soobin as soon as he entered the room.

“Sing with me.” Yeonjun said, shuffling so that he was sat upright on the edge of the bed, feet on the floor and ready to stand. The IV pole conveniently placed next to him.

“Hyung… you just fainted. You need to rest,” Soobin argued, making his way to Yeonjun with the intention of pushing him back down, doctor’s orders. Yeonjun blacked out after he began coughing up blood. Soobin’s colleagues worried that the blood might’ve clogged his lungs.

“How long was I out?” Yeonjun asked, dodging Soobin’s hands and standing up by himself, using the metal IV stand as support.

“A day, hyung. A good twenty-four hours. You seriously need to rest.” Soobin faced Yeonjun, determined to get Yeonjun back.

The elder instead walked to one of the corners of the room and picked up a guitar case. “Isn’t that Beomgyu’s?” Soobin found his curiosity peak.

“Yes. He began teaching me how to play guitar before,” Yeonjun unlocked the case, taking the brown instrument in his hands, slinging the strap over his shoulder. The beanie on Yeonjun’s head was pulled far down to his forehead, Soobin never had the courage to ask how bad his hair has gotten, he didn’t think it was necessary. The thin ribbon of the blue hospital gown around his waist has long since replaced the chains that once wrapped around his hips.

If it were any other day, under any other circumstance, Yeonjun would barf at this outfit. But it wasn’t like he had a choice. For someone who had Leukemia, he looked healthy—much like Kai right before he began the fight for his life.

“Now… Beomgyu knew he didn’t have time to teach me all the complicated chords anymore. He didn’t say it, I just felt it. I was aware Beomgyu knew how quickly I’m dying, Soobin.” Yeonjun experimentally strummed on the guitar strings.

“So I asked him to teach me a single song I could play for you.”

Yeonjun sat back down on the bed next to Soobin. Yeonjun began playing with the chords, leaving Soobin to stare at Yeonjun’s focused side profile. Even at that angle, Yeonjun’s eyes still held galaxies. Held such depth and… life.

Yeonjun began strumming to a familiar melody, his hands and fingers nimbly sliding on the guitar’s neck, finger pads pressing on the right notes.

“ _Can't count the years on one hand that we've been together_ ,” Yeonjun began to sing. It has been so long since he last heard Yeonjun sing.

“ _I need the other one to hold you, make you feel, make you feel better,_ ” His voice eased Soobin, he wouldn’t need his hands, his presence was enough to make Soobin better.

 _“It's not a walk in the park to love each other,”_ Yeonjun sang, head bobbing to the beats of the music.

A sob escaped Soobin’s lips. He can feel his nose puffing and eyes watering again. When will this cycle of tears end?

Yeonjun averted his attention to Soobin, taking off the guitar strap from his shoulders and placing the instrument against the room’s wall.

“Why’d you stop, hyung? Y… you practiced--”

“Soobin-ah,” Yeonjun’s tone was meek and gentle as he took Soobin’s face in his palms. “You’re sad… you know how much it hurts me too when you cry.”

“Right,” Soobin said, wiping his tears with the back of his hand, “I’m sorry, hyung.” Soobin forced himself to smile, “See, hyung? I’m happy. I… I’m smiling.”

The doctor’s smiled, his lips pursed in a thin line curved up, and poked his own dimple with his finger. Soobin’s own way of acting cute. But the gesture itself only broke Yeonjun’s heart even more.

Deep inside, Soobin knew Yeonjun didn’t have long.

Yeonjun didn’t know what else to do, so he moved closer and engulfed Soobin in an embrace. And Soobin let loose, he wailed and whimpered, bawled, and held onto Yeonjun. Held onto him like there was no tomorrow, like his life depended on it.

“It’s okay, Soobin-ah… cry it out.”

“It’s… it’s… how—how long?”

Yeonjun chuckled at the thought of his reply, “You tell me. You’re the doctor, Soobin-ah.” Soobin’s tears soaked Soobin’s blue hospital gown.

“Soobin-ah,” Yeonjun pulled away from the embrace, “How long do we have?”

This was one of the things, along with Kai’s death, that he refused to admit to himself.

“How are you feeling, hyung?”

The question perplexed the elder, but he answered with honesty, “Okay. I’m feeling okay. Maybe I could even ride Fed if you’d let me. Soobin-ah,” there was a mischievous glint in Yeonjun’s eyes, “Let’s take fed on a ride today!” 

Soobin looked away. He knew what this was. The sudden burst of energy-- _surge before death,_ which was probably the most painful type of false hope. It would give the impression that everything was okay, that the person had more days to live. It would explain why Yeonjun was being like this.

“What about, what about we stay here tonight?” Soobin said reassuringly.

“Okay.”

. . .

Yeonjun fell asleep in Soobin’s arms. The beanie that protected his head fell. Soobin could barely choke back the sobs when he saw the bald spots Yeonjun was getting insecure about. “Junie…” he whispered as he put the beanie back on his sleeping hyung’s head.

“Can you tell me your story now, Soobin-ah?” Yeonjun asked, looking up at the doctor. Yeonjun’s fingers traced over Soobin’s torso, the ghost of a touch that made Soobin’s skin shiver.

“Tell me about Kai. I miss him.”

Oh, he must have forgotten what Soobin has said the other night. It’s okay, not a big deal, Soobin just has to say it again.

“Kai is gone.”

“Hm?” Yeonjun raised his eyebrows, shuffling his body upwards so his face was next to Soobin’s. “Did he follow your mother to the States? Is that why you’re so broken over it?”

“No. Uh… Kai and I… we stayed together. I was kind of my brother’s keeper.”

Yeonjun replied with silence.

“Hyung, Kai is dead. And it was my fault.”

. . .

_“Soobin?” Came the surprised call of Namjoon when Soobin came rushing in the ER, holding his brother-bridal style. Namjoon’s eyes widened at the realization of the situation and he wheeled a bed towards Soobin._

_“I’ll handle it, Bin-hyung. Calm down,” Taehyun said as he got to work. Everything was a blur to Soobin, he heard Taehyun’s commanding voice bounce off the hospitals’ walls, but Soobin wanted to collapse. It has been the worst fifteen minutes of his life—he nearly bumped into a building on his way there._

_“Soobin, what happened? Tell me everything.”_

_“I came home after my shift and Kai was—I found him like that. I found a pulse but—but—oh god, I have been preparing for this moment my whole life but now that it’s happening I—I can’t, hyung.”_

_Namjoon nodded in understanding, he motioned for Soobin to sit down as a nurse handed him a glass of water. “It doesn’t have to be you, Soobin. We have eight other cardiac surgeons, two of which are available right now.”_

_“It has to be me.” Soobin stood up, shrugging off his emotions as much as he could, and tried to slip into a professional mindset. “The donor’s heart… is it ready?”_

_“Yes, but.. Soobin… could you really operate on him at this state?”_

_“Kai trusted me with this. I couldn’t bail on him, hyung. Not now.”_

_In Soobin’s peripheral, he saw Taehyun assisting the nurses with wheeling kai’s hospital bed towards the other wing of the hospital—to the operating room._

_“Okay Soobin, I wish you the best of luck. Just page me if you feel like backing out.”_

_. . ._

_Everything was heavy. The pressure, like an albatross on Soobin’s shoulders, the thrum of his heart—the nervousness he never felt when operating on other patients. The weight of the scalpel on Soobin’s hands._

_He willed himself to focus. The donor’s heart was connected to wires ona tray next to him. The heart would be a waste if he messed up. The broken lines the nurses drew on Kai’s chest taunted the surgeon. He’d have to get this over with, while Kai’s heart still beat steadily._

_He positioned the scalpel to make the first incision, piercing through Kai’s skin._

_Blood. It has never fazed him before, he had seen more blood than this before, but this was his brother bleeding. It was Kai, who was asleep due to sedatives injected in his system._

_The nurses nodded reassuringly to Soobin._

_The surgery was going fine… until it wasn’t. Soobin tried his best to block out negative thoughts, block out his own doubts… but he couldn’t. He had already taken out Kai’s heart and he prepared the void in Kai’s chest to insert the donor’s organ and complete the transplant._

_What if he doesn’t wake up?_

_The nurses around him prepped the needed equipment. The mask around Soobin’s face made it harder for him to breath amidst his growing anxiety._

_What if you damage an artery?_

_The clamor in Soobin’s mind made his own heartbeat quicken, the beeping of the heart monitor was not helping at all._

_What if he dies… and it would be your fault?_

_And then, Soobin’s hand slipped. The sharp metal he held plunged deep into Kai’s lung, blood splattering onto his already stained gloves and even his face. Soobin panicked. Kai was losing too much blood._

_There’s nothing more you can do, it’s over._

_. . ._

“I don’t know what happened after that, hyung. What I do know was that another doctor took over, but it was too late. The damage the knife did to Kai’s lung…”

Yeonjun shushed Soobin, “Okay, I get it. I get it, Soobin… but… please stop blaming yourself.”

“Hyung… I—I was holding the thing that killed him, how can I _not_ blame myself? I watched the life drain out of him, under my own hands.”

“No, it wasn’t your fault, Soobin.”

“I’ve tried telling myself that, hyung,” Soobin was staring at the ceiling, wondering what got into him, wondering why he wasn’t able to save his brother. Wondering… what was the point of living? Of studying medicine only for his brother to die?

“Soobin-ah. I might never be at peace with you like this. You want me to haunt you for your entire life? Huh, do you?” Yeonjun teased, tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth. Soobin couldn’t laugh, it wasn’t funny.

“What if I want you to haunt me?”

Yeonjun smacked Soobin, “I’m… I’m not kidding, Soobin. What happened to Kai… that wasn’t your fault.”

“But why me…” Soobin sighed, _why did it have to be him? Why did he have to be the one fate used to bring Kai to his death?_

“Why… why did we have to cross paths again?” _Why did Soobin have to be the one to watch Yeonjun waste away, why couldn’t Soobin do anything about it?_

“I’m sorry, Yeonjun-hyung. I’m sorry that… there’s nothing I can do to save you. I’m…”

“Shh, Soobin-ah. It’s okay.”

Soobin has yet again cried his eyes out while recounting what had happened, that he felt himself slowly drifting to sleep. Soobin’s eyelids began to droop, but he still saw the faint blur of Yeonjun reaching for Soobin’s phone in his pocket.

“ _I love you, hyung._ ” Soobin managed to mutter before he shut his eyes. Yeonjun placed a kiss on Soobin’s forehead.

“ _I love you too, Soobin-ah. Good night._ ”

. . .

Soobin wasn’t able to say ‘good morning’ the following day.

Soobin woke up on Yeonjun’s hospital bed, but the Puma wasn’t there.

“Soobin-ssi?” A sad voice called out to him.

Soobin didn’t know what was happening, he was still a bit dazed from all the crying the previous night.

“Bin-hyung?” Taehyun. Soobin felt a hand tap his shoulder.

Soobin’s eyesight adjusted, and in front of him, at the foot of the bed, was Beomgyu. His guitar case was slung over his slumped shoulders. Beomgyu’s eyes were swollen red. Taehyun, who was beside Soobin opened his mouth to speak, but hesitated.

“Where’s… where is Yeonjun-hyung?”

“He--” There was something that caught the words in Taehyun’s throat. He didn’t want to break his already broken friend. But Soobin was bound to know.

“He passed away. Midnight. Right beside you,” Beomgyu said, sparing Taehyun the trouble of saying it himself.

Soobin sat up and glanced at the empty space beside him, the ruffled up blankets where Yeonjun once was.

“There was no sign of struggle, hyung. He went peacefully… I think we have you to thank for that,” Taehyun added, as if it would lessen the pain, as if every word of his didn’t just stab Soobin in all the soft places.

Soobin’s mouth hung open, no—he… he couldn’t… no. Again, tears brimmed in his tearducts, Soobin was so… tired of crying. Soobin looked down and saw the ‘YJ’ tattoo on his wrist. This only made him sob harder.

“Uh, here,” Beomgyu said, handing him Yeonjun’s Puma jacket.

Soobin shook his head, “No… that’s his… it was a custom r—right? Once a Puma goes, the jacket goes with him.”

Beomgyu insisted, putting the piece of clothing on Soobin’s lap. “It has always been yours. Once a Puma, always a Puma. Yeonjun left you this jacket before you broke up because you didn’t stay with the Pumas long enough to have your own.”

. . .

Soobin knew this day would come, but he didn’t know it would hurt this much. Yeonjun was a huge part of his life, and with Yeonjun gone, Soobin didn’t know how to go on.

He couldn’t visit the morgue, he might not even be able to attend the funeral rights the next week. Seeing Yeonjun die right before his eyes was enough. He couldn’t do it.

Soobin felt something clink in his pocket, something like… heavy metal keys. He took whatever it was out, to see… keys. Fed’s keys.

At this point, Soobin had no more tears, he was numb already, his whole life has drained all emotion from him. Kai was gone, and now Yeonjun has joined him—the two people he loved unconditionally— _gone too soon._

“What the…” Soobin took his phone from his other pocket and… as soon as he unlocked it… he saw Yeonjun’s face. Yeonjun has recorded a video.

Soobin’s thumb, entire hand, was shaking as he pressed play.

“Hi, Soobin-ah. It’s me…,” Yeonjun exhaled, “I’m filming this… because, I’m afraid I wouldn’t get past tonight… and I have some things to say. Some things you’ve already heard me say, and things that would be new.”

Yeonjun tilted the phone to show Soobin beside him, sleeping, “You’re cute when you sleep, Soobin-ah. Even when you cry, you’re cute but—hey! I can see you, don’t cry, bunny.” Soobin paused the video. He was in the middle of the hospital’s long corridor… he decided it would be best to sit down if he were to listen to this.

“I’m sorry for coming back into your life, knowing all along I couldn’t stay.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to fight for us. It wasn’t just you… I was weak too… but now, we… we have to be strong. You’re young, Soobin. You can still be young, wild, and free. I told fed to crash you into a tree if you don’t take him on long and fast drives,” Yeonjun laughed genuinely, and then covered his mouth to avoid waking up Soobin as he filmed.

“Thank you for the flowers and kisses, Soobin-ah,” Yeonjun flipped the camera, showing the rows of vases where he kept Soobin’s flowers. “There’s one color left, Soobin. I’m waiting for the white ones.” Yeonjun flipped back the camera.

“Thank you for making me feel _so_ alive.”

“Yeah… and about Fed. Take care of him. Watch out for the Pumas… especially Beomgyu. He would be so lost without me…, but he has Taehyun and… I think Taehyun can help too. I’ll keep Kai company… that is, if I’m going to heaven.”

“A couple of favors, Soobin-ah… stop blaming yourself. And please… get over me, but remember me. Maybe, remember me as the one that got away?” Yeonjun winked, “Nah, don’t. Just, remember me, like a movie. A movie that made you feel ecstatic. But sadly, it’s time for the end credits to roll…”

“Remember the good memories, remember my name, so that when we meet again…, hopefully _not_ soon, we’d pick up where we left off.”

“Find someone else, Soobin. I wouldn’t take it to heart if it would make you happy.”

“Continue drinking with the Pumas, they miss you. Please hold Kook-hyung back whenever he feels like he wants to barge into the Stray’s base. And… about the Strays? You don’t have to worry much, Seonghwa-hyung and Honjoong hyung will handle it…”

“Please, try to heal yourself. Take a break from all of this… get a dog, go to the beach, be Taehyun and Beomgyu’s third wheel. Do everything it takes to make you happy again."

“Keep riding. Keep saving lives…,

.

.

.

even when you couldn’t save mine.”

“ _Goodnight, Soobin-ah. I love you._ ”


	2. 007: Suture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beomgyu was probably one of the most courageous of the Pumas. He was everything a Puma is: reckless, impulsive, but brave-- though he was a coward when it comes to anything concerning Taehyun. He was fragile when it came to him. 

Beomgyu’s life is the most inconsistent thing in existence.

One second he’d be in the movie theater, hiding from any staff with a flashlight to keep himself from being caught (yes, he snuck in) and in the next minute, he would be out on a chase…, or what Yeonjun used to call it, _“Hide-and-Seek With Guns,”_ and then in the next hour, he’d be in The Onyx, singing his heart out—and within that same night, he’d make it a point to check-up on his boyfriend, Taehyun.

Boyfriend. That’s just what Beomgyu calls him in his head, it really wasn’t official. But there was _definitely_ something going on between them, however he was afraid to bring the topic out and onto the table, since everything about Taehyun scared him, but not enough to scare him away.

Beomgyu was probably one of the most courageous of the Pumas. He was everything a Puma is: reckless, impulsive, but brave-- though he was a coward when it comes to anything concerning Taehyun. He was fragile when it came to him. 

And maybe, Beomgyu’s life was also as fragile as glass; maybe being a Puma made that metaphor worse than it already is. A single miss-step could make him topple over and shatter. 

However, of the many, many times Beomgyu had tripped, or fallen off his motorcycle, this _one time,_ he was thankful. 

Thankful for this one doctor completely missing the ‘ _Caution: Wet Surface_ ’ sign at the hospital.

Thankful that his life was filled with things not even the best psychic could predict. 

. . .

_“Help!” Beomgyu pushed past the huge glass doors, desperate to catch anyone’s attention in the bustling ER of the nearest hospital._

_Beomgyu was getting tired of how his life seemed to be a roller coaster-- and no, he’s not trying to be poetic. It is an actual roller coaster. He and his Yeonjun-hyung were racing in the streets of Seoul, being the careless daredevils they were. The road was completely empty despite the sun being at its peak. There was no other vehicle in sight aside from Jungkook’s and Seonghwa’s, Yeonjun’s, and Beomgyu’s own._

_There weren’t even rocks, puddles, or indentations on the street when Yeonjun lost grip of Fed and skidded off the road, landing onto the ground by his side as Fed was chucked across him. Beomgyu had tried to check his vitals, they were completely fine-- his breathing, his head was still in one piece, there was barely any blood aside from the scratches in his arms from the harsh cement._

_But his heartbeat. It was barely there._

_He’d noticed how Yeonjun began to lose interest in things, how he began to have longer hours of sleep, how he insisted on getting more than eight hours-- Yeonjun even chose sleep over games and karaoke! The boy couldn’t believe his own ears, but Yeonjun had made it clear as day-- and Beomgyu just assumed that maybe Yeonjun was simply maturing._

_Apparently not._

_Yeonjun was extra passive that day, simply eating the mint ice cream he loved so much, buried in his own bed as he watched Netflix. And Beomgyu just had to barge in and coerce Yeonjun into a race because Beomgyu reasoned that Yeonjun had to ‘touch some grass,’ and that this passiveness of his was just caused by ‘cabin fever.’_

_It wasn’t Beomgyu’s fault he wasn’t aware of Yeonjun having stage four Leukemia._

_And Yeonjun couldn’t blame him either, after all, he was the one who decided to keep it a secret from him. God’s sake, Beomgyu had seen Yeonjun wretch out blood onto their sink, Yeonjun played it off as some kind of internal bleeding he got from getting in a fistfight with one of the Pumas._

_Maybe Beomgyu blames himself a bit for being dumb and failing to see that there was something worse going on with his hyung._

_“Help! Our friend--” Beomgyu suddenly felt heavier, hotter in his black attire. Were the exhaustion and panic finally catching up to him? No one paid attention to him-- were these doctors purposely ignoring him?_

_That was until his eyes caught another’s._

_His legs, clad in black ripped jeans (courtesy of Yeonjun), immediately paced to the doctor, ‘He’s a doctor right? He’s wearing a white coat.’_

_While Beomgyu approached the guy, he couldn’t shake the feeling of… familiarity. Like he’d seen this guy in… a picture?_

_“Doc,” Beomgyu breathed, inhaling the pungent alcohol-ly odor that the hospital reeked of, he looked behind him-- where the fuck were Seonghwa and Jungkook? “Our friend-- we were biking-- we were having a race in the streets,” the Puma corrected himself, figuring that the doctor had to know what had transpired to properly diagnose his hyung, “And he just fainted!”_

_The doctor’s face morphed into sympathy, and now Beomgyu knew who it was. But he didn’t let his thoughts interfere with anything-- the doctor might back away if he found out who the friend was._

_“Okay, calm down. I will help you… where is your friend?”_

_Beomgyu took in a breath, “They’re coming, I just… I just ran here, I got here first, adrenaline, I guess.” he stopped himself before he could ask and confirm if this doctor really was who he speculated him to be._

_It’s just that… he looked so much like Soobin, and judging how Beomgyu’s life was such a shitstorm, it wouldn’t be an entirely far fetched occurrence that his unluckiness magnetized the one person his Yeonjun-hyung was avoiding. But Beomgyu didn’t have to ask anymore-- the doctor’s name tag said it all. ‘Dr. Choi, S.’_

_The guy’s voice was also familiar… he recognized it as the one Yeonjun listened to the most. For heck’s sake, Yeonjun would often borrow Seonghwa’s phone just to listen to their silly “Still Into You” duet because he knew that Seonghwa had recorded their little performance for blackmailing purposes. (Friendly blackmail, of course.) But Yeonjun would never admit that, Beomgyu had only found out Yeonjun’s secret himself when Seonghwa asked Beomgyu to tell Yeonjun to return his phone… and Soobin’s recorded voice was the only thing heard in the room._

_“This is our secret, Gyu. Just… let me. Let me indulge in his voice, at least.”_

_“It’s okay, hyung. Missing him isn’t a crime.”_

_And now, he was face-to-face with the said person. Really, Beomgyu? Could you be a worse player in the game of life?_

_Soobin took a clipboard, “Okay, sign here. Fill up this form with the identification of your friend and your own. For documentation purposes.”_

_Soobin turned to a certain nurse Beomgyu didn’t mind acknowledging, and telling them to roll in a new bed._

_“Gyu!” Beomgyu’s head snapped towards the direction of Seonghwa’s voice. “Hwa-hyung! Finally,” Beomgyu breathed, letting out the breath he was unknowingly holding. He saw Soobin tense at the name, he must’ve recognized it. But it was way too late to go and run to a different hospital._

_In Seonghwa’s arms was Yeonjun, long body unmoving in the other Puma’s arms. Beomgyu was surprised at how his hyung managed to carry Yeonjun, but then again-- even he didn’t know he was capable of making a marathon out of the route to the hospital._

_Yeonjun’s eyes would flutter open, only for them to close again. But it was a good sign-- a good sign that he was still responsive to external stimuli… but his heartbeat was still weak, if not weaker._

_And then, Soobin got a good look at the pink-haired man he had brought in. The doctor visibly stilled. But before the nurse beside him could nudge him out of his stupor, he slightly jumped, shocked by his own initial reaction._

_Beomgyu’s heart swelled with worry when they pricked Yeonjun’s skin with all kinds of needles, one of the male nurses lifting up his hyung’s eyelids to see if his irises would respond to the light._

_Beomgyu could feel how Seonghwa tried hard to hide how he too recognized Soobin._

_“Is he going to be okay?” Seonghwa spoke up first, Soobin nodded, obviously also avoiding any sort of eye contact._

_“Doc, do you know why he fainted?”_

_“I’d still have to wait for the results of his blood test--”_

_“What are the possible results?” Beomgyu found himself asking again._

_“Is he going to be operated on? Did he hit his head? Will he lose his memories--”_

_“Sirs,” a nurse in a blue uniform tapped his shoulder. Both he and Seonghwa looked at her, “Please, let us give Dr. Choi some time to check the patient. We will update you as soon as possible.”_

_Beomgyu wanted to protest because that was his Yeonjun-hyung on the hospital bed with a dextrose on his arm-- but Seonghwa was already tugging him away from the ER._

_Seonghwa had ended up being called back by Hongjoong, the leader being very worried of what had happened to Yeonjun._

_Beomgyu was left on his own, pacing around in the white corridors, head in his hands. He wasn’t pacing back and forth though, he was just walking around the hospital, muttering words to himself. Really, he looked mentally insane, but many people in this hospital resembled the mentally insane-- he had heard a toddler cry over a broken vendo machine and a boy wail over the death of his dog. Yes, his friend died too (Beomgyu overheard), but the certain boy was grieving more for the dog. Like he said, mentally insane-- unstable. Everyone here was._

_Beomgyu was about to turn ‘round the corner when he saw a neon yellow sign that said “Caution: Wet Surface” He stared dumbly at it as he pondered on what else he could do while waiting for the nurses to let him near Yeonjun._

_“Yes, yes Ma’am! I know! Mrs. Lee I am aware that I am your kid’s doctor but I am not her fuc-- I am not her keeper. I am a human too and I need to eat, and whatever your daughter was doing during my free-time, my lunch time, mind you-- is none of my business!” A pause, and Beomgyu finally too his head out of his palms to see a very distressed doctor, holding his phone in between his hands while balancing a meal tray in the other, white coat reaching up to his knees and covering up his otherwise model-length legs-- Beomgyu, now is not the time._

_“Oh, she’s not in her room anymore? She took off her dextrose and walked away to god knows where-- BOO-HOO--” the doctor mockingly said into the phone. How stressed was this guy? Beomgyu wasn’t going to lie though… the doctor’s anger was kinda amusing. Beomgyu watched as the doctor stomped closer, losing his patience._

_“Mrs. Lee, I am not a freaking robot, so if you’d just let me eat in peace for six damn minutes--”_

_“Right, sorry for swearing.. just..,” the doctor sighed, “We’ll find your daughte--”_

_Beomgyu watched as the doctor’s beautiful face turned into shock as he let go of both his phone and the meal, and clashed head-first onto Beomgyu’s chest after slipping over the wet surface._

_Beomgyu’ hands went to support the doctor’s sides, preventing him from causing further damage as Beomgyu did his best to regain his own balance._

_He smelled of peaches, Beomgyu noticed when he inhaled a whiff of his hair from the initial shock of catching the guy. It was a contrast to the smell of disinfectant alcohol the rest of the place reeked of._

_The doctor was the first one to push off, peering up at him through his blonde fringe and maybe… Beomgyu had just fallen in love._

_“I’m sorry,” the doctor said, scrambling to reach for his phone, which had a slightly broken screen. “Uh… oh god,” the doctor said, gaping at the remnants of his spilt drinks on Beomgyu’s shirt. “I am so sorry,” he said, still caught up in his panic._

_“It’s just… water,” Beomgyu replied when he came back to his senses, “It would be dry in no time--” Beomgyu said, and the doctor nodded as he started on picking up the food he oh-so-carelessly let go of by accident._

_Call Beomgyu weird or anything, but he wanted the doctor’s attention on him again. Especially his eyes-- those orbs have given Beomgyu a whole new thing to live for. Or maybe it was sheer oddity of him meeting this doctor to make him feel like he’d been struck by lightning._

_He watched silently as the doctor-- Dr. Kang, from his nametag-- had a small argument with the hospital’s janitor, the doctor saying he should spare him the work, only for the kindhearted staff to beat him to it, already sweeping and mopping the crumbs of food away._

_The doctor sighed and made his way to exit the scene, only for Beomgyu to step in front of him, blocking his path. The doctor stepped to the left, and Beomgyu followed._

_“What’s your deal?” The doctor snapped, “Is it because I wet your shirt? You said you were fine? Have you changed your mind?”_

_Beomgyu furrowed his brows at the other, “Dr. Kang, aren’t you going back to the cafeteria?”_

_“I don’t see how this concerns you, so please do get out of my way. I have a rogue patient to attend to.”_

_“But you haven’t eaten yet. You’d only be crankier,” he said, sustaining eye contact with the slightly shorter male._

_“I don’t even know you, what do you care about my diet?” The other shot back, taking a step to the right this time only to be blocked again._

_“Beomgyu,” the Puma reached his hand out in a handshake, “I’m Choi Beomgyu. Pisces. And I’m here because my friend got into an accident.”_

_The doctor stared at the hand the elder offered him. Annoyance from earlier slowly fading, though Beomgyu could tell how hard he was trying to fight his own stoic face._

_“I really love riding on my motorbike. Am part of a gang-- the Revving Pumas, but…”_

_At the mention of his gang, the other head shot up, once again drowning Beomgyu in his eyes._

_Beomgyu began to panic, thinking that the doctor would further avoid him after knowing about his affiliation to the gang, he put his hands up in defense, “But I swear, we are literal angels-- well… angels in black but-- it’s just our aesthetic, I swear-- we don’t have a torture chamber in our place I swear--”_

_The doctor let out a lighthearted laugh, catching Beomgyu off-guard. “I know.”_

_Beomgyu continued to ramble, “Hey, just because we look all punk and stu-- what? You know?”_

_“Yeah. My friend tells me all about you. Well, not you you… just the Pumas,” the doctor explained._

_It was the doctor’s turn to hold out his hand, “I’m Taehyun.” Kang Taehyun… that suits him. Beomgyu took it in a proper handshake, enjoying the contact a little too much. Their hands fit perfectly into each other’s._

_“And I’m also running late--” Taehyun pulled his hand away, but Beomgyu didn’t relent, hand still gently gripping the doctor’s soft palm._

_“But you also seem hungry,” Beomgyu let go of the other’s hand, seeing as he made no move to leave, “Wanna eat out? I haven’t eaten either and seeing as you’ve donated your food to the trash can,” Taehyun rolled his eyes, amusing himself with the guy’s humor, “You’d need food too.”_

_Taehyun smiled and turned his back, only to look over his shoulder again, “You coming or not? Cafeteria’s that way,” Taehyun said, gesturing for the dark-clad puma to follow._

_Beomgyu quickly caught up to him, “So… who’s your friend? I might know him. Who knows we may have scored a mutual.”_

_“I doubt he knows you, though… he’s never mentioned a Beomgyu. His name’s Soobin-hyung, if you know him?” Taehyun queried as they both took a turn, and Beomgyu could see the entrance of the small canteen at the far end._

_“Soobin… yeah. I never really met him properly… but I think I know him well.”_

_“Oh do you, now?” Taehyun raised an eyebrow, intrigued by the stranger. Oddly enough, he didn’t feel threatened at all by the piercings in Beomgyu’s face, his demeanor itself was enough to settle him. Even if Beomgyu did decide to go violent on him, the hospital was his safe place, he could easily call security._

_After all, it wasn’t like Taehyun would deliberately escape from his shifts to go with Beomgyu, right? They were simply grabbing a meal together whilst connecting bits and pieces of information they knew._

_“Yes. His ex… Yeonjun-hyung. Never really stopped being whipped for Soobin. It gets too heartbreaking sometimes, even for me.”_

_“Hmm, funny. Soobin-hyung’s still broken over him too, even after all these years. He’s just doing a damn great job with hiding it,” Taehyun said, a slight hint of sadness in his voice, “‘Specially since Hyung’s been through a lot the past few days.” There was an itchiness on Beomgyu’s tongue. He wanted to ask what had happened, being the curious soul he is, but he didn’t want to be too nosy._

_“You know what’s funnier?”_

_“What?”_

_“My friend who got himself in an accident, he’s Yeonjun hyung. And… I may or may have not just pulled a random doctor to help… may or may not be Soobin...”_

_“Wha-- seriously?”_

_“Yep, fate’s a fuckboy.”_

_Taehyun sighed, “Fate is but a state of mind.”_

_“Fate brought you to me,” Beomgyu let slip, instantly averting his gaze when he’d realized what he had said._

_“No, the yellow caution sign did. Say if it weren’t obnoxiously neon yellow, would you have stopped and caught me?”_

_“If fate didn’t bring you Mrs. Lee, would you have slipped?”_

_“That was by chance. Simple domino effect of life.”_

_“I’d like to think fate controls chance too. Ah, fate and its many instruments.”_

_Taehyun seemed to quiet down at that as he processed what Beomgyu had said._

_“Hm, sure whatever.”_

_Beomgyu smiled, all giddy again, as he teased Taehyun with the many reasons why he was right._

. . .

Tonight was one of Taehyun’s long, stressful nights in the hospital. In hindsight he _did_ promise he was going over to The Onyx after his seemingly never-ending shift.

Beomgyu was sat on the chair near the bar counter, elbows propped on the long table as he watched their bartender mixing drinks like the skill ran through his bloodstream. 

The bartender placed Beomgyu’s drink in front of him with a _clink._ He took the Martini glassware in between his fingers, and drank. 

“That’s your sixth, Beomgyu,” the bartender reminded, shaking his head. Beomgyu had never drank this much before. Well, before Yeonjun’s death at least. The elder would usually ground him and tell him that two’s enough when he wants fun, three’s enough when you’re tired, and five’s enough when you want to forget a heartbreak. 

“San, I appreciate your concern, but this won’t kill me.”

“It’ll butcher your liver, though. Ask your boyfriend I’m sure he knows all about how alcohol can--”

“Says the bartender,” he shot back. San rolled his eyes, turning his back and reaching for the next orders he had to mix. 

His phone vibrated from his back pocket.

 _Taehyun <3 : _Hyung? I’m almost done, check up on Soobin-hyung for me?

Beomgyu typed out a reply, who was he to refuse Taehyun of a simple request?

He stood, leaving the half-consumed glass on the counter as he walked past the other drunk-out-of-their-wits Pumas and made his way towards the lounge. At the far end of the lounge was a narrow staircase which led to some bedrooms. 

Although some Pumas would prefer having their own house, some simply don’t have anywhere to call their home. Beomgyu was one of those people, his room was right next to Yeonjun’s. That being said, Beomgyu went up the narrow staircase and went straight to his hyung’s room. 

Pasted on Yeonjun’s door was a poorly-scribbled _‘Do Not Enter’_ sign. Yeonjun used to think it’d make him more intimidating, hence scaring people out and away from his private quarters. And it did, but during the first days when he began dating Soobin…, the sign didn’t stop the stubborn boy from doing the opposite of what the warning sign said. 

Beomgyu would laugh at how easily Soobin saw through that façade and just _entered_ Yeonjun’s room. He did not want to go into the specifics of what ensued after his hyung saw Soobin sleeping on his bed like the room was his. (Or so _that_ was how it went, he heard the story from Yeonjun’s hyperbolical mouth, after all. Of course he was skeptical about most things.)

Beomgyu raised his hand to knock on the wooden door.

He heard a groan from the inside. 

“Soobin-hyung? It’s me, Beomgyu.” He waited for a few minutes before he heard shuffling, and the satisfying click of the lock coming loose. 

He was now face-to-face with Soobin, who had dark bags under his eyes, hair tousled beyond neatness. Beomgyu invited himself in, much to Soobin’s dismay. 

“It still looks like he’s never left,” Beomgyu began, feeling like he’d been hit by a brick of nostalgia. The room was still as messy as ever, pillows and sheets strewn all over the four-cornered place. It still smelled of mint. There was still a discarded pint of mint chocolate ice cream on the floor.

“I’d like to think he never did,” Soobin says in a sigh, and Beomgyu’s heart aches. 

When Yeonjun passed, Beomgyu clung onto Taehyun for support. He had Taehyun, the Pumas, and the memory of Yeonjun saying, _“I will haunt you for eternity if you let my passing change your life, Gyu. I swear to god I will wake you up in the ungodly hours of the night just to make you scream--”_

But Soobin, he couldn’t even stomach going to his own house since every nook and cranny of the place reminded him of Kai, which would cause him to spiral into self-blame yet again.

Beomgyu hadn’t exactly gotten over Yeonjun. The guy treated Beomgyu like he was family, it was extremely hard to convince oneself that the person who’s been the kindest to you had crossed over. But he’s accepted the fact that he’s gone and never coming back. Beomgyu had to focus on who was _still alive._

“You have to accept it though, hyung…” he trailed off, “It’s been five months. It’s almost like you’re isolating yourself from the world. That doctor Namjoon is so generous to give you a leave _this_ long.”

“Yeah. He talked to me over the phone earlier. I’m going back to work tomorrow.” 

“You’re lucky you’re one of the best doctors in that hospital, you know?”

Soobin’s eyes darted to the floor, despite his height, he felt small. “Yeah.” _Best doctor. Can’t even save Kai. Can’t even do anything for Yeonjun._

“Hyung this can’t be healthy for you.”

“I just miss him, Gyu. Could you really blame me for that? I just… I couldn't sleep in my home. I… can _feel_ Yeonjun here… it’s comforting.”

No, it was concerning. Beomgyu wanted to argue with Soobin, but he had no more energy to do so, besides the alcohol was clouding his brain, he couldn’t trust his own words.

“I promise I’m going to resume my life tomorrow. Don’t worry about me.”

“Taehyun is the worried one,” he reasoned, “I trust you, hyung.”

Soobin gave him a smile as he weakly crawled back onto the bed, wrapping himself in Yeonjun’s sheets… which haven’t been changed in five months… but people coped in various ways. Who was he to judge?

“Okay,” he dismissed, guessing Soobin was quite tired, “Goodnight, hyung.”

Beomgyu exited the room, doing Soobin a favor and switching the lights off.

. . .

_Beomgyu glanced at his watch, 5pm. It’s been a few hours since he’d met Taehyun, and the boy hasn’t gotten out of his mind for the entire time. The younger had left, saying he had to attend to Mrs Lee._

_Beomgyu had asked Taehyun if he’d like to go out with him sometime, and the younger had refused. Beomgyu had anticipated it of course, Taehyun couldn’t just trust him easily. He’d have to earn that._

_And Beomgyu will._

_Which is why he’s decided to keep baring his soul to Taehyun-- it wasn’t like he could help it anyway. The elder was usually a secretive person, especially when it came to the gang and his past, but saying those things to Taehyun was like lifting a burden off his shoulders._

_Taehyun’s earned the puma’s trust from the moment he came crashing into his arms._

_But Beomgyu had a few fears, because there was this one thing he couldn’t bring himself to tell._

_His Yeonjun-hyung was still asleep in his hospital room, Beomgyu could only hope it wasn’t anything serious. He had to get his mind off things-- especially since he was prone to overthinking…, and the possibilities he’s thought of… they aren’t exactly comforting._

_The first person who came to mind was Taehyun._

_Only, he had no idea where the boy could be. That’s why he settled for walking around the hallways again, until he reached the cafeteria-- and saw the familiar mop of blonde hair talking to someone-- Soobin._

_Beomgyu must’ve been caught staring through the glass mirrors, because Taehyun paused and waved at him, the edges of his lips tugging up into a smile. He muttered something to Soobin, something that sounded like, “Oh hyung, got to go,” if Beomgyu had read his lips right. He totally wasn’t using lip-reading as an excuse to stare at Taehyun, he wasn’t._

_Taehyun approached him, white coat wrapped over his arm. The doctor wore a simple t-shirt tucked into his jeans as he walked up to Beomgyu, leaving behind a very confused Soobin, who gave a smile and a nod back as he proceeded to eat on his own._

_“Hey,” Taehyun greeted, taking Beomgyu’s eyes away from where he was once… unintentionally staring at the younger’s defined collarbones._

_“Hey,” Beomgyu said back, voice warm, mouth tugging up into an unsuppressed grin._

_“Why are you here?” Taehyun asked, already pulling Beomgyu away from the cafeteria._

_“I should be asking the same thing to you,” Beomgyu replied as he followed the doctor._

_“Huh?”_

_“Oh, uhm… you left your friend.”_

_“What was I supposed to do?” Taehyun slowed his walking, “You were the one staring at me like a lost puppy.”_

_Beomgyu sputtered, “I-- what? No I wasn’t?”_

_Taehyun dismissed his weak defense with a nod of his head._

_“So why were you staring at me like a lost puppy, hyung?” Taehyun repeated, squinting his eyes suspiciously at the elder._

_“I… have no reason.” Beomgyu admitted, cheeks turning pink, hoping that Taehyun wouldn’t notice. And if Taeyun had noticed it, he made no move to make him know._

_“Well I do,” Taehyun said, pushing through one of the doors that led to a downwards staircase._

_“Where are we going?” Beomgyu asked, following the doctor descend the staircase nonetheless. Taehyun could take him anywhere, and he wouldn’t really mind. But he just had to ask, to at least have a heads up if Taehyun had the intention of taking him to a morgue or something._

_“The locker room,” Taehyun replied, “I just need to leave my coat and change out of my clothes.”_

_“Why? Isn’t your shift like,” Beomgyu caught up to him, taking two steps at a time until they reached the locker room-- which was indeed, a room of lockers, “Until tonight? It’s barely even six pm.”_

_Taehyun took out the key to his locker, chucking his coat inside and peering over at Beomgyu through his locker’s door, “You’re a puma, right?”_

_“I don’t see how that’s relevant.”_

_“Can you get me out of here?”_

_“Uh…, why? Isn’t that against your work etiquette?”_

_“Fuck work,” Taehyun cursed, making Beomgyu’s ears perk up, “It gets tiring sometimes… and I just… need a break, hyung. Besides,” Taehyun dug deeper into his locker and took out a striped shirt and denim jacket, “It’s my day off tomorrow. They wouldn’t even bother to give me a warning for going out. They’re too busy for that.”_

_“But--” Beomgyu stared wide-eyed at Taehyun as the younger pulled off his shirt over his head. Beomgyu gulped._

_“But what, hyung?” Taehyun asked, raising an eyebrow, totally unaware of how Beomgyu’s brain had malfunctioned. Until it dawned on him, “Like what you see?”_

_“No!” Beomgyu retorted, “I mean yes-- I mean, not like like, I-- it’s not bad but--” Beomgyu took in a deep breath and spun around, focusing his eyes on the things that matter more than Taehyun’s abs-- like the color-coded emergency escape plan hung on the door._

_“You can look now,” Taehyun said after fifty-one agonizing seconds, yes he counted._

_Beomgyu had no idea why he had reacted like that, he shouldn’t have. Taehyun probably thought he was a weirdo now, for freaking out over seeing him shirtless-- it was a normal thing for men to be seen like that after all._

_Taehyun pretended as if he hadn’t witnessed Beomgyu gay panic over him-- or maybe he didn’t pretend. Perhaps, Taehyun was too dense to see that Beomgyu had been royally whipped for him after meeting him mere hours ago._

_But there was something about Taehyun that made him feel like he’s known the guy from the very beginning._

_“So… where’d you wanna go?”_

_“Do you know a place?”_

_Beomgyu only knew one place, “What about the Onyx? We could karaoke all night-- the drinks there are good too.” He really wasn’t expecting Taehyun to say yes. Taehyun didn’t, but it didn’t sadden Beomgyu all that much since he knew it would take a few more days or even months to make the younger comfortable enough to go there._

_“Uhm, sorry… maybe not yet?” he declined softly, “I don’t… I guess I just don’t want to walk in a den of strangers...”_

_“Aren’t I a stranger?” If Taehyun had replied differently, Beomgyu would’ve regretted asking this question, but his reply only made Beomgyu adore him all the more._

_“I don’t know them, hyung.” Taehyun said, “I don’t know them yet. Maybe someday I’ll come around… it’s just, it’s not like we’ve shared conversations, unlike us.”_

_“And I can’t just assume all Pumas are like you.”_

_Beomgyu felt fuzzy all over, but just like Taehyun, he didn’t let it show._

_Everything was happening too soon. Too quickly. But Beomgyu wouldn’t have it any other way._

_“What about… I take you on a ride?” It was another thing too much to ask for someone he’s just met, really he could’ve asked if Taehyun wanted to go watch a movie or something._

_Taehyun’s smile afterward pushed all his worries away._

_“Let’s go on a ride, hyung.”_

_. . ._

_Taehyun <3: _Hyung, I’m on my way. Kinda tired though. Might go straight to sleep.

 _Beommie:_ Sure, drive safely.

Beomgyu tucked his phone back into his pocket, retiring to his room for the night. He took his guitar, which was conveniently already on his bed, and began to strum a tune while waiting for Taehyun.

. . .

_“There, that isn’t so bad now, is it?” Beomgyu huffed, playful smirk at his lips. He had convinced Taehyun to get on the motorbike, their position as if Taehyun was giving the elder a back hug._

_“Why can’t I just lean or something--”_

_“We’d lose our balance, and if we wanna ride fast, you better balance this thing along with me,” Beomgyu reasoned._

_“Fine,” Taehyun said in defeat. He never wanted to argue with Beomgyu for too long, since he values his time with the guy more than their endless bickering. Not that Taehyun would ever admit that, since it was unnatural to act like that with someone he’s just met. He pressed himself onto the back of Beomgyu’s leather jacket._

_“Hang on, Taehyun-ah. I go fast,” Beomgyu said, breath hitching when he felt Taehyun’s arms tighter around his torso. The engine revved to life._

_Taehyun felt the motorbike pick up its speed as he clenched his eyes closed, the speed was too overwhelming-- and it was only going faster._

_“Taehyun-ah?” Beomgyu called. Taehyun hummed in reply._

_“Open your eyes, enjoy it! Live a little!” With his free hand, he held Taehyun’s, which were clasped together, grip unrelenting in fear that he might topple off._

_Taehyun’s grip only tightened, Beomgyu could almost feel the younger’s quick heartbeat. “Drive with both hands you dummy,” He closed his eyes tighter, feeling the motorbike swerve off balance for a split second. Beomgyu grumbled, “Okay, okay,” he said, driving with both hands again, making the ride more stable._

_Beomgyu intentionally slowed down, “Open your eyes now?”_

_The ride was smoother, and Taehyun willed his eyes open, vision adjusting to his surroundings. The streets were empty, trees were as green as ever, and the wind that hit his face was almost comforting._

_“See? It’s nice isn’t it?” Beomgyu sighed, “I’m going faster now--”_

_“Wha-- no-- Hyung!” Taehyun’s eyes widened when the engine revved yet again. The trees were reduced into blurry lines at the speed Beomgyu was going at._

_“Hyung slow down!” But Beomgyu only went faster, arms flexing as he clutched the handlebars._

_Taehyun could barely feel himself now, his chin on Beomgyu’s shoulder, too close to the elder’s face, and maybe that’s exactly why Beomgyu continued to ride at a speed like this-- at a speed so fast, that Taehyun was afraid to let go._

_“Hyung the light was red!” Taehyun yelled, the wind blending with the noise of the motor’s engine still louder than his voice._

_“And you should still be at work, you don’t get to call me out for the small illegal things I do!” He yelled back, Taehyun hearing him loud and clear since he was so closely attached to the elder._

_A few moments later, another motorcycle caught up to them, their speeds neck on neck._

_It was Seonghwa-- as usual, always trying to beat Beomgyu. Saying that speed was all about the skill, not the model of the motorbike. When Beomgyu saw that Seonghwa sped past him like lightning, he held Taehyun’s hands again._

_“I’m going faster-- this fucker won’t admit I’m the fastest.” Beomgyu let out a chuckle, and Taehyun guessed the said guy wasn’t a threat-- well, aside from being the catalyst to Beomgyu’s competitiveness that is._

_He didn’t let Taehyun reply, so the younger complained instead, “Why the hell does he have a helmet and we don’t?!”_

_“Long story short, there’s an overly protective Puma at home who would rage over something as petty as Seonghwa-hyung riding without his safety gear. Slows him down in my opinion. Why, you scared we’re gonna fall off and crack our heads open?” His voice was loud, hair flying all over the place, forehead exposed and creased in concentration as he pushed the motorbike to its limit, catching up to Seonghwa._

_“Now that you mentioned it, yes I am!” Taehyun squealed, but the idea didn’t really bother him that much, in fact, he was smiling as the adrenaline thrummed through his veins._

_“Trust me, I won’t let you get hurt,” Beomgyu said, failing to realize how the wind has totally muffled what he’d said._

_“Yeah right, he’s speeding away, hyung! Why are you slowing down!” It probably wasn’t a good idea, but Taehyun lightly kicked Beomgyu’s foot anyway._

_Beomgyu raised an eyebrow, “You sure about that?”_

_“Yes because there’s no way I’m letting my pride go to waste-- I couldn’t have chosen the lesser puma, right?”_

_“Oh, Taehyun-ah,” Beomgyu said, shaking his head and eyeing the blurred figure of Seonghwa’s motor, “You made the right choice.”_

_. . ._

_Taehyun <3: _I’m here hyung, where are u?

Beomgyu’s phone buzzed and illuminated his dark room. Beomgyu had fallen asleep, guitar on the floor, and his face on his pillow.

 _Taehyun <3: _Kook hyung’s challenging me to a high-note duel, but I’m really not in the mood

 _Taehyun <3: _I’m going to ur room, better let me in, m not rlly in the mood to get drunk tonight

Inside, Beomgyu was snoring, too deep into his slumber to bother with checking why his phone vibrated thrice in a row. He heard three knocks from the door.

“Gyu, hyung?”

“Door’s open,” he said, muffled by the blanket and bolster he hugged close to his form. 

The door clicked, and at his doorframe was Kang Taehyun, satchel slung over his shoulder. 

“Close the door,” he huffed, facing himself away from the door in an attempt to get away from the booming music and loud singing from downstairs, which he guessed were from Jungkook. 

Taehyun invited himself in and sat on the edge of Beomgyu’s bed.

“Why’re you ‘ere?” the elder asked, striving to get a hold of his tongue to form comprehensible words. He needed to sleep, but Taehyun was right there.

“I’ve been coming here for the last five months, still not used to seeing me here?”

“Mh,” Beomgyu directed his gaze to Taehyun now, realizing that the boy had also turned on the light, “You always go and sleep in Yeonjun-hyung’s room though, he has an extra mattress there.” Beomgyu inwardly cringed, how had Taehyun endured sleeping on Yeonjun’s extra floor mattress? 

“Yeah, I checked. Soobin hyung is asleep as a log, and the mattress isn’t there. Even if it is, I wouldn’t be able to pull it from under the bed without waking him up. If someone needs sleep, it would be him.”

“And you,” Beomgyu stated. True, Taehyun has been working his ass off, maybe he was making up for Soobin’s absence just to prove to Namjoon that they didn’t need another doctor to take Soobin’s place; that soon, Soobin would be back to work.

“I know.”

“Then why aren’t you in your apartment?”

“Hyung, are you kicking me out?”

“No!” Beomgyu was awake now, “Of course not.”

“Good,” Taehyun laid down next to Beomgyu, taking the bolster out of the way and throwing it next to the guitar. “Because I don’t have an apartment anymore.”

The peach scent, there it was again.

“ _What?_ ” Beomgyu snapped his gaze towards the younger in shock. 

“I’ve been staying here for months, even my things already have a place here.” Taehyun faced Beomgyu, seriousness strewn all over his face. He wasn’t kidding. “I talked about it to Kook and Hongjoong hyung.”

“And… what did they say?”

“That I can stay here,’specially since I’m here almost everyday. Have no plans of being… part of the gang though,” he said, voice hushed, a few inches away from Beomgyu’s face. “They said you wouldn’t mind.”

That didn’t sound like Hongjoong, he’d usually initiate people first before letting them move in. However, it was plausible that Taehyun had charmed his way into making Hongjoong say yes. 

“Hyung?” Taehyun began to worry when the elder didn’t respond. What if Beomgyu wouldn’t let him stay?

Instead of giving a verbal reply, Beomgyu threw his arms around Taehyun, one leg hooking around Taehyun’s as he rested his head in the crook of Taehyun’s neck. 

The elder hummed, “You’re better a pillow than my bolster.”

Taehyun adjusted himself to fit better in Beomgyu’s arms, reciprocating the other’s embrace as their foreheads touched. Taehyun’s warmth was comforting, and Beomgyu yearned for more. He always had, he was just much of a coward to do so-- but it wasn’t like they haven’t kissed yet. 

They’ve shared a couple of drunk makeouts that Taehyun would never mention in the morning. He may have confessed with his heart on his sleeve to the younger countless times, but his memories were always too hazy to remember what had ensued after.

But Taehyun’s trust in him seemed to strengthen when Yeonjun passed. He would willingly bare his soul and even stay up all night just chatting to Beomgyu to get his mind off his grief, even just for a moment. The younger really was a big help in those moments-- he uplifted Beomgyu’s spirits whenever Beomgyu missed Yeonjun.

Amidst Beomgyu’s muddled thinking, a few words escaped his mouth, “What are we, Taehyun?”

It was past midnight, it was the prime time of Beomgyu letting his guard down. It was the time when his sleepiness mixed with reality and he didn’t know whether he was awake or asleep-- it was the time when, for once, he wasn’t afraid of what would happen next.

Taehyun’s constant breathing seemed to hitch at that, but they both remained unmoving.

What were they? Friends? Casual lovers? Friends with benefits? Beomgyu itched to know, to _finally_ have something to call the shitstorm of emotions that he felt whenever he was with Taehyun. 

“You told me you loved me last month. But you drank a couple of shots,and so did I. I pretended to forget about it because you probably didn’t mean it.”

Beomgyu didn’t even flinch, he was in the state of in-between afterall. Too tired to let other feelings soar through him-- feelings other than comfort, drowsiness, and… infinite care for the person in his arms.

“I meant it.”

“You remember?”

. . .

_“Happy birthday, hyung.”_

_“That’s the,” Beomgyu drunkenly raised his fingers, counting, voice slurred, “Ninth time you’ve said that?”_

_“I can say it all I want,” Taehyun was half sober, eyes watering at the edges, head throbbing numbly since he’d just sang three songs in a row. “You should be thankful, hyung.”_

_“Oh I am. Very thankful, that you even came here, actually. Thought you’d never visit the Onyx. I’m just very happy that my home…,” he sighed, “Is in my house...” That didn’t come out as he expected it to._

_Taehyun laughed, “Huh, funny symbolism.”_

_“No, no that’s… that’s maybe not what I meant… I… Iloveyou--”_

_Beomgyu didn’t know how it happened, but as soon as their hazy eyes met, so did their lips. They began to dance to the rhythm of the thrumming of their hearts, the loud bass of the song someone was singing only amplifying it, beating along with them._

. . .

“Yeah, I remember,” the elder said.

Taehyun looked at Beomgyu through his tousled fringe, the elder laughing quietly at the recollection of one of his best memories. For so long, they’ve only been stealing glances at each other, and maybe, even just for tonight, both of them were willing to hold each other without inhibitions.

Taehyun caressed Beomgyu’s cheek, the elder having a hard time to accept this really was happening. Taehyun shuffled impossibly closer to the elder and planted his lips on Beomgyu’s. A simple, soft kiss that held uncountable amounts of emotion. 

Taehyun pulled away, Beomgyu’s mouth agape as Taehyun admired the dumbstruck boy under him. “Friends don’t kiss each other like that.”

The elder held Taehyun like he had no intention of letting him go. Not now that he was already here. 

“So… can I stay here?” Taehyun asked again, fingers lazily threading over Beomgyu’s black hair. The puma was trapped under Taehyun’s gaze. Maybe Taehyun knew some sort of black magic to make him say yes, he looked like someone who would bewitch someone with their attractiveness to get his way. 

But Beomgyu didn’t have to be under the influence of magic.

You see, he didn’t exactly answer. Because if he were to ask himself, he wouldn’t know better. If he were to disregard all his fears, then he would let him stay. But the fears, they wouldn’t leave, they’d always be there, lurking like demons at the back of his head.

He couldn’t give the boy a definite answer.

So, he pulled Taehyun down, catching his lips in a searing kiss instead. It felt surreal, now that they were both sober. Sleepy, but sober-- with no excuses of blaming their actions on alcohol. 

Huffs of breath from Taehyun that Beomgyu couldn’t get enough of,the raw taste of Taehyun in Beomgyu’s mouth, without the strong scent of booze, this was fully him. 

It was addicting, Beomgyu didn’t want to stop-- he was mostly too tired to push the other away. It was them in their truest form, previous boundaries discarded like candy wrappers, finally having the privilege to bask in each other’s sweet, sweet company. 

. . .

Later that night, when The Onyx was asleep and Jungkook’s singing had died down, the two warmed themselves under Beomgyu’s sheets. Beomgyu played with Taehyun’s hair, which was now warmer and stuck onto his forehead, but the elder didn’t care. Taehyun relaxed against Beomgyu’s touch. At least Taehyun let himself rest now, the elder’s fingers that carded along his locks lulling him to sleep while he cuddled him close enough that they didn’t know whose limb was whose. 

“I saved a life tonight, hyung.” Taehyun managed to say, carefully whispering the words using the remnants of strength he could muster before giving in to his body’s desire to block out the rest of the world and sleep.

Before Beomgyu could silently congratulate him, Taehyun continued the rest of his sentence, “But I also lost a patient. She… she was too pure for this world… I could ‘ve done something.”

“You’ve done everything you could, I’m sure.”

“I don’t want to fall asleep, hyung,” Taehyun huffs a breath, “I don’t want to have nightmares of people I couldn’t save.”

“Is that why you overwork yourself? So you’d fall deeper into sleep and block out your dreams? You’re just like Soobin-hyung, then. Better stop calling him out for something you’re guilty of doing too.”

Taehyun hummed with a slight nod of his head, “I just think that..., maybe if I help cure more people… maybe their lives would compensate for the ones I lost.”

Beomgyu didn’t know what to reply to that, he had no idea of how intensely Taehyun tried to fend off the guilt from consuming him.

“I can’t... see her face hyung, I just… I don’t want to.” Taehyun’s eyes began to water.

“Then you don’t have to,” Beomgyu whispered. Sincerely, “Hyung is right here. You’ve helped a lot of people… You’ve even saved me, Taehyun. You’re a miracle worker.”

Taehyun chuckled at that, “All I did was to patch you up after you fell down the stairs.”

“I’m not talking about that. You saved me,” Beomgyu held Taehyun closer, leaving ghosts of soft touches along the line of Taehyun’s back, touches threading through the younger’s soft locks, “You saved me in more ways than one.”

There was a pause.

“And I love you so, so much because of it.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really. I promise.” 

He held Taehyun tighter, “Sleep now, Hyung will take care of you.”

Then, there it was again. The _fear._ The doubt of having given an empty vow. Beomgyu placed a chaste kiss on the younger’s forehead.

Taehyun chuckled, totally unaware of the weight of what Beomgyu had just said. “And I’ll take care of your poor battered liver, hyung.”

And for once, Taehyun found the courage to sleep through his nightmare.

. . .

Beomgyu awoke to a beautiful sight.

The younger was still in his arms, mouth closed, still kissable. Beomgyu laughed lightly to himself. He was so, undoubtedly gone for this boy. His honey skin stood out in soft contrast with Beomgyu’s fairer complexion where his arm was slung over the elder’s torso. Beomgyu slowly pulled away from Taehyun, careful to avoid waking him up. 

The bed creaked and Taehyun groaned, but didn’t do any move to show signs of rising from his comfortable position. 

Beomgyu ambled towards his windows to open the curtains and let the sunlight in. He almost tripped, thanks to his cluttered and unkempt floors. Now, he realized he must maintain a neat room for it to be a safe environment for Taehyun… the neat freak. His neat freak.

It was Taehyun’s day off, Namjoon had laid back with his schedules since Soobin was due to return to work that day. Hopefully, he’d still be the same functional doctor as before, but he had strong faith in Soobin. Sure, he’d been slacking, but two of the most important souls in his life had been ripped away from him without warning, this behavior of his was understandable. 

“Hyung?” Came Taehyun’s voice once Beomgyu had fully pushed the curtains to the side, giving them a view of the busy city… well it was mostly a view of the tall skyscrapers and buildings of Seoul. 

Beomgyu turned towards Taehyun, the sun’s rays touching Taehyun’s face, a yellow glow littering his skin. This was a better sight than what his window provided him. 

“What time is it?” Taehyun said, stretching his arms above his head, the blanket riding down, revealing more of the youngest chest.

“It’s eleven thirty--”

“ _What?_ ” Taehyun shot up completely removing the blanket from himself as he muttered a rushed, “ _Shit, I’m gonna be late._ ” Completely forgetting that he was half-naked underneath. And sure, Beomgyu’s seen this, but it seemed to affect his senses all the more thanks to the sultry gleam of the morning sun on the younger’s back.

“Clothes,” Taehyun muttered, “Where the fuck are my clothes?” Taehyun lifted the pillows, sheets, and even looked under the bed. Trust him, Beomgyu really did try to ignore the fact that Taehyun was only in his boxers, ignored the warmth that crept up to him, surely that was just the sun’s heat through the windows right?

“Taehyun-ah,it’s your day off,” Beomgyu reminded him, Taehyun visibly relaxing at that. “Ah, right.” He let go of the clothes he’d gathered in his hands and fell back down onto the bed, but before he could pull the sheets up, the elder climbed in with him, wrapping his arms around the younger for the nth time.

Taehyun turned to Beomgyu, and as soon as he did, he felt warm lips press onto his, and then giving a few light pecks onto his cheeks. Taehyun mewled, he might as well have fallen back to sleep. Eventually, Beomgyu settled for keeping himself close to the other boy, tip of his nose resting against the other’s cheek. 

Taehyun took the chance to brush his lips against the elder’s. “I see the bolster kisses back,” Beomgyu joked, smiling when he finally got the attention he wanted. Taehyun wanted more of the kiss, but before he could, his eyes caught sight of a scar on Beomgyu’s arm, right above his elbow. 

He gently pushed Beomgyu away, the other whining like a kicked puppy at that. 

“Hyung...” upon further observation, Taehyun recognized the scar as a gunshot mark. He sat up and grabbed the elder’s arm, twisting it in a way that gave him a good view of it.

“Hey, ow--” Beomgyu said, but Taehyun didn’t really care if the position gave Beomgyu a slight discomfort. The scar seemed old anyway. 

“What happened here?” Taehyun asked, concerned. He knew the Pumas got themselves into danger often, but he didn’t think Beomgyu would actually get shot. 

Beomgyu loved wearing long sleeved shirts, and today was one of the rare occurrences when he decided to wear a simple tee that covered only half of his upper arm. 

“Don’t worry, I got into an accident a few years ago. That’s all. It’s fine now.”

“I didn’t ask if it still hurts. I asked what happened, hyung.”

Beomgyu looked at Taehyun, not that he wasn’t earlier, but he really _looked_ at Taehyun. Seeing the concern swimming deep in his eyes, and a frown on his lips. 

“I’m a reckless person, Taehyun-ah.”

“And maybe that’s why we met,” he took Taehyun’s hand away from his scar and planted a kiss on his knuckles, “Because I’d always get myself in trouble, and you’d be there to patch me up, Doc.”

They were a perfect match. But really, Beomgyu was just being a sap.

“You’d just keep saving me, in more ways than one. More ways than two, more ways than three--”

Taehyun shot forward and shut Beomgyu up with a kiss. “You’re not making sense anymore, but I understand what you mean. Hm, weird.”

The younger lets himself fall atop Beomgyu, intertwining their hands across the elder’s chest.

“But really, what happened?”

“Like I said, it was only an accident. We played rough when I was younger. Someone was teaching me how to handle a gun, a companion of theirs accidentally fired it at me because I was being too rowdy and jumped right in front of the line of fire,” Beomgyu let out a fake chuckle. 

That wasn’t how he got the scar at all. 

“How are you even still alive?” Taehyun asked, letting his eyelids fall closed. Beomgyu didn’t reply to that, he just squeezed Taehyun’s hand in his. 

Because he didn’t know. He didn’t know why he was still alive, didn’t know what his purpose was, didn’t know when all this euphoria would eventually die down. And maybe he didn’t want to know-- because his life was the most inconsistent thing in existence. One wrong move could change how the rest of it unfolds.

But being with Taehyun at that given moment, it only felt right.

. . .

Soobin should’ve just gone to work.

Though, no one could blame him for wanting to bring a piece of Yeonjun to work with him, especially after the tragedy, with Soobin staying in his room for months. He would likely have separation anxiety if he were to leave on his own. 

He should’ve just taken one of Yeonjun’s many chains or earrings,or Fed but _no._ He just _had_ to ransack through Yeonjun’s drawers to find something sentimental, when he stumbled upon a flashdrive. Why would Yeonjun have that? And why would he keep it in such a hidden place? Taped to the top of the drawers that were filled with his accessories. 

Yeonjun didn’t even have a laptop. 

If he hadn’t tried to reach for Yeonjun’s onyx studs (he had the intention of wearing it to work) he wouldn’t have felt the sharp uncovered tip of the flashdrive scratch the back of his hand.

Naturally, he took it and plugged it into his own device. He expected some pictures of them, or stolen photographs from Yeonjun from when he was drunk out of his mind back in the day. 

He didn’t find any of those in the drive.

Folder: INKSTR.SEC

Soobin’s mouse pointer hovered over the single folder in the drive. He clicked, anticipating a few documents inside, when his laptop’s screen went black all of a sudden.

“What the...” Soobin breathed, clicking on his mouth repeatedly in the hopes of reviving his computer. When his screen worked again, he found a single .mp4 file inside.

CHOI.MP4

Soobin clicked, failing to see the small thumbnail of the video.

The video began to play after a few seconds of executing the command. Soobin waited, the video was already playing, with the first few seconds of the video being a black screen. A few seconds later, the screen showed a recording of what looked like a night-cam recording. 

It was dark and everything was tinted green, thanks to the night vision from the camera. 

The camera zoomed in to two people inside the room… and even through the low-qual lenses, Soobin could see who it was.

Faces bruised and bloodied, looking straight at the camera, was Yeonjun’s father. He was young at the time, around his mid-30s, and Soobin wanted to break down in tears. It felt like he was looking at an older version of Yeonjun himself-- minus the dyed hair and playful youth. 

“Killing your wife simply isn’t enough warning for you is it, Yeonjin?” A voice behind the camera came.

Soobin’s eyebrows creased, killing his wife? But Yeonjun told him his mother had died giving birth to him…

“Would you want us to come after your son too?” The other voice provoked, but Yeonjin kept himself composed, calm through swollen eyes and blood that trickled down his chin. 

“No,” he answered weakly, “No. Not my son, please. He’s… he’s just a kid… he’s not involved in any of this...”

Soobin’s hair bristled on his skin when he heard the clicking of a gun. He wanted to click out of the video, but he couldn’t. His eyes were glued on the screen. Yeonjin’s blank eyes stared into the camera as the pistol was aimed at his head. 

“I told you not to meddle with our affairs, but you were relentless. Digging up our shit to make you seem clean and innocent. We trusted you. But apparently, all you wanted from us was proof so that the government could give you your reward money, or maybe get your wife into higher ranks in the offices.”

Yeonjin seemed to have resigned himself to his fate. “Please don’t harm my son.” 

“Okay, we’ll grant you that. We will leave your son alone. Only if he leaves us alone too.”

Yeonjun’s father closed his eyes and nodded, the head of the pistol cold over his skin. 

The screen went black.

. . .

_Bang!_

. . .

“The Strays are associated with the biggest drug cartels,” Beomgyu explained to Soobin like he _wasn’t_ in fact dropping a bomb on Soobin. 

“And they want to protect that secret as much as possible, it’s basically what feeds them, and gets them immunity from getting imprisoned,” Jungkook added. 

Both Taehyun and Soobin sat with their curious eyes, trying to absorb every piece of information. 

“So when… Yeonjun’s father,” Beomgyu subconsciously bowed his head down at the mention of his name,”Found out about that… he joined the Strays. They trusted him…, so much. But Yeonjun’s father was keen on purging the world from people like that. So after the Strays spilled their secrets to him, he fled with the intention of telling the authorities… but he never got close.”

“The fucking Strays are killers. Curse those higher-ups who let them possess guns illegally, and get away with it,” Jungkook was getting riled up and it shows. 

“And… then that same night, Yeonjin came home to see his wife bleeding out. Yeonjun-hyung said he was in a friend’s house that night. He’d been having a sleepover when all that shit happened. It was like all he ever knew was taken from him in a blink of an eye… ” Beomgyu continued, noting how the eldest in the room was close to lashing out completely.

“Just like mine was,” Jungkook mumbled in spite, tears beading up in his eyes, “I wanted to fucking sue them for shooting the one person that mattered the most to me, but their _goddamn_ affiliations keep covering everything up!”

Soobin spoke up, “Hyung… what are you saying?”

At this point, Beomgyu shook his head. He had thrown his promise to Yeonjun out the window. It was bound for Soobin to find out anyway… but this was exactly what Yeonjun was avoiding.

“Taehyung… he… he was looking for me. Because for some damn reason I was idiotic enough to hide The Onyx from him, thinking that it would be safer for him-- so he got himself into the Strays’ place instead. They thought he was a spy. A goddamned spy! How could someone looking _like Taehyung,_ be a fucking spy!?” Jungkook wasn’t crying, but his heart was. It has been so long since it happened, but recalling what had happened only re-opened the wound. 

“They, they shot him without a single thought. Like he was some kind of cattle-- oh god…,” Jungkook slumped on the table to support himself. 

“Hyung, it’s… let it out,” Beomgyu said, eyes still trained on the floor.

“I… it was my fault… his death, it’s all on me. And I never even did anything about it. Ah,” Jungkook blinked the tears away, “This isn’t about me. ‘m sorry.”

He cleared his throat, “Yeonjun had asked us to keep this secret from you, Soobin-hyung,” Beomgyu supplied. 

“He lied to me, Yeonjun lied to me, he should’ve told me this--” Soobin rambled.

“Hyung, you’re being irrational now. He was clearly just trying to protect you. The more you know, the more danger that knowledge would bring.”

“The Strays were literally chasing me the night of my initiation-- _how was I ever fully safe?_ ” Soobin reasoned, slightly hurt by the fact that Yeonjun didn’t tell him how his parents truly passed. 

“That was a game to them. Simple rivalry,” Jungkook said, getting ahold of himself now, “Besides if they were to kill us, it’d be easy to cover it up. But they were never after you. Not after Yeonjun, or Hongjoong-- okay, _maybe_ they were after me...” Jungkook trailed, “...but they kept their word. They didn’t come after Yeonjun after they killed his parents.”

“But when I came to the Pumas… I put a dangling sword of death over their heads,” Beomgyu admitted. Jungkook looked at him with a face of sympathy. “How many times should I tell you that you didn’t?”

“But I did, hyung. They began speculating about everything, thinking that somehow I would expose who they truly are.” Beomgyu gulped, it was going to be a long day, he hoped Soobin’s boss would be okay with him arriving late. “But that was long ago, they’ve stopped now.”

. . .

_Beomgyu raced towards their leader’s room, hoping his pitch black outfit would hide him amidst the dark corridor. “Fuck,” he muttered under his breath when he nearly tripped._

_He should’ve seen the fact that they would wave their guns in the air like toys on a daily basis as the first red flag, but no. He just had to continue living with them and convincing himself that it was fine and tolerable, as long as they didn’t actually kill anyone, or him._

_But this was the last stretch-- because downstairs was a bloodbath… well, was it considered a bloodbath if only one person had been shot?_

_The ruckus downstairs was still loud. Before Beomgyu had decided to make a run for it, he had heard someone accuse their leader, Chris, of being no better than his parents, and that history repeated itself, and that they’d have to go to great lengths to cover up their leader’s fuck-up._

_Who could blame a guy for wanting to flee a crime scene?_

_But Beomgyu wasn’t simply fleeing. He wanted answers. He had to find and retrieve something before he left the Strays for good._

_He remembered Hyunjin, one of the only Strays Beomgyu ever talked to, tell him that there was something Chris hid with his life. Something he protected more than himself, more than anyone else. A flash drive that contained the Strays’ deepest secret from their past generation. Of course, Hyunjin didn’t know where it was, but Beomgyu was keen on finding it tonight. Especially while he and the other Strays were fuzzing over how to hide the body. He wondered why the others weren’t as freaked out as he was._

_Beomgyu really didn’t belong here. Didn’t belong anywhere, especially after his own family had kicked him out simply because they’d caught him smoking in their backyard._

_As he twisted Chris’s door knob open, he quickly dove into a search for the small three-inch drive. It could be anywhere._

_Beomgyu looks, pulling up the carpet and searching its underside to see if, perhaps, Chris had hidden it there. He checked Chris’s book case, even under his bed, everywhere._

_Until Beomgyu’s hand brushed upon a small box, squeezed tightly between the bedframe and the mattress. It was barely there, no one would’ve found it if they weren’t deliberately trying to find it._

_Beomgyu took the rectangular box in his hand, it was small enough to fit in his palm, a code kept it safe and secured. He had found it._

_Suddenly, Beomgyu was aware of the confidential and potentially dangerous contents of the small thing he was holding. His free hand went up to the small gun near his waist, a gift Chris had given him on the night of his initiation._

_He had to run without getting caught. Hopefully he wouldn’t have to use the cold metal weapon against his hip bone._

. . .

“I was the one who found the drive and gave it to Yeonjun-hyung. Once I saw the video with my own eyes… I just knew Yeonjin’s son deserved to know who had killed his father.”

“Did you know Yeonjun-hyung before all this?” Soobin asked, still trying to get a grip on the revelations Beomgyu unfolded with every utterance from his mouth.

“No. Didn’t have a clue of who he was… but I just… had a feeling that he might have been a Puma. Same as the one who was killed the night I ran.”

“Taehyung’s not… a Puma,” Jungkook said, only for Beomgyu to rebut, “I know, I know. But he was wearing a Puma’s jacket, most probably yours.” _That was probably why they thought he was a spy, even I thought he was a Puma,_ Beomgyu wanted to add, but decided against it. 

“They always think Yeonjun has an ulterior motive. They thought Yeonjun had asked Taehyung to eavesdrop or something… which he did _not._ He told me he was too preoccupied stalking a student named Choi Soobin to as much as _think_ of having business with the Strays,” Beomgyu said, voice faltering at the last half of his sentence. 

“But… you’re okay...” Taehyun said, filtering out the other details of Beomgyu’s story and zeroing on the dangers Beomgyu might’ve gone through.

“I came back in one piece, Taehyun. Of course I’m okay,” Beomgyu smiled, and before he could continue his story, Jungkook casted him a glance, as if to ask, ‘ _Are you really?_ ’

And honestly, Beomgyu didn’t want to dwell on it. It’s been a few years, and the Strays have been eerily quiet about what he had done. 

“So,” taehyun attempted to connect the dots, “The Strays are _still_ after this flashdrive?”

Beomgyu gulped, “Yes.”

Again, Jungkook casted him a look, but held himself from questioning what the younger had said. The truth was, the Strays couldn’t give two shits about the flashdrive now. The truth was, they were gunning for Beomgyu. But it seemed like the younger wanted to draw out the truth for as long as possible-- a _bad_ idea, the worst even… but if Jungkook were in his place, he wouldn’t want Taehyun to know either. After all, he wasn’t a Puma. They had no rule, no requirement to disclose everything to the doctor. 

Taehyun looked at Beomgyu in shock. The elder looked back at him, sustaining eye contact. Fine, he would spill. He would tell Taehyun and Soobin everything, only if Taehyun asked. And maybe he’s dreading the next words that would come from Taehyun, but alas only the truth would set him free. 

“Are you… still in danger, hyung?” Taehyun asked, walking toward the elder. 

_Yes. Everyone is. Including you and Soobin-hyung._ “No. Unless the Strays would decide to have a chase with us again,” he joked half-heartedly.

“So… aside from the drive still being here… we have nothing else to worry about?” Taehyun queried, raising an eyebrow.

“Exactly.”

 _‘We won’t have to worry about that drive. Because the Strays are after me,’_ Beomgyu wanted to say, the words climbing his throat like an itch. He coughed. 

“We have nothing else to worry about.”

Taehyun thought about it for a moment, the Strays have been… weirdly MIA nowadays. Maybe Beomgyu was telling the truth.

Taehyun took Beomgyu’s cheeks in his palms, “Okay, hyung. I believe you.”

“Soobin-hyung and I are going to work now,” the younger shot a glare to Soobin, “ _Right, hyung?_ ”

Soobin nodded. But before they can leave, Beomgyu flashed a playful smile, pulling Taehyun back by the arm, “Where’s my goodbye kiss?” he said, putting on his pout that gets Taehyun everytime.

Taehyun pressed his lips onto Beomgyu’s feeling the elder smile against it.

“There, happy?”

“Very happy.”

. . .

“I don’t understand why you couldn’t tell him,” Jungkook ran after Beomgyu after he dismissed both Taehyun and Soobin, being keen on convincing them that it was by a mere chance that Soobin found the drive. Convinced them that it was irrelevant. 

“I mean, he’s staying here, Gyu. He’s staying here like one of us--”

“Why did you let him?” Beomgyu snapped, “You knew the risks, hyung. You knew how--”

“I know how you need someone right now, Gyu. And Taehyun is a better company to you than anyone else. I trust him, you trust him, everyone does. You know how it’s more dangerous for him to be on his own.”

“But he… shouldn’t be here. He has to stay away from me, from us. Especially since he knows the existence of the fucking drive. It’s only a matter of days until he eventually finds out about what I did--” Beomgyu halted his own sentence. He continued.

“And all his trust for me, along with everything else… would be gone.”

“It’s not that I can’t tell him the truth, hyung,” He said, panic lacing his words, “I simply… don’t want to. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him,” Beomgyu reasoned while trying to get away from Jungkook’s questioning. 

“ _Or,”_ Jungkook had his hand on Beomgyu’s wrist now, “It could get him into something worse. The longer they stay silent, the higher the stakes of the danger of their attack.”

“No, there’s no way they would even _know_ who Taehyun is to me. They wouldn’t gun for him.”

“Fine, if they wouldn’t gun for him, what if he gets himself in trouble because of his ignorance? You could’ve told him the truth and prevented that--” Jungkook’s grip was relentless, and now had Beomgyu’s feet frozen on the floor as they argued in the corridor. Both doctors were on their way to the hospital, Taehyun insisting he’d have to come along and drop Soobin off, just in case he decides to bail or run to the cemetery to see Yeonjun in the last minute.

“Not everyone is like Taehyung,” Beomgyu muttered, and that was the last straw for Jungkook.

“Do you think this is what it’s about? Jesus, can’t I be concerned for the guy without _you_ thinking that it’s about Taehyung? History repeats itself, Beomgyu. Fate is like that. Unpredictable, but at the same time foreseeable if we want it to be!”

“Then why didn’t you tell Taehyung about The Onyx? If you know that it would eventually get him killed, huh? Why did you keep him out of this gang shit, did you think it would be safer? Well, flashback, _no it wasn’t._ ”

Beomgyu yanked his arm away from the elder, “You’re right about fate. But you missed a point, hyung. Fate is foreseeable, unpredictable, and random as fuck. It’s not like we can control anything. It’s not like we know for sure what’s waiting for us until we get there.”

“And I don’t want Taehyun to _get there._ I don’t want any of us to get there.”

Tears sprung from Beomgyu’s eyes, and Jungkook thinks he’s gone too far.

“You’re right, hyung. You and Taehyung...” he trailed off, wiping his tears with his sleeve, “You’re different. I shouldn’t be… comparing us. Because you were merely protecting him from the Strays, from the gangs...”

“But I am protecting Taehyun from myself. I don’t want him to think differently of me… once I tell him that… that…,” Beomgyu began to sob, hiccups making his body shake.

Jungkook pulled Beomgyu in by the shoulders, coaxing him to calm down. It was funny how the two most courageous pumas could be driven into a crying fit because of the people they love the most.

“ _I-- I… I’m so fucking--_ ” Beomgyu began to soak Jungkook’s black shirt, fist curling up on the material of clothing at Jungkook’s back. _“I didn’t mean it. I didn’t... ”_

. . . 

_Beomgyu descended down the stairs, nearly tripping and trying his hardest to keep his footsteps to a minimum. His hand was at the railing, he had exited through the fire exit, the soft drizzle of rain dropping onto his skin that wasn’t covered by his black long sleeve._

_Beomgyu eyes his motorcycle, which was inconveniently parked in front of the building’s entrance. How unlucky could he get?_

_How was he supposed to get to his motorcycle without catching any of the Strays’ attention?_

_He debated whether he should just take off by running on foot, or take the risk of taking his motorbike and speeding away. Was he quick enough? Probably not._

_But before he could make up his mind and simply run far away from the scene, he was greeted by a head of long, blond hair. His vision was mostly blurry, thanks for the raindrops that have clouded his eyes, but he knew who it was. Only one of them had locks of that color that reached his neck. Though this time, it wasn’t that neat._

_“Beomgyu!” the guy called out, and Beomgyu panicked. He has been spotted, there was no way he’d get to his motorbike now. He turned and made a run for it, feet plunging into the wet puddles that soaked his shoes, but he could care less. He could only hope that the alleyway he was currently running through didn’t stop at a dead end._

_The gun at his waist was more prominent against him now, heavier even._

_“Beomgyu, where are you going--” the guy was faster apparently. He grabbed Beomgyu’s shoulder, the other boy spinning around, subconsciously placing his free hand on the belt on his hips._

_“Hyunjin, let me go,” Beomgyu said as calmly as possible. Hyunjin wasn’t the worst of the Strays, however he was really close to Chris… Chris, who had just shot someone in the head mere minutes ago._

_“Not until you tell me where you’re going. You know what… what has happened inside. Someone is dead, Beomgyu. You can’t just flee a crime scene like that.”_

_“I’m not fleeing. I’m leaving for good, now let me go,” Beomgyu stepped away from him, stripping himself of his jacket and shoving it into Hyunjin’s hands. “I’m not coming back.”_

_“You know too much now, Beomgyu. You’ve seen more things than normal. And--” Hyunjin stopped his talking when he spotted a box jutting out from Beomgyu’s tight jeans. “What’s that?” He asked, but he already knew what it was. It was the flashdrive Chris protected with his life._

_Hyunjin’s own arm reached to the back of his own jeans. Beomgyu could guess what was strapped behind him-- a gun, similar to the one Beomgyu had on his waist. “Beomgyu, hand me the drive,” Hyunjin carefully held his free hand out, taking a cautious step towards him._

_Beomgyu took a step back and shook his head, hand inching towards his own defense. As the gun was still settled on his waist, Beomgyu clicked off it’s safety. And Hyunjin must’ve heard the click, because he lunged at Beomgyu, hand grabbing at the box in his jeans._

_Beomgyu came crashing to the ground, Hyunjin’s weight keeping him down. He tried pushing the other off, to no avail._

_“Hyun?” Came another voice, and Beomgyu panicked all the more. Everything blurred, not that it had ever stopped being hazy-- as he felt Hyunjin take the box, then… a gunshot rang out into the silent night._

_Now, Beomyu couldn’t tell whose gun it was, or who got shot… all he knew was that he felt no pain. Aside from Hyunjin being heavier above him. Hyunjin… wasn’t moving, at least he wasn’t moving as much as he was earlier. His grip on the box faltered, making it fall to Beomgyu’s side as the said boy took it again and pushed Hyunjin off of him._

_When he stood, he saw that he was holding his gun. The safety was off. His breathing became erratic as he stared down at Hyunjin, who was clutching at his stomach… bleeding. Oh god._

_Beomgyu backed away, nearly losing himself in his own haze of panic. “Hey! Fuck, Hyun!” Another Stray bolted towards them, gun in hand. Chris._

_“No!” Chris yelled as he dropped down next to Hyunjin’s weakening form. Beomgyu ran, as fast as he could, tears mixing with the rain that caught in his eyelashes, wishing that the rain would wash out the blood on his hands. But he knew it was an empty wish, his hands were forever stained._

_He tucked his own gun back inside his belt, with no intention of using it again, when another gunshot rang out. And this time, it hit him-- on his arm, right above his elbow._

_Beomgyu continued to run, ignoring the pain in his arm. If he let himself slow down, the Strays might get to him, and do something worse._

_And Beomgyu couldn’t help thinking that maybe he does deserve worse. Because Hyunjin never saw the light of day again, and Beomgyu was no better than Chris, no better than the Strays._

. . .

It will forever haunt him, even when his scar fades. 

Sometimes the scar still hurts, like the wound was still open and new. And in a way, it was. He’d never given himself time to forget and forgive. He could still feel how the strings of white-hot pain shot up from his arm and to his entire body.

And as his eyes gushed a river of tears onto his Jungkook-hyung’s shirt, he felt it again. The bullet, penetrating through his muscles and leaving a hole on his skin.

“I didn’t mean to do it, hyung… it just happened… I didn’t even know when I pulled the… the trigger,” Beomgyu calming down a bit now, he detached himself from Jungkook. “I… sorry hyung, m’sorry about your shirt...”

“Stop saying sorry, Gyu. I understand, I know you didn’t mean it.”

Jungkook was about to say more when his phone pinged. He nodded at the screen, “Gyu… Joong’s looking for me. Will you be okay?”

Beomgyu couldn’t do anything else but nod.

. . .

_“You know how to play the guitar?” Yeonjun had asked him on his second week at the Onyx._

_“It still kind of hurts when I lift my arm… but I can manage,” Beomgyu said, still being shy around the elder Puma. He still had to tune the guitar he’d found laying around. Maybe someone of the pumas knew how to play, but no one was taking ownership of it, so Beomgyu just took it as his own._

_“We haven’t really talked about why I found you all knocked-up across the street, though,” Yeonjun said, opening a conversational topic, the one that Beomgyu had been avoiding the most._

_Right, Beomgyu had insisted that they do not take him to a hospital on the night Yeonjun found him, so Hongjoong instead had to call over one of his friends to help get the bullet out of Beomgyu. He was asleep the whole time, but Beomgyu could guess it might’ve hurt. He’s currently drowning in pain relievers as of the moment and his entire body feels numb._

_Seeing as Beomgyu had no intention of disclosing his own story to Yeonjun, the elder spoke._

_“Can you play Still Into You by Paramore?” Yeonjun flat-out asked, leaning on the doorframe of his own room where Beomgyu stayed at the moment. Yeonjun settled for sleeping in the lounge while Beomgyu recovered-- the extra room would be ready by the time his wound would close._

_Beomgyu raised an eyebrow. “Why’d you ask? Aren’t you into metal or something?”_

_“Now that is just you judging the book by it’s cover,” Yeonjun said, chuckling a bit. “The song is… nice. Reminds me of someone.”_

_Beomgyu nodded and placed his hands on the fret of the guitar, scooting a bit so that Yeonjun could sit next to him. There was a certain comforting aura that the elder exuded-- Yeonjun made Beomgyu feel at home even when he barely knew him. And it worried Beomgyu, how he’d have to show Yeonjun the flashdrive. Beomgyu had borrowed Hongjoong’s laptop the other night, just to see exactly what was in the flashdrive he’d stolen. Realization came in an instant, and he connected the dots-- why the Strays were so hell-bent over the Pumas’ business, because they had killed the father of Choi Yeonjun, the good samaritan who had offered to put a safe roof over his head as he heals._

_Truthfully, Beomgyu didn’t want to show Yeonjun. But he’d have to eventually._

_“Who?” Beomgyu asked as he continued to tune the guitar, “If you don’t mind me asking?”_

_He felt the bed dip as Yeonjun heaved a sigh, “Well… it’s a love song… so I guess you have a hint.”_

_“So it reminds you of someone special, then?” Beomgyu continued to ask._

_“Yes,” the elder spoke, “I used to think that people only listened to songs because of their tune. He proved me wrong.”_

_“He?” Beomgyu repeated._

_“Are you judging me again?”_

_“No!” Beomgyu said in defense, “No, I’m just making sure I heard it right.”_

_The younger strummed, listening intently to the chords so he could get it right._

_And then, he started to play._

_Yeonjun closed his eyes, letting the melody caress his ears and calm his entire being. Beomgyu knew the guitar enough to play it without even looking at the fretboard. He kept his eyes at Yeonjun though, seeing how the elder’s face was calm and peaceful, a smile on his face._

_Yeonjun smiled a lot, it was nice. From where Beomgyu came from, a smile always meant something else-- more money from drugs, a new recruit, the effect of the satisfying glimmer of a silver pistol-- but Yeonjun’s smile was just nice. No malevolent thoughts hiding behind it._

_And Beomgyu just knew he and Yeonjun would get along._

_But after a few moments, he heard Yeonjun sniffle, seeing tears roll down his face. beomgyu stopped strumming._

_“No,” Yeonjun sighed, “Go on. I… I’m okay. You’re good… it’s nice to hear. Please do finish the song,” he said, nodding to Beomgyu, and who was the younger to refuse?_

_He’d later find out that Yeonjun had once fallen in love with a boy named Soobin._

_“He was young… and so was I,” Yeonjun had said after his outburst of emotions. The guitar was now resting beside Beomgyu as he listened to Yeonjun’s story._

_“His first impression of me wasn’t all that great,” Yeonjun had said, “I nearly hit him with Fed.”_

_Yeonjun laughed, “God, he hated me. I used to troll him around his school campus after that incident. Call me a stalker-- because I was. Couldn’t help it, he was just too cute.”_

_“And then, we finally became friends. I saw him drop his research papers unintentionally. He left them at the cafe he was at. That was the only time I mustered the confidence to talk to him. Saw him panicking right outside the gates of his school. Apparently the papers he left were due on that day. Basically I saved his grades,” Yeonjun said._

_“And then… Valentine’s day came. The cheesy person he is,” Yeonjun sighed dreamily amidst his stuffy nose, “He gave me these… letters, chocolates, and roses. Fucking roses-- I felt like I was having a debut or something.”_

_“I know that isn’t very puma of me… but Soobin had always been forcing me out of my comfort zone.”_

_“But… Gyu...” he trailed off, “I shouldn’t have let myself be too happy. We lasted three months. His mother… told him to end things with me.”_

_“You let him?” Beomgyu asked._

_“What else was I supposed to do? Someone like Soobin…, he should live a great life. He shouldn’t be with people like me. I’m in no position to hold him back or force him to stay... I heard he’s a doctor now. He’s better off without me.”_

_“But you still love him, hyung.”_

_Yeonjun’s hand subconsciously rubbed his neck, the hem of his shirt’s collar low enough for Beomgyu to see a name tattooed onto the elder’s skin in red ink._

_Soobin’s name._

_“I do. And I know… I know he really did love me too. That assurance is the only thing that lets me sleep soundly. Knowing that someone like Soobin truthfully loved someone like me with all his heart. For as long as we had each other.”_

_“That song,” Yeonjun looked back up at Beomgyu, “That was what he sang the night he loved me for real. He always sang it on the karaoke every time he’d be here. Whenever i listen to it, it feels like he’s right next to me.”_

_“Loved you for real?” Beomgyu asked, a genuinely curious soul he was._

_“Yeah… y’know. Like, not as friends,” Yeonjun’s eyes fell from Beomgyu’s soft eyes, gazed instead at the mattress and the sheets where Beomgyu sat, “Kissed me like he meant it.”_

_“Ah, I get it, I get it,” Beomgyu says, until his eyes widened and he shot up from the bed, “Wait, that’s disgusting!”_

_Yeonjun smirked, “Chill. It’s been a long time, I’ve changed the sheets.”_

_“But it’s the same mattress-- that’s it, I don’t care, I’m the one sleeping in the lounge!”_

. . .

_“I shouldn’t be telling anyone about this. Much less, I really shouldn’t have come here,” Beomgyu muttered to Yeonjun, who was staring down at the video of the Strays and his father._

_Yeonjun heaved a sigh amidst his frantic eyes. He controlled his breathing._

_“No, Gyu. You did the right thing. But I don’t want anyone else finding out about this. Understood?” Yeonjun’s reaction shocked Beomgyu._

_“You’re not-- you’re not mad at them?”_

_“Of course I am. He’s my father… even though I barely knew the guy. I’m mostly angry at the realization they killed my mom.”_

_“What are you going to do about it?”_

_“Nothing. Should I do anything about it?” The distress in Yeonjun’s voice was evident as he gripped the phone tighter._

_“Well… yeah, they’re your family--”_

_“They were,” Yeonjun turned off the phone and handed it back to Beomgyu, “It’s all in the past. I may be mad now, but it’s better safe than sorry.” he turned to Beomgyu, with a serious look on his face-- the most serious face Yeonjun could muster._

_“My family are the Pumas now.”_

. . .

“Are you sure you’re going alone, Tyun?” Soobin asked, “Don’t you want to wait for me? Or call Beomgyu? I could call Jungkook-hyung to fetch you.”

“I’m not a baby, quit worrying about me,” Taehyun replied, dismissing him like a prepubescent teenager who had an overly-demanding mother. “I’ll be fine, the Onyx is just a cab-drive away.”

“Cab--” Soobin did a double take, “Cab drive? Since when have you begun ditching your car?”

“Since Gyu hyung,” Taehyun said like it was a universal fact, “He gets me to places faster than any car could-- it’s the more practical option.” 

Soobin was too tired to argue, “C’mon, just stay here for a bit? I just have things to sort out with Namjoon especially since I’ve been out for months. You know I’ve got to win his heart back. It’ll only take me a while.”

Taehyun sighed, “I just have a bad feeling about Beomgyu-hyung,” he admitted. And honestly Soobin felt the same unwavering fear of danger. Especially after he’d seen the drive, after he’d seen by his own eyes what the Strays are capable of doing. 

“I have a bad feeling about everything, given the circumstance-- it’s nearly midnight, Taehyun. The entire city’s asleep, it’s not safe. Besides, Beomgyu would be fine, he’s in the Onyx for heck’s sake, nothing’s gonna get him there.”

“Okay, you’re right,” Taehyun said as he calmed down a bit, sitting himself down on one of the metal beaches near the building’s exit. “Be quick, I still need to fix some of my stuff.”

Soobin nodded and rushed to Namjoon’s small office near the lobby. He knocked on the door and invited himself in.

_“Are you sure you’re fine to operate again?”_

_“Yes, pretty much. Followed your advice, I gave myself time to heal.”_

_“But have you really moved on, Soobin?”_

_“...No one can truly move on from that, but I can assure you, it won’t affect my performance. I’ll do my best to get myself back on track.”_

_“Okay then. Welcome back.”_

Soobin was all smiles after he’d left Namjoon’s office. Really, his boss was the best, even though Soobin thought he might be pushing it and abusing the other doctor’s kindness. He rounded the corridor, expecting to see Taehyun where he had left him-- only to find the place empty. 

Soobin grumbled a sound of confusion, the night was darker than usual, the hospital lights were dimmer… it was probably only Soobin’s paranoia… right?

Taehyun could be as stubborn as a mule if he wanted to be-- strong and self-willed, even when it was made clear by everyone around him that he shouldn’t be on the streets alone, especially not now. So, Soobin figured he must’ve gone back to The Onyx, just like a teenager eager to see their lover at the end of the day.

After all, Soobin’s once been there too.

. . .

_“Beomgyu,” Yeonjun called out, the state he was in made Beomgyu want to cry out. He wasn’t used to seeing his hyung like this-- but if that dextrose is the only thing keeping him alive, moving, and talking, then Beomgyu could live with it._

_“Hyung.” His hand ran over the strap of his guitar case, which was slung across his back._

_“Why so sullen?” He asked, pushing himself up so he could lean on the bed frame, “I know I’m on my death bed but--”_

_Beomgyu flinched at his hyung’s words. “Don’t joke about that...”_

_“Right… sorry.”_

_The younger’s fingers fidgeted around the strap of the guitar case. It has been a few months since Yeonjun had told Beomgyu of his condition. It was heartbreaking, really. Beomgyu got all excited that his hyung had woken up, only for his first conscious words to be, “Beomgyu, I’m sick. I’ve known for six months.”_

_It wasn’t just cabin fever, it wasn’t just the flu._

_He pushed his sad thoughts away, filling his own mind with self-assurance that his Yeonjun hyung would be okay for the time being. He was with Soobin. Fate has granted him a favor._

_“You asked me to come,” he started._

_“Oh, I did. I’m sorry for stealing you from your precious Taehyunnie.” Yeonjun said, patting the free space on the bed for Beomgyu to sit._

_“On a more serious note…,” it was Yeonjun’s turn to look sad, “Be there for Soobin when I...”_

_“Yeah, I got that,” the younger said, heart breaking at how close he knew they were to getting to that point. Maybe Yeonjun could do a few more laps, but the real finish line was near._

_“Yeah. Don’t feed his curiosity… especially about my parents. I already told him what he has to know, nothing more, nothing less.”_

_“Yes, hyung. He won’t find anything else.”_

_“Hey, Gyu?” Yeonjun called again. “Take care of yourself, yeah?”_

_“I will, hyung.”_

_“Don’t let it trouble you anymore, okay? Be happy with him. I hope you two sortout your mixed up love story soon,” he gave a light chuckle._

_“But what if… what if it doesn’t go as planned?”_

_“You mean… if fate messes with you?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Then do what you can to make everything okay again. You can do that, Gyu.”_

_“What if I end up…,” his voice lowered to a whisper, “what if I end up hurting someone? What if the consequences of my actions--”_

_“Do what you think is right, Gyu. And if you hurt someone along the way, maybe fate wills it.”_

_Yeonjun opened his arms and Beomgyu crashed himself into the hug his hyung offered._

_“Sometimes it’s better to fight, to act on things… rather than try to fix a situation by running from it. Capiche?”_

_“Yeah hyung, capiche.”_

_He felt Yeonjun’s arms wrap almost protectively around him, as if he were trying to convey something to Beomgyu, something he could not say out loud._

_Yeonjun whispered carefully, “Teach me the song now, will you?”_

. . .

“Thank goodness, you came home!” Beomgyu ran down the stairs and into the lounge where Soobin had come through. He’d been having this lingering, threatening feeling that something was wrong. Well, San had accidentally mixed too much alcohol into Jungkook’s drink by accident… the bad feeling could’ve been just that.

Beomgyu halted his steps, hand supporting himself by gripping the railing.

“Why? Did anything happen while I was gone?” Soobin asked, put off by Beomgyu’s frantic state. Soobin seemed clueless at first, until he himself put the pieces together, “Where’s Taehyun?” He asked sternly.

Beomgyu groaned, running his hand through his hair, “Fuck, he’s not with you? He left with you didn’t he?”

“I thought he went back here.”

“ _You thought?_ Soobin-hyung-- what the hell, you _thought_ he went home? You saw a grown man get shot in the head in that damn drive and now you’re relying on your instinct that he _went home?_ God, why did you let him out of your sight?!”

Soobin had never seen Beomgyu this troubled. As Beomgyu rambled on and on, trying again and again to call Taehyun’s phone, Soobin slowly but surely fell into panic as well.

“Where could he be?” Soobin asked, “Shit, Gyu. I’m sorry-- I told him to stay and wait for me--”

“I know, I believe you,” Beomgyu waved him off, foot anxiously fidgeting on the floor as he muttered a string of, “ _C’mon, c’mon Taehyun-ah answer your phone. Please be all right._ ”

“He could’ve been taken, fuck Kook-hyung was right. I should’ve told him. I should’ve come with you guys. Those Stray bastards.”

“We should call the police. Send them to the Strays’ base. or file Taehyun as a missing person--”

“No, no, no,” Beomgyu breathed, still being the more perturbed out of the two. “Hyung, they can’t. We can’t involve the police. Chris would use that against me. I… I need to get him back.”

_“What? Why can’t we involve the police?”_

. . .

_“You’re… scared of the cops?” Yeonjun asked one day when in the lounge, Beomgyu was playing a random game on the console._

_“Uh… yeah. I guess you can say that.” Beomgyu wanted to hit himself with the controller. It has been a few days and he hasn’t heard of what had become of Hyunjin-- it’s hard to convince yourself of being a killer if you have no confirmation of your victim being truly dead._

_“Well, I don’t know if I should share this article to you then,” Yeonjun said, leaning back on the black leather couch, nose practically buried in the glare of his phone, “Aish, people do have such weird phobias.”_

_Beomgyu’s heart skipped a beat, it might as well have stopped beating entirely. “No, hyung. Tell me, what’s happened?”_

_The glitching sound along with a flash of ‘game over’ appeared at the TV screen as he put down the controller._

_“I don’t know how it’s relevant… but there’s been a Stray who was shot. The witnesses say to have heard a gunshot. Hwang Hyunjin? Ring a bell?” Yeonjun asked, sympathy in his voice. He must’ve assumed Beomgyu had friends from where he came from._

_Beomgyu’s life crumbles for the nth time._

_The Strays didn’t state his name. He was nowhere to be seen in the article… that only meant one thing._

_The Strays were gunning for him next. That could be the only explanation._

_“Hyung… I think… I think I’m ready to let you know why I had a bullet in my arm.”_

. . . 

“I didn’t mean it. I… I’m not a killer, Soobin-hyung. I’m not like them. Please understand.”

“Okay. Then we don’t call the police,” Soobin nodded, he’d anticipated that joining the Pumas would get him invested in sticky situations. “What’s our move? Where’s Kook-hyung?”

“Drunk,” Beomgyu said, as he thought about what he should do amidst his utter worry.

A second later, Beomgyu knew what he had to do. His decision and plan was set in stone. He didn’t want to drag any of the Pumas into this. He’d already endangered Taehyun, heck he might be in danger as of the moment, he’s caused enough casualties-- especially since he’s basically gatecrashed into the Pumas. 

His problems, he should spare the Pumas of it. They didn’t deserve to be involved. They took him in, kept him safe, they were too kind to him. And what did he repay them with? _A dangling sword of death above their heads._

“You know… I think he’s in one of the rooms upstairs,” Beomgyu said, choosing his words wisely. He was about to do something, he had no idea what the repercussions could be, but he just couldn’t live with any more of the Pumas getting hurt because of him. 

Maybe even as they spoke, his Taehyun was already hurt… he’s wasting time. He has to get Taehyun out of that lion’s den.

Soobin jumped to his feet, “Which one?” He was already taking himself towards the stairs, going over his mental blueprint of the different rooms in the Onyx.

“Storage room, far right,” Beomgyu followed close behind him, “He’d been looking for one of his helmets...”

He followed Soobin, making sure the elder got into the storage room first. Soobin switched on the lights of the four-cornered room. Boxes upon boxes of dusty stuff were what greeted him. He heard Beomgyu from behind him, the boy squeaked a little, “I’m sorry.”

Soobin whipped to his back, only to see that Beomgyu had closed the door. The door, which can only be unlocked on the outside. 

“Beomgyu!” Soobin yelled, already pounding his knuckles on the door while helplessly trying to shake the doorknob open. Ah, Yeonjun had told him of this room. The room where the Pumas used to keep intruders locked inside until further questioning. It was like their small detention room of sorts, they never had any real use to it ever since Hongjoong took over. “Beomgyu, open the door--”

“I’m sorry I have to-- I… I made a promise to take care of him, hyung,” he could almost hear Beomgyu sniffle. 

“I promised to take care of him, and if he is with the Strays, then I’ve already failed.”

“Beomgyu, look,” Soobin willed himself to calm down. Being locked in here was the last of his worries, because eventually, someone would find him and unlock the door. But where Beomgyu was headed? There’s no telling what would transpire. “Let me help you. I made a promise too. I promised to save people, especially the ones who matter most to me. I’ve failed Kai, I’ve failed Yeonjun-hyung,” he felt tears prick in his eyes.

“I don’t want to fail Taehyun too. I don’t want to fail you. Beomgyu, Yeonjun-hyung would fuck me over if I let you go on your own.”

“Hyung’s not here anymore,” Beomgyu said bitterly, “Without him, I… _I don’t know what to do._ ” Yeonjun has always kept Beomgyu grounded, Yeonjun has been the wall that kept Beomgyu from the guilt of his mistake-- and with his hyung gone, the wall is breaking down. Slowly but surely, the guilt is coming back. 

“He told me to watch over you too, hyung. And… you don’t have to-- to worry much. Maybe Taehyun’s just getting ice cream as of the moment… maybe he’s okay.”

“You’re going to the fucking Strays without any confirmation if Taehyun is even there!”

“I got out of that hell-hole alive. I could do it again. I just need a simple peek, hyung. If he isn’t there, I’ll be back in no time.”

“If you don’t come back? How would that make me feel? Beomgyu let me out! Let me help!”

“You could help by staying. At least this way… I’d be sure that you’re okay. I wouldn’t have to worry about you. And if i don’t make it back… I sure do hope Taehyun does.”

. . .

He’d sworn to himself he wouldn’t as much as _look_ at the pistol ever again. 

He really had to stop promising things, he always ends up breaking them, breaking everyone else in the process-- including himself. 

It was hard to ignore Soobin’s yelling from the other corridor, but Beomgyu had to be quick. This was all too familiar again. The gun glistened in the dark as it caught a glimmer of light from outside. He wasn’t used to its heaviness anymore, weight going straight to his wrist as he adjusted his own grip.

His thumb hovered over the gun’s safety, remembering what happened the last time he flipped it off. His index finger lightly pressed on the trigger, sending shivers up his spine at the sound of the gun’s fire-- but there were no bullets inside. None yet. The bullets were in his pocket, and for the second time, he hoped he wouldn’t have to use them.

. . .

Beomgyu left his motorbike a few safe paces away from the Strays’ base. 

Now here he was, in the process of picking the lock of the basement window. He peered inside, but it was too dark to make out anything, not even a single silhouette of anything. He shined the flashlight from his phone onto the tinted glass, but still-- he couldn’t see anything.

His heart began to rise to his throat, panic kicking in. He wonders if he should’ve brought Soobin along, or if he should just break the window and get Taehyun out of there (if he is) and hope to any higher being that the Strays wouldn’t catch them.

No, that was probably a bad idea. 

As Beomgyu thought of another way to somehow bypass the Strays and peek in, the basement’s lights were turned on. The Puma scrambled backwards, hiding far, but not too far-- just enough to conceal his presence if one of the Strays decided to look up and see him through the window. 

The mop of blond hair. The same blond hair his nose has been nuzzling the other night-- he would know Taehyun’s hair like the back of his hand. The boy inside the basement, shackled to a chair in front of what seemed like the same interrogation table Yeonjin was at, was _definitely_ his Taehyun.

“Fuck,” Beomgyu muttered. And once Beomgyu swears like that, alone, by himself, the soft drizzle of the night’s rain on his skin-- it was never good. It was Beomgyu’s coping mechanism, his own signal to himself that he had to think of something, of _anything._ But all he could do was curse. 

Beomgyu squinted, and on the other side of the table was Chris. He seemed to be laughing his head off like a crazy person, twirling a silver pistol in his gloved hands like how a campus jock would play with a nerd’s pencil. 

They appeared to be talking, well, there was no way Beomgyu could really see if the doctor was responding. That was until Chris seemed to have said something that made Taehyun tick.

His head, which was bowed earlier, shot up, looking directly at Chris. Taehyun seemed to have yelled something, and Chris didn’t like it. He pointed the gun at the doctor, causing him to recoil. At this point, the lock was the only thing that kept Beomgyu from jumping in and aiming his gun at Chris as well. 

But Beomgyu also _knew_ Chris. He knew he wouldn’t pull the trigger without warning. Without making them suffer, without making it hurt. And now, Beomgyu had to play Chris by his own cards-- no matter how deadly it may be. Chris wasn’t after Taehyun, Taehyun didn’t do him dirty, didn’t do anything to wrong him. But Beomgyu did. 

And Beomgyu _knew_ that Chris wanted him there too, because he wanted to avenge Hyunjin. 

That was when realization hit Beomgyu. His assumptions were correct. 

The Strays were all too quiet after Hyunjin… because Chris was waiting for Beomgyu to find someone, so that he could feel how painful it is to have someone taken from you before their time. Chris wanted his revenge, but he’d never planned on laying a hand on Beomgyu. Chris was waiting for Beomgyu. He’d walked right into his trap.

Beomgyu had never hurt Chris directly. So this is how it was going to go.

The Puma _all the more_ couldn’t-- shouldn’t dare show himself to any of the Strays if he wanted to get Taehyun out of there unscathed. 

Chris tucked back his gun into his belt. Throwing Taehyun one last look, he left the room and closed the lights once more. 

He had to pick the lock, as quietly and quickly as he could. 

. . .

Taehyun looked up at Chris, bitter and angry. “Beomgyu-hyung isn’t stupid enough to come here alone.” 

He had woken up shackled to a chair, and he knew where he was. He was at the Stray’s basement-- the same one he’d seen in the flashdrive. 

“In his right mind, maybe,” Chris said, “”But Beomgyu isn’t in his right mind if I’ve observed correctly. He’s unstable isn’t he? ‘Specially after he lost that Choi friend of his. Actually,” Chris paused only to continue, “Back then, I was thinking of taking Yeonjun instead. But after I snooped around a bit, I realized he’s sick. So it wouldn’t be worth it. Wouldn’t hurt as much..”

Taehyun’s fists clenched from where they were tied to his back. Whenever he would fight against it, he would feel a pinch-like sensation in his arm. Like… a fresh needle prick. For how long had he been out of it?

“So I waited. And then you,” Chris sighed, “Came into the picture. You guys became close in what, a span of three months? Or less? Judging from the looks you give each other, you’re anything but platonic.”

“You’ve been… stalking us...” Taehyun asked, well, it was more of a question for himself. How had he failed to notice? His thinking was a bit muddled, but Taehyun didn’t dwell on it.

“From afar, yes. Sometimes the others do the watching for me. But there is this one thing I still don’t know, though.”

Chris leaned in with scrutinizing eyes, causing Taehyun to lean back and away from the guy’s face. “Do you know why you’re here?”

Taehyun didn’t want to answer, but he found himself replying anyway, “Has something to do with Gyu-hyung.” Taehyun couldn’t understand why he wasn’t scared-- he was. But he wasn’t quivering. If anything, he was quivering with anger, not with fear. 

“You’re smart,” Chris said, lightly patting Taehyun’s head, to which the younger flinched away, “But not smart enough. I’m asking you again, do you know exactly why you’re here?”

“The flashdrive,” Taehyun said. Maybe, if he played along with Chris, he could get this over with, “You want him to come here and give it back to you.”

“Close enough. Ah, Pumas,” Chris turned away, walking a few paces away from Taehyun, “They’ve always been so secretive. Even to the ones they seem to care about.”

“Let me rephrase my question,” the Stray said with a pensive hum, “Do you know why… you are the one I took?”

“You’d already know the answer--” Taehyun snickered in spite, “you’ve been following us.”

“I need a concrete answer.”

“Why?”

“Because I do everything for a reason. I don’t get my hands dirty for empty purposes.”

Taehyun bit the inside of his cheek, “Because… he loves me?”

Chris grinned at that, “Which makes you the perfect bait. That bastard is so gone for you. Loves you more than himself, I think. He let you on his bike the first day you met, right? Followed you around? Made sure to see you during your break time? Invited you to the Onyx on his birthday?”

Taehyun bit his tongue, Chris knew everything. He was watching them, and there was something about that that made Taehyun want to snap the other’s neck. Everything he’s done with Beomgyu felt intimate, like a secret only shared between the two of them, how dare Chris know all of that?

“He did.”

“Yeah. He never lets anyone near his motorbike. He only has time for himself, ever the narcissist. And from what i’ve noticed? Beomgyu has a heck of a lot of trust issues, doesn’t let anyone who isn’t a Puma as much as near the Onyx. Imagine my surprise,” the sarcasm was evident in the Stray’s voice, “When I found out you spent the night together _and_ that you’d be living with him.”

That was when Taehyun snapped, “You’re messed up.” 

“Sure I am. But did you know _he’s_ a scheming liar?” Chris said out of a sudden as he waited for Taehyun’s reaction. 

“Did you know he lied to you? A lot of times.”

“No, he promised me he’s telling the truth,” Taehyun kept still, wanting Chris to shut up, but he didn’t.

“Another thing about Beomgyu. He loves making promises for as long as he can keep you. But when it comes to _actually_ fulfilling the promise? He checks-out.”

“Who the fuck are you to know that?” Taehyun spat, no one should talk about Beomgyu like that, he doesn’t deserve it.

“He used to be one of us. He made a promise to us too, that he’d never let us down. Promised that he’d never do anything to jeopardize the gang. But then he took the drive,” Chris stopped.

“I was only keeping the drive for my parents’ sake. It’s not like anyone can arrest them anymore. So he lied about that too. The drive is nothing to me now.”

“He wanted it so bad, and he saw that I had shot a guy that night,” Chris recounted, “It messed with my head. He saw it as a chance to snatch the drive… I don’t know, maybe to hold something over me? Really, Taehyun. Believe me when I say I could’ve let Beomgyu get away with that drive.”

“I could’ve let all of this go. Could’ve followed my parents to god knows where-- but I stayed. Because I want to make it up to Hyunjin.”

“Who the hell is that, and what does he have anything to do with Beomgyu-hyung?” Taehyun was getting restless.

“Hyunjin was one of my most trusted friends. I loved the guy, he was always there for me when I needed someone. He never left. Even after he found out about my past, about Yeonjin, about the drugs. When others found out about it… they just _left._ Much like Beomgyu.”

“I’ve never had anyone stay, only Hyunjin did. And it felt nice, knowing that even after I blew a guy’s brains out, Hyunjin would still be there.”

“I don’t get your point,” Taehyun said, eyes trained on the gun at Chris’s waist. Taehyun weighed the possibilities of him being killed, but he wanted the most information possible if he were to even get out of here alive.

“Your Beomgyu killed him.”

“What?” Taehyun blinked, not quite understanding what Chris had said.

“Not so kind now, is he?” Chris walked closer to Taehyun, “All Hyunjin wanted was to retrieve the drive. For my sake. But Beomgyu didn’t give him the drive, he fucking _shot_ him. He shot him and ran like the coward he is.”

“No, Gyu-hyung wouldn’t do that.”

“It’s fine, Taehyun,” Chris waved him off, “We’re all in denial at first. The bullet wound he has? It was from me, I tried to stall him, to keep him from escaping the consequences of what he’d done to Hyun,” Chris said, “I guess he lied about that too.”

Taehyn’s shock must’ve been written all over his face.

“Sorry to break it to you, Beomgyu will keep on making those white lies and promises only to let you down. He’ll keep lying so you wouldn’t treat him differently. Come to think of it… I don’t think he even cares, for all I know… all of that could’ve been only for show.”

“Maybe he’s not coming at all, Taehyun. Just stating plausible facts,” Chris said, “But if he does, it means I’ve won the lottery with you. Means he really does care-- and hurting you would be much more satisfying--”

“Stop,” Taehyun said, voice at the loudest volume, “Stop this bullshit-- Gyu-hyung would do none of those, and maybe I’m _hoping_ with all my might that he doesn’t come--” Taehyun’s thoughts were as messy a newly unpackaged puzzle pieces, “And if he _did_ shoot this Hyunjin friend of yours-- he probably deserves it too, hanging with a psychopath like you? He had it coming--”

Taehyun was silenced by Chris pointing the gun at his head, eyes suddenly void of emotion, “You don’t talk about Hyun like that.”

“Right back at you,” Taehyun retorted, Chris was thrilled at how Taehyun was holding up. Usually, people under the same circumstance Taehyun was in would begin freaking out and think of a way to escape-- but Taehyun did none of those. He wasn’t fighting against being held captive unlike any other person would do. 

Chris tucked back his gun in his belt, gritting his teeth. 

“Think about what I said,” Chris said, and with a final huff, he left the room.

. . .

Soobin doesn’t know how the Pumas do it, but there was no signal whatsoever in the small stock room. He raised his phone, wishing that he would have even just a single ba or signal, but there was none. What a bummer.

By now, the other Pumas were already playing loud music at the lobby of the bar, dancing their asses off, unaware of what’s been going on. 

“Damn it,” Soobin breathed, when he caught a whiff of signal, only for it to be replaced by a red ‘x’ again. 

“Hmphm--” Soobin paused. What was that he heard? Soobin whipped towards the direction of it, letting his hand and phone fall to his side.

Behind the stack of boxes that he’d noticed were placed in a messier order than the others, came a groan. Soobin’s eyebrows creased as he cautiously approached to see a Puma passed out on the floor. Jungkook.

Should Soobin feel relieved? He was more worried now that he was locked in a room with an intoxicated Jungkook. 

“Hyung,” Soobin crouched down and tried to shake the black-clad Puma awake, to which the elder responded with a weak grunt. Soobin saw a bottle of alcohol in Jungkook’s hand. It’s been a long time since he’d seen Jungkook drink this much. Not mentioning the accidental additional dosage San gave him earlier. 

“Hyung, are you awake?” He shook Jungkook’s shoulder harder as he took the half-emptied bottle from him. 

_“Taehyung?”_

Oh. He was having one of those episodes again. It happens when Jungkook gets too drunk, he sees people who aren’t there. He remembers everything he’d tried so hard to push back into the recesses of his mind.

“No, hyung. It’s me. Soobin… we’re locked in the stockroom, and Beomgyu… is rushing to the Strays as of the moment. Can you get up?” Soobin must’ve sounded selfish, but he knew Jungkook would also want to help if he weren’t drunkenly hallucinating his late boyfriend. 

_“Taetae?”_ Jungkook slurred, taking Soobin’s face in his hands and smiling like an idiot. Under any other circumstance, Soobin would let him indulge in his delusions until he’d sober up. But this wasn’t _any other circumstance._

“Hyung,” Soobin took Jungkook’s hands away, “Taehyung’s… he…--”

“ _You were killed, I know,_ ” Jungkook’s smile fell. 

“Yeah...” Soobin trailed off. “Hyung… Beomgyu went to the Strays… we have to help.”

And then, Jungkook cried. He curled his knees up to his chest, sobbing profusely. 

Soobin leaned back and waited, he’s been there too.

. . .

Something clanked behind Taehyun.

“Taehyun-ah,” came a voice, a very familiar one at that. Homey, comfortable. Taehyun was tired.

“Taehyun-ah,” the voice came again, sharper this time, but still not louder than a whisper. 

He heard more clanking, and then a thump. Taehyun weakly turned his head to the side, hopeful that he would see who it was in his peripheral. The said person who had just broken in, to save him? To kill him? Taehyun was tired, hungry, parched, and his limbs felt stiff. 

The lights that came from the flickering lamp post outside was enough for him to-- “Beomgyu-hyung, what… you _aren’t supposed to be here,_ ” taehyun said, already panicking as he felt Beomgyu’s soft hands undo the chains on his wrists and ankles.

“I’m getting you out,” Beomgyu said, “You think you’re strong enough to jump through the window up there? I’ll push you up, and then you’ll have to pull me up too. He didn’t hurt you, did he?” Beomgyu’s concern spiked through his words as the younger was freed, and he circled around Taehyun, not knowing where to check first, so he settled for Taehyun’s face.

“Hyung,” Taehyun said, still being able to find Beomgyu’s gaze even in the dark, “Hyung, I’m fine-- we have to go.”

Beomgyu pulls Taehyun in for a hug. The younger hugs back. He feels Beomgyu’s fingers slowly carding through the hair at the back of his head, “You’re okay,” he closes his own eyes and calms his breathing. His Taehyun was okay. 

“Did he tell you anything?” Beomgyu asked.

Taehyun slightly pulled away, just enough to look up at Beomgyu, “Hyung we can talk about it later--”

“So he _did,_ ” Beomgyu smiled weakly, averting his eyes from the younger while still keeping him protectively pressed against his chest. “What did he tell you?”

“Hyung--”

“Taehyun-ah, _what did he tell you?_ ”

“... that… you hurt Hyunjin.”

Beomgyu held Taehyun tighter, dreading the possibility of Taehyun taking off running.

“He told me you lie a lot…”

“I don’t believe him, hyung. Unless you tell me to,” Taehyun pulled on the sides of Beomgyu’s shirt.

“It’s true,” Beomgyu said, the heavy feeling that weighed him down finally gone-- but there was a layer of unease and worry that replaced it. Taehyun was going to leave him now, no doubt about it. But at least he’d get Taehyun out of here safely.

To his surprise, Taehyun didn’t pull away. “I knew it was too good to be true when you told me you were an angel. Because no one is, hyung. Everyone makes mistakes, has bad secrets they want to keep hidden. The only thing that I’m mad about right now… is that you didn’t tell me.”

Beomgyu looked back at Taehyun. Does he really deserve this boy?

“And Chris… he lied to me too. He said that, maybe you wouldn’t come for me; that you make promises just to break them. But here you are, you _utter idiot,_ ” Taehyun can feel the tears pricking in his eyes as the words poured out of his mouth. Beomgyu was here. Of course he was. He’d promised to take care of Taehyun, of course he’d risk himself doing so. “Hyung we have to go, _now._ ”

Beomgyu nodded, he still had a lot of explaining to do, but a mad Taehyun was better than one who wanted to break up. 

Just when Beomgyu was about to break off from their hug, the door opened, wide enough to let the light from the corridor illuminate the wide room.

_Fuck._

Beomgyu heard the cocking of a gun, “Hands where I can see them,” it was Chris.

The Puma detached himself from Taehyun, back still facing Chris, and in one swift motion took his own weapon on his waist-- but Chris was quicker. 

Taehyun didn’t know which was louder, the bullet, or his own incoherent thoughts in his brain.

In the next second, Beomgyu let out a blood-curdling scream and dropped to the floor. 

. . .

“It’s a defense, the Pumas signal-proofed this room,” Jungkook said when he had sobered up, hand expertertly working on dismantling the doorknob. 

“Hyung?” 

“Yes, Soobin?” 

“Once we get there… what’s the plan?”

Jungkook pauses his movements, thinking for himself. “We’ll see,” he continued taking the doorknob out of the door, completely yanking it out of its socket, “It’d be a waste of our time if we strategize now.”

Jungkook pushes the door open and leads Soobin to his room. The younger watched as his hyung took two pistols from a safe under his bed.

Jungkook handed one to Soobin, the last time he’s held one was when he was with Yeonjun. 

Jungkook looked Soobin in the eye, sternly, “As much as possible,” Soobin took the gun, “Do not pull the trigger unless you absolutely have to.”

. . .

“Take Fed,” Jungkook said as the keys in his hands rattled, his own motorbike revving to life. 

The elder Puma tossed a helmet towards Soobin, “Using your car’s kind of impractical. Better get there fast,” Jungkook adjusted his own helmet, pulling up the tinted visor of his headgear, “When did Beomgyu leave?”

“He got an hour of a head start I think,” Soobin recalled, slinging his long leg over the Fed and starting the engine as well. 

He could almost feel Yeonjun’s hands hovering over his, as if saying, _“Don’t you dare crash Fed, Soobin-ah,”_ but now was not the time for sentiments.

“Their base is just a fifteen minute drive if we ride fast enough,” Jungkook said, still bothered and annoyed at how Hongjoong had blatantly refused to help them, saying that they could handle it and _“It isn’t like they actually have Taehyun. Just because that unfortunate thing happened to Taehyung years ago, doesn’t mean it’s happening all over again.”_

He thinks they were just overreacting.

“Kook-hyung?” Soobin finds himself asking before they go to their destination.

The elder looked at him over his shoulder, “Hm?”

“Why are you… helping us? Maybe Hongjoong-hyung is right--”

“Then he’s right if he’s right. If there’s no ruckus at the Stray’s then we go back and hope Taehyun and Beomgyu get back safe.”

“But if I let Hongjoong’s instincts affect my decisions,” Jungkook paused, “I don’t think I can live with knowing I could’ve done something, the Strays have done enough, don’t you think?”

“Besides, Taehyung always told me to be brave, wherever he is, I know he’s patiently waiting for me.”

“He would want me to help,” Jungkook smiled weakly, “He would.”

. . .

“Hyung!” Taehyun dropped to his knees, leveling himself with Beomgyu, who was still crying out a stream of curses while clutching his bleeding leg.

“Cute,” Chris huffs, hands continuously fiddling with his pistol, “This reminds me of… that time Beomgyu shot Hyun. This is very poetic,” Chris said, looking sullen as he recalled how he saw Hyunjin’s life drain out of him before his eyes.

“Does it hurt, seeing him like this? You’re a doctor right? Doc, he’s bleeding--”

“Shut up, goddamnit,” Taehyun said, eyeing Beomgyu’s weapon that has been discarded far away from them. 

“How does it feel, Taehyun? Tell me,” Chris asked. 

The doctor didn’t know what to make out of this. Somehow, it felt like a dream. Like the worst nightmare of all. Another dream of someone he can’t save. But Beomgyu isn’t just someone.

“All those years studying medicine, couldn’t even save this one guy you care so much about. The most useless doctor ever.”

“Taehyun,” Beomgyu said, bloody hands holding the younger’s arms, “Don’t listen to him. You-- you saved me, from everything.”

The way Beomgyu still forced himself to smile, willed himself to show Taehyun that everything was going to be okay, nearly convinced Taehyun that maybe it would be.

The doctor spoke, “I know, hyung, I know. More ways that one, remember? I know.” _I’ll save you from this too._

He couldn’t bring himself to say it, because the way Beomgyu was bleeding out, the way his eyes were striving to keep open, and Chris’s gun pointed directly at them-- he didn’t know if he could.

Beomgyu was slowly losing his consciousness as he focused on the thrumming of Taehyun’s heart instead. He had to rely on fate to keep Taehyun alive, to keep that heart of his beating. 

“Let him go, Chris,” Beomgyu said, wincing at how he forced his voice out, raspy, “Get this over with and let him go.” Beomgyu wasn’t looking at Chris, his form was still slumped into Taehyun.

Taehyun whispered in his ear, “What the hell are you saying, hyung--”

“Chris I was the one who… killed Hyunjin,” Beomgyu said, “Let him go, please. This thing… it should be between us, right? I… I started this. I was the one who took the drive, Chris. Not him. I’m the one you want dead. Let him go, and follow your parents.”

“ _Hyung--_ ”

“Please Chris,” Beomgyu turned to Taehyun and stroked his cheek in an attempt to calm him, “Taehyun’s not going to tell on you, right, Taehyun-ah?”

“Hyung, it shouldn’t be,” _it shouldn’t be like this. We should get out of here together._

“I’ll be okay, Taehyun-ah,” he heard Chris unlock the gun’s safety again, loading in a fresh bullet. 

If there weren’t tears in Taehyun’s eyes, there sure were now. 

“Hyung… please don’t be like this...” _it shouldn’t end this way._

But Beomgyu was like glass, fragile when it came to Taehyun. he was due to shatter a long time ago, but Taehyun came, just before he was about to implode into smithereens. 

And tonight, he didn’t want Taehyun to see it. He didn’t want Taehyun to _see,_ to _witness_ how Beomgyu would willingly let himself shatter.

Chris adjusted his pistol again, “You heard him, _go._ ”

It was a suspicious relief that Chris was letting Taehyun off that quickly.

Beomgyu pushed Taehyun away with all his might, causing himself to helplessly lie on the floor and await the mercy shot. He did not dare to let his own eyelids close until he saw that Taehyun got out the window safely.

The doctor’s face was of pure hurt-- Beomgyu had pushed him away. Beomgyu has never done that, Beomgyu had never denied him of anything.

“Changed my mind, too slow,” Chris said, aiming for Taehyun this time. The younger went rigid as the gun was pointed at him, everything, like everything else for the past hours-- became a blur. There was a _thunk,_ and the Taehyun saw the Stray collapse to the floor.

Taehyun blinked, squinting, _“S-- Soobin-hyung?”_

“Taehyun,” Soobin acknowledged, instantly looking around the room right after… until he saw Beomgyu on the floor, weakly sniffling. “God, Gyu--” Soobin ran to him, tucking his gun away and taking Beomgyu in his arms, only for the younger to push himself away.

“Go, Soobin-hyung… I still need to finish this-- he _will wake up,_ ” Beomgyu nodded towards Chris, who had been knocked out by Soobin earlier. A single hit from the base of Soobin’s metal pistol got Chris unconscious-- both Soobin and Beomgyu knew he would wake up soon.

“Hyung, get-- get Taehyun out of here,” he takes Soobin’s gun from the elder’s waist, “I’ll stall for as long as I can. Call the cops--”

 _But Beomgyu was afraid of cops wasn’t he?_ Soobin felt a pang of pain rise up to his chest. 

Beomgyu was letting himself shatter.

“Call the police, I’ll keep this bastard here for as long as I could.” _I’ll make sure he wouldn’t come after you._

“Hyung, no… Soobin-hyung we can’t leave him here!” Taehyun yelled, only for his loud exclamation to be followed by a gunshot that sounded like it came from the entrance.

“Hyung, I--” Taehyun stopped himself before he could say anything that could further worsen Beomgyu’s worries. 

Again, Soobin found himself stuck in the middle.

“We’ll come back for you,” he said, making up his mind. Beomgyu seemed pleased with his answer, letting a bit of his own humor lighten up the mood. “Don’t,” Beomgyu said with half a chuckle. “Get Taehyun away from here and do not look back. If you do, I will never let you live it down.”

With him gone, the Strays wouldn’t have any reason to want to harm Taehyun or any Puma in general. The assurance that the blood of his family wouldn’t be spilled and wasted over the Strays eased him as he teetered like a vase on the edge of a table. 

“No, we’re not leaving him!” Taehyun was adamant as he attempted to pull Beomgyu up, only for the elder to resist. And when another gunshot echoed through the hallway above them, Beomgyu used the younger’s shock to his advantage. 

“I’m not giving you a choice,” Beomgyu said back, and Taehyun saw how pale Beomgyu had gotten. The footsteps from above came closer as Soobin took a chair to fully take out the windows from their hinges-- the window panes would be a hassle if he were to carry out a struggling Taehyun. 

Taehyun knelt down again, “Hyung--”

“You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever known. So perfect, Taehyun-ah. I love you so much...” Beomgyu rabled, and Taehyun noticed he was _so cold_ to the touch. 

The blood from Beomgyu’s wound was probably already soaking up Taehyun’s jeans, but he could care less. The doctor took off his shirt, furling it into a makeshift gauze. 

He tied his shirt around Beomgyu’s leg, cursing himself for not thinking of it earlier-- “Put pressure on it, hyung. We’re coming back… we… I pro--”

“ _Don’t._ ” Beomgyu said, “Don’t promise anything and let me enjoy the sight.”

It took a few seconds, but Taehyun understood it soon enough. He let out a genuine laugh, biting his lip to keep it from quivering.

“Are you seriou--”

“Damn, Choi Beomgyu was sure a lucky guy,” Beomgyu said as he leaned back, keeping an immobile hand on where Taehyun had wrapped his shirt. 

“ _Is,_ hyung. He _is._ You _are,_ a lucky idiot.” Taehyun’s voice cracked. 

“Are you sure… we can’t carry you out...” Taehyun said as a last resort, latching onto the elder as Soobin removed the second window pane. But he knew the answer-- they had no more time. The footsteps grew louder-- it was only a matter of time until Chris gets up again. 

“Taehyun,” Soobin called, but the younger wanted nothing more but to stay with Beomgyu. 

“I promised I’d take care of you… hyung promised, and hyung will fulfill that promise.”

Feeling light headed himself, Taehyun nodded. _Soobin should take Beomgyu instead. Beomgyu still had a chance to be saved._ But much like himself, Beomgyu was also as stubborn as a mule. Maybe everyone was.

For once, Taehyun complied. He shuffled to stand, only for Beomgyu to tug lighty at his bare arm, “Goodbye kiss?”

_Everything was happening too soon. Too quickly._

Taehyun leaned in and gave him just that. Soobin called for him again. By now, his own pulse drummed in his ears. An after-effect.

“I love you, Taehyun-ah,” Beomgyu’s voice faltered, “Say it back?”

 _This isn’t goodbye, hyung._ “I love you too, hyung.” _This isn’t goodbye, you idiot. Don’t speak like it is._

Beomgyu’s touch lingered for longer, smiling at how Taehyun still smelled of peaches. 

Soobin pulled Taehyun away.

He let go. 

. . . 

“Joong, you _let them go by themselves?_ And now _you’re_ the one acting like this!” Seonghwa said, Hongjoong was currently dialing every emergency number he knew and directing them to the Stray’s base. 

“And we can’t just go there ourselves, _why?_ ” Seonghwa continued to ask.

“Because we can’t leave, the Pumas would need us if the Strays decide to counter attack. The stunt Beomgyu pulled-- they would think of it as a break-in! And of all people-- _Beomgyu._ ” Hongjoong reasoned as he paced around the room.

“What makes you think the cops would care about this?” Seonghwa turns his back, with the intention of going there himself. “We should listen to Kook too sometimes,” the elder said, brushing up his hair and heading towards the exit.

“Fine, fine you win,” Hongjoong says, irritably, “Fine! I’m coming with.”

. . . 

“Taehyun…?” Soobin asked, the younger didn’t even put up a fight when Soobin hoisted him up and through the basement window. He idly took Soobin’s Puma jacket and wore it around himself when Soobin handed it to him. Taehyun listlessly rode on Fed along with Soobin, the younger slumped against him-- unmoving. It didn’t feel like him.

“Taehyun,” Soobin tried to shake Taehyun back into consciousness as they sped through the dark road. The younger remained unresponsive. “Shit,” Soobin cursed, but didn’t slow Fed down, he couldn’t afford the Strays catching up to them. 

“Hyung...” Taehyun whispered, and he coughed. “Chris… he… you should’ve… left me there instead.” The lights from the traffic lights blurred in Soobin’s vision at the speed he was going.

“The hell are you on about--”

“He was going to kill me anyway, hyung. He… my arm. He drugged me. I know that… the drug is slowly… spreading.”

“What?! Why didn’t you mention that earlier--”

“Didn’t… don’t want Gyu-hyung to worry about me.”

Blue and red lights came into view. An ambulance was coming their way. Soobin acted upon instinct, swerving to the left and completely blocking the white ambulance’s path. The driver honked at him multiple times. 

Eventually, a nurse came out of the ambulance. “Sir this is against protocol, an anonymous number is sending us to a different address, it is more of an emergency than--” the female nurse paused, eyes focusing on Taehyun.

“Okay. Okay, get him in,” the nurse said, pitying the other’s state. 

“Change of plans,” one of the doctors announced to the driver, “The others are going there too anyway.”

The male doctor took Taehyun onto the small bed, wheeling him back inside the bright vehicle. 

“Sir, what is your relation to the patient?” The nurse said, expecting Soobin to climb in with them.

Soobin handed the nurse a small calling card he’d kept conveniently tucked into Fed, hoping that the nurse would call him once they got him into an ER. It came in handy. He turned away and slung his leg over Fed again, already bringing the engine back to life.

Who was Taehyun to him? Who was Beomgyu? The Pumas? Why did Soobin even care about saving them? 

. . .

_“He’s family.”_

. . .

Taehyun was half-in, half out. Eyes focusing on the small light above him as the nurses inside the ambulance tended to him, even securing an oxygen mask around his head. He was already having trouble breathing. There was no way of knowing what Chris drugged him with-- it could be deadly, it could be killing him slowly as the ambulance drove back to its hospital. 

“Change of plans, the others are going there too anyway.” A voice said.

_Others? Going where?_

“”We aren’t sure if they are,” the driver said.

“No certainty if there really is something going on with…,” another voice paused, “The Strays? Aren’t they a rider gang-- anyway the stations haven’t notified us yet.”

“I don’t see how an anonymous number would ring us up and send us there,” the driver yelled back at the doctor, “Are you sure we shouldn’t go just in case? If that’s overdose he’ll be fine anyway right?”

“We have a patient now,” the doctor dismissed as he turned his attention to Taehyun, “It’s best to get him safe, the things we have here wouldn’t suffice, I still don’t know what drug he ingested.”

 _No,_ Taehyun wanted to argue, but he was too groggy to do so, _no something bad is happening in the Strays base! Listen to you driver damnit-- Beomgyu._

“Beomgyu,” he muttered through his oxygen mask before he succumbed to the thrumming migraine he’d been fighting to ignore.

. . . 

It was halfway through riding back to the Strays when Soobin realized Beomgyu had taken his gun-- he was basically walking in defenseless. Was it a smart move to go back? Definitely not, but it was too late for Soobin to back out.

As he got closer to the Stray’s base, the entrance was still exuding the warm light, tinted by the black glass doors. 

Soobin started walking towards the place, leaving Fed a street away from the grey establishment. With heavy but cautious steps, he hid himself behind one of the doors, slowly peering inside through the door which was left ajar.

There were Strays who were left unconscious on the floor, some were bleeding from their heads, some were twitching, showing a bit of life left-- but most of them were still and unmoving. It was silent inside aside from two male voices. Seonghwa and Hongjoong.

 _“Stay here, I’m going in,”_ Hongjoong muttered, just loud enough for Soobin, who had his ear practically pressed against the door, to hear. Hongjoong’s footsteps were cautious.

Soobin pushed the door open by an inch, in creaked. He heard the cocking of a gun, and the sudden scramble of feet. Seonghwa was pointing his gun at him.

“Hyung, it’s me,” Soobin said in an equally hushed voice, making the elder let out a breath. 

“Sorry,” he muttered as Soobin stepped in and closed the glass doors. The lobby was absolutely a macabre sight. Shattered pieces of glass, blinking lights, red stains of blood on the otherwise clean tiles. Soobin didn’t feel queasy, he was used to seeing people injured beyond gunshots-- it was part of their medical training, especially since Soobin was a surgeon. He should be used to grisly sights and death. But when his eyes trailed to the body next to Seonghwa’s feet, he turned away almost immediately. He couldn’t stomach the sight.

Death was always different when it was someone one knew, different when it was family.

Different when it was Kai, Yeonjun… and now, Jungkook. 

. . .

_“All right,” Jungkook had said, “Again, do not shoot anyone, worst case scenario just shoot their limbs.” The elder loaded his gun while they spoke in hushed whispers, getting ready to invade the Strays. They’d snuck a peek at the basement window-- and lo and behold, there they were._

_Beomgyu and Taehyun, at gunpoint with Chris. Neither of them could make out whether or not Chris had already hurt one of them, and as the seconds tick by, the possibility of Chris doing worse than pointing the gun at them could ensue._

_“This,” Jungkook pointed to the base of his pistol, “It can knock a person out with the right force. To the head-- you’re a doctor you already know that,” the puma said._

_“Yes… uhh,” Soobin called, “Why are we using the main entrance?”_

_“Multiple reasons,” the puma said as he began enumerating, “You can’t enter through the basement window, knowing you-- you’d probably fuck it up and Chris would shoot you first, second, you need to attack him from behind--”_

_“Wait,” Soobin blinked, “Me?”_

_“Yes you,” Jungkook answered, “It’s the lesser danger.”_

_He and Soobin cautiously lined behind the glass entrance, “I’m gonna go in there. Once I do, do not hesitate to run towards the basement-- you’ll find it. At the far end of the lobby.”_

_“Okay--”_

_“I’m counting on you, Soobin. Whatever you hear, don't let it stop you, whatever you see, or feel. Focus, Soobin. Think of nothing else but getting out safely, okay?” Jungkook’s voice softened._

_“Okay, hyung.”_

_The elder puma gave him a final smile, “Okay.”_

. . .

“He knew, didn’t he?” Seonghwa asked, sadness evident in his eyes, lower lip trembling. He’s been with Jungkook for a long time, he’d also seen how the puma would karaoke all night, get drunk and have drunken hallucinations of Taehyung. Seonghwa had also been to Taehyung’s funeral as per Jungkook’s request since he couldn’t go by himself.

“Knew what...” Soobin still couldn’t look, a heavy feeling in his chest. Everything that’s happened tonight… everything that _is_ happening… was a lot to take in.

“He always wanted to do that… to storm into the Strays’ base guns-ablazing. He’d been joking about it for years… now he’s finally checked it off his bucket list. I just hope he’s with Taehyung now, wherever they are.”

He’s rested at the exact same place Taehyung had.

Before Soobin could shed a tear, Hongjoong’s voice boomed from the basement, reminding Soobin of the reason why he went back in the first place.

“Hwa! Hyung get down here!” Hongjoong’s voice was loud, but Soobin couldn’t decipher the emotion behind it. “Fuck’s-- Hwa!”

“I think-- He’s breathing! Get down here christ--”

Soobin jumped to his feet, beating Seonghwa as he raced past his hyung and the corridors, making his way down the steep stairs and into the basement. 

There was a pool of blood around Beomgyu, but it wasn’t only his. Chris was on his back, much, much more blood gushing from his stomach-- Beomgyu’s eyes were closed. Soobin rushed to him.

He started to cry, upper lip trembling into a smile-- it wasn’t one of Soobin’s proudest moments though, he looked like a madman rejoicing in the middle of tragedy. Soobin glanced at Hongjoong, who was surprised at Soobin’s sudden appearance, but also waiting for assurance from the doctor.

Soobin didn’t want to get his hopes up, but they were already through the roof. He hadn’t expected this, but maybe Beomgyu was still meant to live, it wasn’t his time yet.

His pulse was weak, but being the doctor he was, he easily felt it, on Beomgyu’s wrist… slowly thrumming against his fingertips. 

“ _He’s still alive._ ”

_. . ._

The license to kill also comes with the capability to save. Sacrifices had to be made, be it by the click of a gun or hospital equipment. It was an instrument of fate, and so were Soobin and Beomgyu.

They were in the earliest hours of the day, or in other words-- the latest hours of the night. There were no other surgeons available at this time. Except for Soobin. He knew this, but he made no move to turn and seek a different medical institution. 

The entire time, Soobin kept tabs on Beomgyu, insisting that he take Beomgyu on Fed so that he could gauge the younger’s stability. The puma breathed shallowly through his mouth, a ghost of a breath. If not for Soobin’s hyperactive senses as of the moment, he’d have missed it.

The other two motorbikes were trailing right behind him, watchful eyes alert just in case. 

“Beomgyu, stay with us,” Soobin said, hoping that his words wouldn’t just dissipate into the air, hoping that Beomgyu had even a sliver of consciousness left-- hoping he could hear him. 

“Taehyun needs you, he’s going to be fine,” _He’s fine right? He’s in good hands, he should be._ “You’re going to be fine,” Soobin knew he was blabbering, but he had to continue speaking, anything that could stimulate Beomgyu’s senses.

The dark blanket of night was replaced by fluorescent lights in a flash; Soobin was already outside the operating room once more, sliding his fingers into his gloves, wearing his disinfected mask right after. The prep room felt smaller than usual, squeezing Soobin in on his already anxious self. He peered at the window in front of him where the nurses were trying to revive Beomgyu and keep his heart beating, already working on blood transfusions until Soobin would eventually come in and safely take the bullet out of Beomgyu’s leg.

Soobin hadn’t noticed how hard he was gripping the sink in front of him in anticipation, until one of the nurses called out for him. “Dr. Choi? Are you ready to operate?”

 _Was he?_ No he wasn’t, but when was he ever ready? The last time he thought he was ready, he lost a brother. He wasn’t ready to lose another one-- nor was he ready to think about the possibility of losing just that. 

Was he ready to hold and use the same apparatus that he hadn’t touched in _five months?_ The same ones that held the weight of all Soobin’s guilt, anger, and grief?

Would he let his own thoughts inhibit and hinder 

He didn’t know why he was so worried. It was an easy operation if everything went smoothly and if Beomgyu remained stable. He just had to extract the bullet. 

Maybe it was because of Kai, who passed because of _blood loss._ Or maybe Yeonjun, who told him to _keep saving lives._ But what if he simply _can’t_ ? Or Taehyun, who he still hadn’t heard of-- _what if the drug consumed Taehyun entirely?_

“Dr. Choi?”

“Yes,” Soobin shook his head and blinked his eyes, willing his own breaths to calm down against his mask. “Okay, I’m ready.” 

_Keep saving lives, even when you couldn’t save mine._

Soobin entered the operating room.

_. . ._

_“He might wake up soon, I think it’s best if he sees someone familiar,”_ A voice on the other phoneline said. Soobin had recently come out of the operating room after _hours._ Honestly, all he wanted to do was drown himself in Yeonjun’s sheets and sleep. But he also had to be there for Taehyun, after all, Soobin was the least affected of the three of them.

“How is he?” Soobin had asked Taehyun’s doctor, more than relieved that Taehyun was okay.

“Still a bit out of it, but he’ll manage. He’s just dealing with shock, I’m sure you know how patients react to near-death experiences.” The doctor replied, giving him a nod. “We almost had to tranquilize him for a second there, good thing he got tired first. He was saying the name _Beomgyu_ as soon as he woke up. He was near hysterical, but I couldn't provide him any answers.”

Soobin knocked on Taehyun’s door before he stepped in. The younger was staring straight at the blank wall across from him.

Taehyun turned towards the door the moment he heard it creak open, a glint of hope in his eyes, only for it to turn blank upon seeing it was just Soobin. Taehyun turned in his bed, back facing the elder. He didn’t wanna talk.

Soobin sat at the edge of the single-sized bed, “Taehyun?”

“You left me. Where did you go?” Taehyun’s voice was void of emotion.

“Last night… I went back to the base.”

Taehyun slowly looked at Soobin over his back, listening.

“You… that’s why you left?”

“Yes. I… when I went back, I wasn’t alone. Seonghwa and Hongjoong hyungs were there. But he--”

“ _Hyung,_ ” Taehyun’s voice was stern, scared, fist clammed down onto his pillow.

“--didn’t make it. Kook-hyung…”

Taehyun sat up, “Soobin-hyung. Stop,” the elder said, already knowing what kind of self-blame was going through his hyung’s head. “You… can’t save everyone.”

 _You’re just like Soobin-hyung, then. Better stop calling him out for something you’re guilty of doing too._ Beomgyu’s words echoed in his head before he could gently reprimand Soobin for thinking that he’s at fault for the things he couldn’t control.

“If it wasn’t for Kook-hyung, I never would’ve gotten you out of there.”

“But you did, hyung. Thank you,” Taehyun said, offering the elder a sad, close-lipped smile. 

“Don’t thank me just yet,” Soobin said, and Taehyun’s smile tightened and turned into a frown. 

Soobin continued, “We found him in the basement, right where we left him. His state was… he was on the verge. When we got to the hospital, I had to work on him. That’s why I came here late.”

“I don’t know how I did it… I don’t know how Beomgyu held on.”

Soobin smiled, corners of his eyes creasing, “But I guess we have you to thank for that.” Soobin could only laugh at his own repetition, it was a sad parallel but it seemed fitting.

“Y...you mean--” Taehyun stuttered, “You mean Beomgyu hyung is--”

“Sleeping soundly as of the moment, but the anesthetic meds would wear out soon. He’s alive, Taehyun.”

Taehyun shot up towards Soobin, taking the elder in surprise as he was engulfed in a hug. Soobin hugged back as the younger began to sob in between his own excitement and happiness. _“He’s alive, he’s alive, oh my God hyung-- he’s okay!”_

When Taehyun pulled away, Soobin admired how the warm sun greeted and caressed Taehyun’s face, coloring his wide smile a light shade of yellow. Soobin nodded to himself, he succeeded. 

He averted his gaze toward the window, where the rest of Seoul was. It seemed like even the sun, clouds, and blue skies were congratulating him, celebrating with them. For once, the sun didn’t seem blinding.

“This is a miracle-- hyung,” Taehyun raised his arm and made a gesture for Soobin to remove his dextrose. Soobin chuckled at the younger’s giddiness.

“That is the worst idea ever,” Soobin deadpanned. If he were to remove the it, Taehyun would have to ride on Fed with him in his hospital gown. If anything goes wrong with Taehyun, they couldn’t sue the hospital-- they’re escaping against medical advice.

For god’s sake they knew that, they are doctors too.

_Young, wild, and free. Take your chance, Soobin-ah._

But they were also Pumas, and although Taehyun would insistently deny that he’s not part of the gang, he already is. The instant he met Beomgyu, he’s been a Puma at heart.

Soobin doesn’t think twice.

“Let’s get you home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> go on dont be shy read the next one <33


	3. more ways than one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> extra chap for taegyuists i've hurt :>>

Peaches. Beomgyu inhaled, eyes still closed. He couldn’t open them for some reason. 

_ Peaches?  _ Where had he smelled that before? In a hospital? On his motorbike? In his bed?

All of the above.

A kiss on his knuckles, his neck, his cheeks, his head, his forehead. 

And then, lips on his own. A hand on his jaw, preventing him from moving away. Beomgyu can’t breathe. The lips were still there. He can’t breathe-- his limbs reflexively push someone away, eyes opening at the suddenness of someone attempting to suffocate him. 

He heard a small  _ oof  _ along with a laugh.

In front of him was the love of his life. Beomgyu’s features softened at seeing Taehyun-- the guy was straddling him, but he wasn’t one to complain.

“Ah, it’s just you,” he said, voice hoarse and rough.

“ _ Just me? _ ” Taehyun acted like he took offense.

“Just...” Beomgyu trailer, realization dawned on him, “Holy shit it’s you--” Beomgyu pulled Taehyun down and held him close, “Am I dreaming?”

“You’re in heaven. Turns out you’re actually an angel, hyung,” Taehyun joked only to earn a light smack on the arm from Beomgyu. 

“Bad joke, Taehyun-ah.”

“Hm? What ‘ya gonna do about it?”

Beomgyu shuffled and laid Taehyun next to him, like he would a pillow. “Make you my bolster, of course. Bolsters don’t talk. They only hug and kiss.”

“Pillows… don’t kiss. But sure,” Taehyun said, pecking his lover on the lips.

. . .

“So  _ that’s  _ how you got your scar,” Taehyun said, nodding his head. He really didn’t care. He just wanted Beomgyu to get well so that they’d get to go home. Speaking of.

“Yeah. Do you still… wanna live with me after knowing that?”

“You’re letting me live with you? For real?”

“Did you seriously just ignore everything that’s happened in the past twenty-four hours--”

“Yes I did! I’m just… seriously happy and thankful that you’re here.”

“Me too. And I’m never letting you out of my sight ever again. I’ll always take care of you, okay?”

“Only if you tone down on the alcohol.”

“Deal. It’s better to make-out when sober anyway--”

“ _ I will kick your wounded leg-- _ ” Taehyun threatened, and now, Beomgyu wasn’t scared anymore.

Opening up to Taehyun, it didn’t scare him as much. After what they’ve been through? Nothing could beat that.

What had transpired the other night-- that would forever be ingrained in their minds-- a constant nightmare they wouldn’t want to remember, a face Taehyun never wanted to see.

That night would always be the night Beomgyu let himself shatter. 

But today, and every single minute he would spend with Taehyun in the future-- there would be no more fear of shattering, of falling without being caught or pieced back together. 

“We’re safe now,” Taehyun sighed, and Beomgyu nuzzled his nose into Taehyun’s peachy hair.

“I know. I promise you, we always will be. As long as we have each other.”

Beomgyu had always made promises just to break them, but this time, he would keep and fulfill them. 

His life was the most inconsistent thing in existence-- he’s convinced himself he’s a part of fate’s playground. But he’s had his fun, thanks to fate making an absolute circus of his life-- he’s met Taehyun.

And the both of them were keen on saving each other in more ways than one.


	4. Keep riding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> closure.

Soobin stared at the gravestone.

CHOI YEONJUN

_ A lover, a brother, and a handsome Puma. _

Soobin’s hands gently carded through the soft fur of his new bronze puppy as he leaned the bouquet of white flowers against the stone.

It was the first time he’d visited Yeonjun’s grave. Where was he supposed to start? 

He bit his lip,  _ no Soobin, don’t cry.  _ But he did. The puppy in his lap whined, sympathetic doe eyes looking up at him. 

“Hey hyung,” he started, he figured he should start with a greeting. He intentionally went to the cemetery at night, that way, no one could hear him talk. 

After all, Yeonjun loved the moon so much. They were more akin to the moon, night people, night owls. 

“You were right. About so many things,” he said, the black tattoo of Yeonjun’s name in his wrist itching to be touched. 

“I’m selling the house… you know why. Please tell Kai I’m keeping his plushies, though. But aside from that… I’m… leaving hyung. And I don’t know when I’m coming back. Maybe I’m going to leave Sean here to the Pumas for a while until I could get someone to get Sean into a flight to the US.”

“I’m living there for a while, hyung. I’ve been offered a job in a nice place. The best doctors work there… I just know how inferior I’m going to feel. Good thing Beomgyu and Taehyun have been convincing me non-stop to suck it up and take the offer because it wasn’t like I was incompetent.”

“You were also right about… how none of this is my fault. It isn’t the end all be all and… dying is just another part of life.”

“Hyung… I don’t think I’ve ever thanked you for being a part of my life. For being one of the best chapters. You’ve taught me a lot of things. Taught me how to be alone… how to be reckless… taught me how to fight. Even when it means I need to fight my internal turmoil.” He chuckled.

“I miss you, hyung. I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing you,” he said. “I don’t think I even ever could. You’d… just have to forgive me for that. But who knows, right? Maybe fate would break its routine… maybe I’d meet someone out there,” he exhaled. “But they could never replace you.”

The first tear rolled down his cheek. 

Soobin was wearing his Puma jacket, the closest he could get to a hug with Yeonjun. 

“I almost checked out everything you told me to do. I got a dog… gave you white flowers. Sorry it took me months, hyung...”

“And I found a family in the Pumas. They mean more to me than anyone… they’re basically all I have left, and I’m more than grateful for that.”

“You will always be alive for me, hyung. I’ll never let the memory of you die. I can’t let you go twice,” he said, already clutching the Fed’s keys.

“There’s one more thing I haven’t done yet though… and that’s to take Fed on a long and fast ride.” Soobin stood, carrying his dog along with him. He placed a kiss on his own fingers, and lowered them onto the top of Yeonjun’s gravestone.

“Goodbye for now, hyung.”

Soobin gave a last smile towards Yeonjun, and he felt a gush of wind graze his face. If he listened carefully, he could almost hear a soft whisper of Yeonjun’s ghost proclaiming his love and reciprocating his goodbye.

But Soobin was already on Fed, he placed Sean in front of him. The dog leapt, keeping his front legs onto the handlebars.

“Ready boy?” Soobin asked, his dog barked in agreement.

The engine revved, and Soobin rode fast, giving the stoplights and stopsigns no mind. The lights from the other vehicles passed by his eyes like a blur, he almost felt like he was with Yeonjun again, as if he were standing right behind him and aiming a gun at the Strays like he did on the night of Soobin’s initiation.

Someday, he would see Yeonjun again. But he shouldn’t wish for it, shouldn’t think of when he would eventually pass-- he had to think of today. Of those who are still alive-- he had to think of himself.

He had to stay alive to feel alive.

The cemetery’s gates were far, far behind him now, and he was approaching a steep tunnel. Once he passed that, he’d be faster than the speed of light, and he didn’t mind. He loved it.

He loved how he was speeding through the streets so fast. So fast, that all the baggage he used to carry seemed to be stripped away from him by the wind.

He felt light. All the grief and grudges he had held onto, brought to him by being an instrument of fate-- reduced into nothing more than a memory, a scar. 

A sutured scar. The binding, curing thread on the incisions he had made on himself. It was finally healing.

Soobin is finally healing.

END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god i finally finished it i am in tears. special thanks to @adorakai and @flavinesolstice who beta-read this fic for me. you guys deserve the credit too,, and thanks for not spoiling anyone <33
> 
> it's been a ride, thank you for reading the story :>> it means a lot to me.  
> this particular story will always have a place in my heart,, it's,, i just,, love it sm :<< i hope u loved it too.
> 
> interact w me:  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/calyxir)  
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/Calyxir)
> 
> please do tell me what u think shshsh, feedback and reactions mean a lot to me :<< <3

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry. i cried, thats why it took me so long to finish this. 
> 
> anyway kudos and comments are highly loved uwu :>> STREAM THE MV MOAS!! LOVEYALL
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/calyxir)  
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/calyxir)


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